review: Cheerleaders vs. Cavemen: Crog’s Claim

Title: Cheerleaders vs. Cavemen: Crog’s Claim

Author: Fannie Tucker

cheerleaders vs cavemen 1

Whatwhat: They think they’re on the way to a cheerleading competition, but the Branson University Honeybees find themselves on a frozen tundra in the middle of nowhere thanks to a mad scientist who has revived some cavemen and wants to let them breed.

Money Quotes:

Her father had always scoffed at cheerleading, going so far as to call it a “frivolous waste of time for girls looking to get a baby before they get a diploma.” (loc 66)

There’s a complex dialectic involving definitions of feminism roles for women in this story, if you squint. If you don’t squint there’s mostly just caveman dick.

The voice coming out of the speakers lacked the warm, confident tones of an airline captain. It sounded cold and reptilian, (loc 100)

An important reminder that United’s service could technically get worse.

Someone had given her money for college to wear a short skirt and perform cartwheels in a stadium. Now someone wanted her to be a plaything for a band of primordial savages. When you got right down to it, what was the difference? (loc 379)

And here we have the part where the feminist dialectic meets the caveman dick.

Loosening her grip, she drew her hand forward and wrapped her fingers around the immensity of his manly shaft. (loc 568)

Verdict: In terms of shortform kindleporn, Fannie Tucker’s works are the equivalent of long, well-plotted novels. They have beginnings, middles, and endings; they have well-constructed set-ups; there’s a satisfying resolution. It’s honestly kind of amazing.

If you’ve reached the point where one more typo’d, grammatically-freaky story will make you cry, you need to read this (or some other Fannie Tucker story). They’re a little on the vanilla side (compared to some of the stuff we review here, anyway), but they’re deeply satisfying.

review: The Tentacle Monster and the Schoolgirl

Title: The Tentacle Monster and the Schoolgirl

Author: Ivanna B. Kinkee

tentacle monster schoolgirl

WhatWhat: Rich girl Kelly Ashby gets sent by her father to Wolsney College, a private women’s college, and on her first night there she discovers just why all the girls fall in line with the school’s strict rules: only the obedient, studious ones get let in their rooms for fun with tentacles. That’s right: there’s a tentacled Thing that gains access to their spartan rooms and provides addictively pleasurable sex.

Money Quotes:

“I was hoping I could – I mean, I’d really like to have some more time with, uh, in my room, sir?” (loc 188)

Run, Kelly. Any school where the students nervously beg the headmaster for extra time in their rooms has something weird going on.

Thick, too much for her mouth, and it seemed to swell once it was inside as it forced her head back to the bed. The first burst of sweetness against her tongue made her jerk, resist the impossible power of what held her lithe body under its control, but then there was another taste of it and she swallowed. (loc 469)

Verdict: When I think of how hard I worked just to stay on the Dean’s List, I can’t help but be impressed by the probable motivational powers of tentacles.

In all seriousness, this was beautifully set up and developed. I am impressed with how steadily it built to its inevitable climax, and by the well-developed world of this story. Awesome, and worth reading even if you think you aren’t all that into tentacles.

Calling her a schoolgirl is pushing things, though; she’s obviously of-age, WHICH IS GOOD. So don’t go into this expecting high school girls. It’s more “the co-ed and the tentacle” territory than “Sailor Moon meets a friendly squid.”

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review: Trapped as his Best Friend’s Wife

Title: Trapped as his Best Friend’s Wife

Author: Lisa Change

best friends wife

WhatWhat: Karl is having an affair with his best friend Ben’s wife, Becca. When Ben finds out, he makes an incoherent series of wishes to a genie (there’s a genie; just go with it): he wants Becca gone, he wants Ben to get what he deserves, and he wants his wife back and in love with him. The genie reconciles all that by magicing Becca away to an adoring, submissive version of Becca.ahappy life elsewhere, and then turning Ben into an adoring, helplessly obedient version of Becca.

Money Quotes:

Now he was the smokin’ hot wife. (loc 277)

And his new body was very interested in his new husband. Ever since Karl had first appeared in this expensive cruise ship cabin and seen Ben sitting nearly naked, he’d been aware of a warmth in his crotch. (loc 416)

“But I think I’ve got a better idea… You’re still a man inside, huh? A straight man, too. Then I guess I know how to punish you.” (loc 448)

Verdict: This felt icky for a while (what with the hate sex), but as Ben starts understanding what went wrong with his marriage (and that it wasn’t all Becca’s fault) and Karl starts to admit to himself that he’s happier as a woman, it became kind of…sweet. The author’s gentle attention to making sure the real Becca ALSO got a happy ending, and the unexpected little time-travel fix at the end, won me over completely. Awwwww.

review: HALF-MAN HALF-HORSE, ALL LOVE

As you know, this is the second year running that LRG has reviewed a small (very small), carefully curated selection of Hugo nominees. Okay, one. One each year.

Look, if the Hugo people would take my advice and start a “Short Form Erotica” category for works of space boning and unicorn humping, I would gladly review ALL nominees to that category.

Anyway. I have regretfully concluded that there’s been a mistake. Stix Hiscock should definitely be on the list of nominees, but not for Alien Stripper Boned From Behind by the T-Rex. As important (seminal, even) as that work is, it pales in comparison to this one.

Title: HALF-MAN HALF-HORSE, ALL LOVE

Author: Stix Hiscock

half-man half-horse

WhatWhat: As the narrator is at pains to explain, it’s not easy being a fairy pixie mushroom farmer and unicorn rancher. Her over-protective father won’t let her leave the farm, and her life lacks meaning and boning, until the day they acquire a centaur to help defend the unicorns from the vampire tentacle monster.

Money Quotes:

Sometimes I would go out at night when I couldn’t sleep, and feed them bags upon bags full of pure sugar….I would kiss them on their muzzles, and admire their sleek white forms, the flanks strangely erotic to me as they throbbed with muscle and power, making me think even more about having the arms of a man around me, someone who could love me right, and fill the wet, gaping void I had in my life. Then, once they’d finished up their bags of sugar, I would tenderly hook them up, one by one, to their dialysis machines, which were absolutely essential to their survival due to being fed diets of nothing but sugar day in and day out. (loc 620)

If that is not the most hilariously tragic scene ever written I’d like to know what is.

Then one of the unicorns is killed by a tentacle vampire! And Pa has this to say:

“Been an epidemic of ’em around the country, I’ve heard…And guess what? Barack Hussein Obama isn’t doing a damn thing to try and stop it.” (loc 670)

That’s why you got Trump.

Best line in all of literature:

Pa scowled, not paying attention, and waved a dismissive hand at the unicorpse. (loc 677)

They acquire a centaur at an auction, which I guess is how that works, and soon the narrator and the centaur are involved:

…and our wet, aroused genitals echoing loudly together, KLAP, KLAP, KLAP, KLAP, KLAP! (loc 910)

But eventually Pa finds out and drives the centaur away. So of course the vampire tentacle monster attacks! There’s only one thing to do:

“Mmhmm…You leave my unicorns alone, and I’ll let you do whatever you want to me…What. Ever. You. Want. (loc 1025)

Lincoln (the centaur) arrives in the middle of this, hoping to save his pixie love, and after some initial confusion and disgust they reach an agreement.

But at last, after several minutes of talking, this was actually happening- a fairy pixie, centaur, tentacle vampire threesome…(loc 1063)

Verdict: Finally someone has provided an answer to the age-old question of How Do You Keep Them Down On The Farm After They’ve Seen Paris: you supply them with a centaur and a vampire tentacle monster. OBVIOUSLY.

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review: Demon Futa joins the Sorority

Title: Demon Futa joins the Soroity (Demon Futa Series Book 2)

Author: Jocelyn Saragona

demon futa sorority

Whatwhat: Thanks to an “antique book,” Sharis (a name I’m not sure how to pronounce) is a winged demon succubus with a clit that expands into a penis. After making out with a sorority girl named Addison, Sharis pledges Iota Theta Epsilon and discovers a world of sisterhood and prostitution.

Money Quotes:

I exhaled a dreamy breath and felt my pheromones float out with it. I gave Jordan a look in the eyes, and saw his pupils dilate and lock on me. (loc 30)

Goodness. Imagine what would happen if she gave him a look in the some other body part.

Brittney bit her lip, adverted her eyes from Jayden, and disrobed herself in a dissociative way. (loc 145)

Dissociation: not particularly erotic. I’m kind of worried for Britney now. Also, that should be “averted.” You avert from; you advert to.

Once I was standing there with the cold tile at my feet and the air brushing my flushed skin, I was completely debased. (loc 152)

If you say so. All that’s happened so far is the pledges have gotten undressed. I don’t know, maybe I have a weird tolerance for nudity, but that seems less than total debasement. Especially for a succubus.

My cock wasn’t coming out. As long as I could feel dirty no one would know my secret. (loc 160)

I know guys a whole lot kinkier than this succubus, then, because sexual humiliation is not a surefire way to keep them from getting an erection. At all.

I diverted my eyes…(loc 171)

Ow.

Look, I know “divert” means “turn away,” but you use it of rivers, not so much eyes. English has nuance.

Verdict: The actual make-out scenes involving sorority pledges are hot, and so are the bits when Sharis gets to use her demon cock.

There’s something vaguely clunky about the language that makes me wonder if it was translated from the original Enochian, though.

review: Alien Stripper Boned From Behind by the T-Rex

It’s been a long, dry time between updates, but I couldn’t let the 2017 Hugo Award Finalists go by without notice. Because we follow, and apparently review, Hugo nominations on this blog now. We are just et up with class, I tell you what.

Title: Alien Stripper Boned From Behind by the T-Rex

Author: Stix Hiscock

alien stripper

WhatWhat: A three-breasted alien from Fylashio who crash-landed on Earth, Kelly Kiwaxyahilajhonnosoupolus is working as a laser blasting nipple stripper to make ends meet, when she hooks up with one of the bar’s patrons: Tyrone, a humanoid T-rex.

Money Quotes:

I tried not to think too hard about how it was I got to where I found myself. Even when I tried to, I found it frequently boggled the mind. (loc 16)

You and me both, alien stripper. You and me both.

Our hero enjoyed the show:

“By the time you were finished with that last little stunt of yours, I was sitting here looking like I had a fossilized brachiosaurus neck in my pants. (loc 240)

Then there’s this:

…his tongue twisted warm and wet around my head like a rolled up piece of bologna. He lifted his neck up, and I felt my body leave the ground as he brought me up into the air. The[n] he began to shake me around in his mouth, twitching from side to side in a furious, passionate manner, making me  dizzy with his love as he ravished my willing body. (loc 297)

That actually does sound like something a T-Rex would do, yes. Quite why the heroine finds it erotic escapes me, but then, she is an alien.

A cheating, cheating alien:

Charlie was a tentacle monster, and pretty much just looked like a living bowl of spaghetti with a penis hidden somewhere near the center. (loc 399)

But she’s been stranded on Earth for years now, and Tyrone’s girlfriend was killed by a meteor, so they decide to move on together.

Verdict: I feel like when I was a child, the Hugos were different somehow.

Anyway. This certainly is something, all right.  I would hang that cover on my wall, if it came in poster form. And the description of a brachiosaurus as “so good at deep-throating” is a thing of beauty.

You know what’s fun? If you read this story and then go look at the complete list of Hugo finalists for this year, THEY ALL SOUND LIKE EROTICA NOW.

…I mean, I hope they do. Because if it’s just me reading them that way, this blog has broken me somehow.