review: Comfort in Your Arms

Never have I been more glad that the cover art did not reflect the specific plot of a book.

comfort-in-your-arms

Title: Comfort in Your Arms

Author: Salty Salmon

WhatWhat: Bernie and Obama comfort each other after the election.

Money Quotes:

Bernie nodded, swallowing thickly. “Hillary should have won.”

“No,” Barack replied, reaching out and wiping a single tear from Bernie’s cheek. “You should have won.” (loc 5)

Okay, I just laughed out loud. Nice deployment of romantic cliches in a hilariously-inappropriate setting, author. Well done.

“Where are you taking me?” Bernie asked. A laugh escaped Barack, like a gorilla escaping at the zoo. (loc 8)

Cannot tell if Harambe reference or unreconstructed racism.

Fairy lights twinkled around the edges of the room, giving the whole area an iridescent glow much akin to the fairy-lit glow of a shitty YouTuber’s bedroom,… (loc 15)

Laughing again. I’m inclined to call “Harambe shout-out” on that last quote now, just because of this one.

“I’m fifty shades of socialist, Bernie.” (loc 19)

“Do you have any tingly lube?” a saucy smile overtook Bernie’s kind, wrinkled face as he spoke. “I love a little extra — That’s why I agree with having a strong benefits system.” (loc 29)

I think that uncapitalized “a” is the only SPAG error I saw in this whole thing. No, I tell a lie: there’s one tense shift when Bernie is opening his mouth later on. But mostly this is well-edited.

It didn’t take long for Bernie’s red, swollen junk to spill its seed all over Barack’s hand, his eyes rolling back into his head as he came. (loc 60)

Verdict: Credit where it’s due: I’m now completely over the trauma of the Paul Ryan erotica, and dealing with this fresh new trauma. So that’s something, I guess.

It was entertaining, though. I may be rocking back and forth in a fetal position, but I’m laughing quietly as I do so.

review: Adam Gets Adopted

I’m not sure what it says about the world (or my life) that I’m now significantly less wary of wading into the ABDL stacks than the politi-porn.

adam-gets-adopted

Title: Adam Gets Adopted

Author: Kimberley Clarke

WhatWhat: Suddenly orphaned at the age seventeen, now eighteen-year-old Adam answers an ad to be “adopted” by a loving couple. Does this sound familiar? Kind of.

Money Quotes:

Here’s something sad about me: my parents died in a car accident when I was seventeen. There. I’ve said it. It’s best to get these things out of the way first. (loc32)

As I cried, I lost control of my bladder totally, giving in to my powerful emotions. Piss flooded my diaper, unleashed freely from me. I curled up in a ball on the ground and carried on peeing. Amazingly, my butt did not stay damp for long. The diapers were so good that I could feel the moisture being drawn away from me. (loc 185)

I bet somewhere out there there’s an adult-diaper review blog.

This story contains ageplay/ABDL themes, a grown woman getting cleaned, milk-drinking, and graphic scenes of a sexual Adamure. (loc 240)

You may be wondering, “What is a sexual Adamure?”

An Adamure, dear reader, is what happens when you find-and-replace the name “Nat” with “Adam” throughout your manuscript. In the original blurb, those were graphic scenes of a sexual nature.

Verdict: Aside from the faint hilarity caused by find-and-replace, this was well-written and smooth. If you like your adult babies male, I assume you’ll enjoy this.

review: Paul Ryan: Spanker of the House

I read this title (literally just the title) out loud to someone and they said, “That doesn’t sound too bad.” I think I’ve corrupted my social circle by exposing them to second-hand erotica. Because how? HOW does that not sound too bad?

paul-ryan

Title: Paul Ryan: Spanker of the House

Author: V. L. Vance

WhatWhat: Okay, so: Paul Ryan has just replaced John Boehner as Speaker of the House, and Boehner has to deliver the customary blow job (I’m assuming this doesn’t actually happen in American politics; correct me if I’m wrong). But Ryan takes it a step farther and administers a spanking and a humiliating display, then later picks up some governor’s nephew for sex.

Money Quotes:

The buttons of his shirt were open, peeled open by the nimble fingers of John Boehner. John sat between Paul’s muscular legs, his fingers sliding up his thighs. Paul’s pants were around his ankles, but his large cock, clearly visible as it snaked its way across his thigh,…(loc 19)

You know, you could back away now and save yourself, reader. It’s too late for me, but you could walk away now before any further images of Paul Ryan’s member are seared across your memory.

“Not as sad as I am to see it pass to someone who’s never had a job in the private sector,” John said sadly, his fingers slipping beneath Paul’s briefs and gently brushing the side of his throbbing meat. (loc 23)

I laughed out loud at that, but it was partly hysteria. The pillow talk in this is truly amazing, though.

Paul was such an alpha that even the men of the House were thrilled into sexual servitude by his raw masculinity. (loc 47)

Paul. Ryan. Okay, I just….let’s just keep going.

“Come on,” Paul said. “You’re a grown man. You back down to liberals like you’re a little girl, but the least you could do is show me some dignity and take a spanking like a man. (loc 67)

….

“You ready to get bred?” Paul asked, raising his eyebrows again. “You ready to take the seed of a Republican hero?”

“Give it to me!” Max cried, pulling Paul in closer to him. “Please, sir, give me your patriotic seed!” (loc 393)

It would be utterly hilarious to scream “Give me your patriotic seed!” during sex, but I seriously think my husband would have me committed immediately afterwards.

Someone else try it and report back what happens.

Verdict: This was hilarious (and grammatically sound), but I’m headed straight for the liquor cabinet now, and I’m staying there.

 

review: Harambe Clinton vs Donald Trump

Good evening, world. Ready for some political commentary in the form of gorilla erotica? No? Me either, yet here we are.

harambe-2

Title: Dicks Out for Harambe 2: Harambe Clinton vs Donald Trump

Author: Richard Stroker

WhatWhat: When last we saw Harambe he was dead of a gunshot wound, which you’d think would prevent sequels, but no. Turns out Harambe faked his death, and now he’s back, and just in time to stand in for Hillary Clinton and win the election. You can read that last sentence as many times as you want and it’s still not going to help.

Money Quotes:

Harambe the gorilla readjusted his sun hat while sitting at the bar of the beach side hotel he was staying at. He sipped his banana flavored daiquiri thoughtfully. Had it really been four months already? Four months ago, on May 28th 2016, Harambe the gorilla had faked his own death. (loc 173)

We all kind of wish that was true.

Three hours later Harambe had received a complete make over. Harambe’s lucious dark hair had been bleached to look like Hillary’s blonde locks. He had also received a full set of Hillary-esque suits and a quick rundown of her most used catch phrases and mannerisms. (loc 202)

I can see how some readers could find this funny, but I’m not sure how it’s going to lead to erotic situations.

“Wow Hillary! A few days ago you looked like death. Today… Well today you look like a completely different woman!” Bill’s hand slid down Harambe’s waist and rested teasingly on his ample buttocks. Harambe blinked in surprise. (loc 214)

Oh God no.

Bill moved closer and took one of Harambe’s large hands in his own. “Wow Hillary, I never noticed how large and cigar-like your fingers are. You know how much cigars turn me on!” (loc 220)

And now I’m probably going to hell for laughing at that.

Later that night Harambe wept in bed. He knew Trump was a fascist beast but he couldn’t help but find the man the personification of sexualized perfection. (loc 266)

Verdict: You know you’re reading something special when the gorilla sex is the least horrifying aspect of the thing. Also, there’s nothing like having to explain what you’re laughing at when it’s this. It’s twisted, but it IS funny. I’ll leave you unspoiled as to what happens with Donald Trump and who wins the election.

 

review: Harambe the Gorilla: Dicks Out for Harambe

I think for this first week back online since the 2016 election, I’m going to try to clear a lot of the political erotica off my kindle. You would not believe the backlog of improbable stuff I downloaded and then didn’t get a chance to review.

To keep everyone from curling up in the fetal position I’ll try to intersperse that with some soothing abdl stories or something.

harambe-gorilla

Title: Harambe the Gorilla: Dicks Out for Harambe

Author: Richard Stroker

WhatWhat: A zookeeper has sex with, and falls in love with, Harambe the Gorilla, only to witness his tragic death.

Money Quotes:

“All new employees spend their first day working with Cincinnati’s brightest star, Harambe. Today you will be cleaning his enclosure and making sure he is as happy as can be.” Hugh chuckled slightly and began to leave. (loc 68)

Oh dear.

It was time for me to feed Harambe. The sexual tension within the enclosure was palpable. (loc 92)

I laughed way too hard at that.

I ran my tongue along the edge of Harambe’s giant banana, and he released a primal roar of satisfaction. After a long period of gorilla falacio…(loc 110)

Fellatio. It comes from the Latin fellare, meaning “to suck.”

Verdict: The sex scenes were mercifully brief and non-detailed. I mean, I wouldn’t loan it to your grandmother or anything, but you don’t get a lot of description of gorilla dick or anything. More a political parody-ish thing than actual erotica, this did succeed in making me laugh.

review: Taken Hard by Gay Tentacles

Title: Taken Hard by Gay Tentacles (Gay Genie Chronicles #21)

Author: Dick Rier

taken-gay-tentacles

WhatWhat: Kris is a warlock trying to defeat someone named Sean so he can return to Alex, the guy he loves.But Sean has, I don’t know, magic gems? And there’s a horny tentacle monster. Someone named Brad has something called a katar named Wetfang, does that help? Also the bad guy is the dean at their university, which adds a hilarious “frat movie” vibe to this whole thing.

Money Quotes:

Kris’s heart hammered in fear as his former Circle brother threw down a pink gem onto the stony floor of the cave. The gem shattered, flooding the room in brilliant, pink light. (loc 102)

OMG, its like an episode of Jem only with gay men. Or like an episode of Masters of the Universe with very few changes whatsoever.

Pain wracked through Kris, and he fell off of Sean. Kris forced through the pain to clutch at his leopard amulet. He chanted the counterspell, throwing off the pain. Something slimy and wet touched his leg. (loc 171)

I so badly want this to be a cartoon series for adults.

Andrew pulled up the SUV at the meeting spot. Alex climbed out, followed by his three husbands and Brad. The concubines crowded the door, peering out the door. (loc 191)

“The least he could be is on time,” complained Faraj, leaning on Heartflame, his yari. (loc 192)

I also want there to be a colouring book, which I will buy for myself and for everyone I know.

Verdict: Usually when erotica is part of a series, the stories are in fact only loosely connected by theme or kink, and you can read them out of order with no problem. That is not the case here, and I’m now wishing I’d downloaded #1 (whatever that was) and gone from there.

Honestly it was well enough written, and compelling enough, that I can’t rule out the possibility that I’ll download the whole thing and binge on them in their proper order. If it’s available in paperback form, I’m getting it. It’s baffling and delicious and I love it.

review: Natalie Goes to Nursery

Are you all sitting comfortably in your safe space? Good. Then we’ll begin.

natalie-goes-to-nursery

Title: Natalie Goes to Nursery

Author: River Belle

WhatWhat: When Natalie is seventeen, her parents die. At eighteen, she sells almost all her possessions and answers an ad to be an adult baby. Unlike the other abdl stories I’ve read (how is this my life??), this one features multiple “babies,” one other girl and two boys, who all crawl around the “nursery” together and also fuck each other. It’s like Muppet Babies if television was filmed in hell, basically.

Money Quotes:

As I cried, I lost control of my bladder totally, giving in to my powerful emotions. Piss flooding my diaper unleashed freely from me. I curled up into a ball on the ground and carried on peeing. Amazingly, my butt did not stay damp for long. The diapers were so good that I could feel the moisture being drawn away from me. (loc 162)

It’s weird how much this is reminding me of the aftermath of the American election.

‘Petey, why don’t you come and say hello to your sister,’ said Daddy. Petey giggled and moved toward me, lying down at my side. Daddy grabbed Petey’s monstrous dick, and carefully rubbed its tip into my engorged pussy. (loc 173)

Verdict: Once you get past the breathtaking soullessness of someone who’d lost both parents a year ago using “mommy” and “daddy” on total strangers she’s having sex with, this is well written and immersive.

That first quote up there about the quality of the diaper was chosen on purpose, because as well as the usual “comforting” elements found in these, there’s a significant dose of luxury porn to be had here. Everything is the best available, the house is a mansion, the hedgerows are immaculate, etc. Natalie isn’t just living out her fantasy; she’s doing it in complete comfort.