Title: Humping the Hambandit

Author: Leonard Delaney

humping the hambandit

WhatWhat: In a world where hamburgers have been made illegal, Emmy agrees to take part in a heist, and finds herself falling for one of the gang: the oddly attractive Hambandit. But crossing the McDonnell mob is dangerous business…

If you picture him like this it's a LITTLE less horrifying.
If you picture him like this it’s a LITTLE less horrifying.

Money Quotes:

“And that’s why I need your help,” said the Hambandit.

Captain Criminal, the famed sandwich pirate, stepped forward. “You have my sword.”

Two of the soft drinks from the Merry Meal Gang bowed. “And our straws,” they said in unison.

“And our potatoes, golden on the outside, soft and fluffy on the inside,” said a cardboard box full of french fries. (loc 81)

The big guy. Rumour was that he’d been in the burger-running game from the beginning, even before hamburgers became illegal. He was known by many names. The Man in the Big Red Shoes. The Dancing Clown. Ron. He used to be all right–an upstanding citizen, more or less. He even ran a house for sick kids, for Christ’s sake. Nobody knows what happened to turn him so rotten. (loc 137)

“Oh God. Robble robble. Robble robble!” he shouted. She pulled back before he could come. (loc 261)

“Easy, girl,” said the Colonel. “Now that’s better. Good girl, Wendy.” (loc 330)

Incidentally, that last quote (the one with Wendy) isn’t from a sex scene, but it was horrifying and hilarious in context.

Verdict: I made my husband do a junk food run before I read this, which is just as well, as I may never be able to eat a burger again.

This was BRILLIANT, and everyone should go read it right now. But it was disturbing as hell; I may be in therapy forever trying to come to terms with what happened to Grimmis, damn it.

There’s not actually a lot of sex in this, but that’s kind of a good thing, as the sex scene involves an unexpected and unsettling transformation (Emmy changes when she gets excited; I’m not spoiling things by saying more than that).

Is it just me, or is Canada seriously punching about its weight in the weird short erotica category? Leonard Delaney is a twisted, strange national treasure. He’s written the weirdest heist story ever, with kind of a mob-and-bootleggers flavour to it.