Author: Chuck Tingle
WhatWhat: Poor but brilliant James is resigned to his life as a janitor, but then he does that “solve a difficult math problem on a chalkboard” thing and catches the attention of Professor Robber Downy, a T-Rex who offers to teach James math…and gayness.
By Now I’m Convinced the SPAG Errors Are Deliberate:
It’s been said that there are two types of people in life; the ones who we’re born into their good fortune, and the one’s who have to earn it. (loc 4)
A Likely Story:
Unfortunately for Robber, I’m completely straight. (loc 84)
That’s a Subject Now?
“What else do you want to teach me?” I question, slightly confused.
The dinosaur cracks a smile with rows of powerful, sharp teeth. “Gayness.” (loc 106)
Usually There’s a Charge, I Guess:
“You would teach me gayness…for free?” I stammer, my voice trembling. (loc 111)
The New Math is So Confusing:
Flipping the card over, I read aloud. “If gay equals X and straight equals Y, what is bi?” (loc 119)
Standard Money Quote:
“Oh shit! Oh shit!” I cry out, repeating the words over and over again, louder still with every pump. “Oh shit, my tight gay asshole!” (loc 214)
Absolutely the Best Money Quote Ever:
I read the next card, which is labeled, Lesson Two. “Is it gay if it’s between a man and a dinosaur?”
“Well?” The professor asks. “What do you think?”
“I’ve heard this one before.” I tell him. “I’m thinking.”(loc 130)
It’s the kind of question Chuck Tingle must wrestle with daily.
Verdict: The ending of this one seems to link into the universe-switching machine in Chocolate Milk Cowboys. Also, I’m starting to wonder why no one in the Tingleverse can breathe through their nose while sucking cock. But it’s the usual wonderful self-aware insanity I’ve come to expect/love/dread from Chuck Tingle. If no one ever writes a thesis on his body of work, I’ll be too disappointed for words.