Title: Bigfoot Settlers Claim My Butthole

Author: Chuck Tingle

bigfoot settlers
For one Godawful moment I thought that was Wil Wheaton.

WhatWhat: Greg Peacher makes taffy, and since thanks to the New York State Flavor Laws the only legal flavours are chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla, his flavour experimentation leads him to head west in search of a less restrictive environment. His small town in Colorado fits the bill perfectly, until a group of rich bigfoots show up and start buying up property. They want to claim Greg’s butthole as well–so much they’re willing to ensure no restrictive flavour laws will ever be enacted in the county.

Money Quotes:

The mob got involved, and soon enough the candy black market was flooded with new and interesting flavors. Grape, cookie dough, even banana taffy was suddenly easy to find with the right price, and I was immediately hooked. (loc 12)

Even as a straight man, the first thing I notice is just how devilishly handsome these large, hairy creatures are, my breath literally catching in my throat…(loc 27)

He pulls out a handful of deep red tomato taffy. (loc 64)

“Listen, Greg, I know that it might be a lot for you to take in, but our company has done many studies on the value of one’s butthole. You could say we’re leaders in the field.” Explains Tord. “I know a valuable asshole when I see it.” (loc 135)

Verdict: I can’t shake the feeling that this must be part of that same universe where gay doughnuts have gone underground. Also, I really really want a box of these now.

Seriously, though, the world building is the most intriguing aspect of these. The sex gets a little repetitive: the human tries to go down on the [whatever], gags, perseveres until his nose is pressed against the [whatever]’s abs, then is anally penetrated, then double penetrated if there’s more than one [whatever], then comes while being buttfucked and is then coated in the [whatever]’s cum, much of which the human tries to swallow. But the weird little details like “the New York State Flavor Laws” are fascinating.