Title: A Billionaire Dinosaur Stole Justin Bieber’s Gay Virginity

Author: Anatasia Angelique

Dat ass. Also, dat ENORMOUS EYE.
Dat ass. Also, dat ENORMOUS EYE.

WhatWhat: That’s kind of self-evident, but here, have some details. Looking for a way to invest his millions, Justin Bieber takes the advice of his best friend Annie, and creates a dinosaur cloning research foundation. They create a T-Rex with human intelligence, and it quickly manipulates the stock market, becomes rich, and threatens to bankrupt Justin unless it can have sex with him. Justin enjoys it, and in the end they’re shopping for wedding rings.

…What? I don’t know. Every time I think I’ve hit peak absurdity, I find something like this.

The Set-up is Set:

Do I know Justin Bieber? Yes, I do. He and I have been friends since we were toddlers. Oh, and I know that no one cares about the dinosaur research, but I’m going to tell you anyway. Justin and I are responsible for the dinosaur terrorists who just assumed full control of the European Union. (loc 8)

Dialogue Rings True:

Every time Justin would sing around the house, his father would be like, “Shut the fuck up, you little pussy.” (loc 15)

Money Quote:

“Our conversation here is being live streamed. Here are your choices. You can leave now, a hundred million dollars in debt, with your honor intact. Or you will allow me to have sexual intercourse with you and you will walk away with three billion dollars, and whatever reputation you will have after the fact.” (loc 191)

Verdict: Well, the sex is a little gross, and I don’t mean because of Justin Bieber, I mean because of the ripping flesh. But if you can overlook that, it’s worth reading for the bizarre set-up, the inevitable approach of the dinosaur’s takeover of the stock market, and the list of other titles at the back.