Title: Slammed up the Butt by my Hot Coffee Boss

Author: Chuck Tingle

slammed up the butt
This would go well with doughnuts.

WhatWhat: Sales have been lagging at Parkoon Lances, so Yonce Peppers has a new boss: Morcho Kibclaw. Morcho is a real bad ass, firing people left and right, and spilling himself over some woman who arrives late for a meeting. Also he’s a cup of coffee. Because of the laws of thermodynamics Morcho is also in constant need of heat input to keep from cooling down; because this is a Chuck Tingle story, the heat input takes the form of buttsex.

Of Course You Do:

I can’t help letting my breath catch in my throat, not expecting to be so enchanted by this man, not only because he is a cup of coffee, but because I consider myself to be totally straight. (loc 31)

It’s been years since I’ve taken geography, so for all I know this is true:

“It says here you’re from Florida, lance capital of the world.”

I shrug. “I know. It’s hard to believe, but I’ve just never understood the appeal. I’m more of a pitchfork or trident man myself, but I think that’s what makes me so good at this job. I truly understand the competition.” (loc 139)

Money Quote:

“What do you know about living coffee?” Asks Morcho.

This feels like a loaded question, so I tread carefully. “Well, I know that you’re brewed locally most of the time.”

Morcho nods.

“House blend?” I ask.

“Kona.” Morcho tells me. “But that’s very flattering.”

Verdict: I don’t want to spoil the ending, but I think Chuck Tingle may have invented a new kind of vore.

This has a callback to the chocolate milk cowboys, which I appreciate. Also the whole “lances as a viable business” thing reminds me of the examples in How Not to Write a Novel (which is one of my favourite books in the world, so I mean that as a compliment).

It’s a little strange to reflect on the number and variety of living foods that have shown up here. There’s this coffee, these Canadian coffees, doughnuts, and a gingerbread man. I have poutine, poutine, poutine, a spaghetti monster, and a cheesy puff. Sometimes I wonder if my reading habits are going to have long-term effects on me.