I dearly wanted this one to feature a reality television hypocrite, but alas, you can’t have everything.

Dear Mr. Tingle: Could one of your next stories be about a billionaire politician named Tonald Drump?

Title: Pounded in the Butt by my Leaked Mashly Addison Data

Author: Chuck Tingle

mashly addison

WhatWhat: Senator Kurps Krimple has been cheating on his wife, Tilpa, with the help of website Mashly Addison. When data from the site is leaked he’s relieved but puzzled that his own information isn’t available, but then find out it’s walking around and wants to meet up…

Money Quotes:

I absolutely love my wife, but at this point she can’t satisfy me the way that a hunky, gay bigfoot can, and they are swarming Mashly Addison. (loc 31)

My data is loving every second of it, putting his binary hands on the back of my head and guiding me along, controlling the situation like only a confident, alpha cache could. (loc 221)

Verdict: This is a relatively straightforward entry in the Tingleverse. Or, possibly, my brain is just broken now and nothing seems odd anymore. That’s possible. But it’s a charming little cautionary tale (the ending is a bit of a warning to would-be cheaters), and I think “his unencrypted balls” (loc 275) is the most brilliant turn of phrase I’ve seen in a long while.

Warning, though: this is bundled with “Pounded by President Bigfoot,” so the Mashly Addison story ends at the 41% mark.