Title: Creamed in the Butt by my Handsome Living Corn

Author: Chuck Tingle

creamed in the butt

WhatWhat: Matthew McConneymay, a farmer attending the annual California Farming Convention, loses his heart (and ass) to a handsome ear of corn, jeopardizing both his current farming contract with the beets and his own future happiness.

Spoiler Alert: This doesn’t have a happy ending, and one of the quotes further down in this review gives away the hilarious tragedy.

Sexy Foreshadowing:

While there was once a time when the veggies I planted were based on whatever I felt like growing, many large-scale farmers like me are currently being accosted by various companies who want their seeds sown. (loc 14)

Speaking of which, it’s amazing to me that there’s never been a Tingleverse mpreg story.

Money Quotes:

…this muscular agricultural staple…

…the handsome vegetable…(loc 34)

Try working those phrases into your lovemaking sometime. Go on, I dare you.

Mind you, I’ve dated an agricultural staple or two myself. Metaphorically speaking.

Liplon smiles. “I mean, when’s the last time you sat down and bit into a nice, juicy piece of corn? Like, really enjoyed it in a situation where your focus was entirely on the cob itself. Maybe with some salt and butter? I don’t know, whatever floats your boat.” (loc 56)

Suddenly hungry. Which, in context, is alarming.

Suddenly, a beautiful yellow convertible pulls up next to me, the top down and Liplon sitting proudly in the driver’s seat. (loc 138)

That’s just one of those little perfect details.

I’m skipping the quote about cornholing because you probably all guessed that one anyway. Also the patented strand of saliva, joining the protagonist and the corn in symbolic union. But I cannot skip this:

I look back over my shoulder in shock to discover that Liplon is erupting in a fit of passion, the kernels across his body exploding into puffs of popcorn and then shooting off in every direction. (loc 289)

“There’s so much corn in my asshole!” is not a phrase I ever really expected to see in print.

Verdict: So, yes. That happened. The story concludes at a funeral, where Matthew has been giving the eulogy for his dead lover. At least he didn’t eat him; that’s something to be thankful for.