Author: Chuck Tingle
WhatWhat: Travis gets hit by a car and wakes up with huge medical bills, because that’s how America works. Then he meets wealthy investor Barko (Sir Barkono Shibbery), who has plans for Travis’ butt, and not the usual plans you’d find in a Chuck Tingle story. Or, well: yes, those plans too. But also ones to do with strategic investment.
The mysterious, wealthy man is dressed to the nines, looking sharp in a green velvet suit and matching top hat that are both covered in dollar signs. (loc 54)
Subtle. Also, I was honestly expecting this person to turn out to be a pick-up artist.
“Butthole investment?” I counter, not quite sure what he means by this strange, new term.
“Did you know that the most profitable place to run a business is inside the body of a handsome man?” Barko questions. “Specifically, inside of his butthole.” (loc 105)
No wonder so many investors are assholes.
We start by investigating the ecosystem of my anus. Barko explains that even though it looks fantastic from the outside, there is no telling what waits within. Fortunately, what we find is a stunning collection of hills and valleys, a gorgeous landscape covered in lush green forests and beautiful flowing rivers. (loc 114)
I’m having trouble accepting that as “lucky.” It sounds more in the realm of “painful” to be honest.
We name this particular region of my butthole Plobus Valley, an attractive name that translates to “place of sweet riches” in the language of the natives who inhabit my body. It also makes for a great wine brand. (loc 142)
IN THE LANGUAGE OF THE NATIVES WHO LIVE UP HIS ARSE.
Verdict: My head hurts, but I’m marginally less confused than I usually am after reading about investment strategies.