Title: Feeling the Bern in my Butt

Author: Chuck Tingle

feeling the bern

WhatWhat: Lorp has never met a candidate quite like hot, handsome Democratic contender Bernie Sambers, and soon the charismatic unicorn is riding Lorp’s ass in a public display of…I don’t know, politics? Does this actually happen in American leadership campaigns?

Money Quotes: Brace yourselves, dear readers.

I’d heard a little bit about Bernie Sambers, but not enough to quell the immediate gagging sensation I feel at yet another slimy politician scrambling for my vote. (loc 22)

So far, so realistic.

Every sign that I see has a message that resonates deeply within me, deeper than any candidate has ever been able to reach. While most politicians craft messages that tug at my heartstrings, these seem to go even father. [sic] He’s tugging at my butt. (loc 45)

Naturally Lorp’s roommate asks him if he’s feeling the burn. But wait: there’s something odd about Bernie Sambers:

From somewhere behind the hanging flags comes a stark white, galloping figure, his wintery mane flowing out behind him and the horn on his head shimmering brilliantly; Bernie Sambers. (loc 63)

This is honestly not all that different from encountering our-world Bernie supporters online, right down to the wonky punctuation.

I’m greeted by a sensual explosion of taste that shifts between cotton candy, bubblegum and cherry. This man can truly do no wrong. (loc 194)

Well, okay, I’ve never encountered a BernieBro so enthused he’d actually tasted the man.

“You trust me with your vote,” the unicorn laughs, “don’t you trust me with your butt?” (loc 212)

Yikes.

I can feel the democratic socialist vibrations filling my ass with warmth and then spilling out across my body, running down my arms and legs in a series of pleasant waves. (loc 226)

As a Canadian I’m feeling a little cheated. I mean, we’re socialist-ish, and all we get is free healthcare.

…no, never mind, I’d rather have the healthcare.

Anyway, I leave you with one last glimpse into how politics work in the Tingleverse. Or for all I know, how they actually work in the United States, because I’ll admit I have no idea what’s going on down there.

“I am pleased to say that Lorp Rims is my new running mate!” the unicorn bellows as we gallop past the onlookers, the cock still slamming away at my asshole. (loc 247)

Yes, that’s right: Lorp’s displaying his suitability for office by being fucked by a galloping unicorn as it passes through a crowd of supporters. I’m assuming that’s a metaphor for something.

Verdict: The American election cycle has already gone on forever, and I’ve read more politician-based erotica than anyone should have to, but this was admittedly entertaining. (Also, I’ve spoken to Bernie supporters who would probably believe the magical unicorn part. So there’s that.) I think I can safely say that this story was unforgettable, if only because my liver would never survive the amount I’d have to drink to forget it.