You wouldn’t think, looking at that title (or the cover), that this could turn out to have anything to do with the American election. But I’ve entered some previously-undiscovered circle of hell, and everything I read this week turns out to have Donald Trump in it.

Title: Culkolded by the Lumberjacks: The Helpless Treehugger

Author: Bibi Baxter

culkholded lumberjacks

WhatWhat: Aiden is president of Trees Before People, and when his wife chains herself to a tree to prevent the Drumph Real Estate Corporation from clearcutting he sneaks back to watch over her, and sees her take on three burly lumberjacks and Drumph himself.

Money Quotes:

It was going to be a good day for Trees Before People, the conservation activist group I was the current president of. For two weeks we had managed to prevent Drumph Realty Corporation from razing a patch of untouched forest, the only natural habitat of the Spotted Tick, one of Mother Earth’s most precious creatures. (loc 18)

Oh goody, this is being told from the point of view of my ex-husband.

I could tell by the way her D-cup breasts bounced under the cotton of her tank top she wasn’t even wearing a bra. I mean, it was her right as a feminist and everything, and she certainly didn’t need one since they were so full and perky, but I could see her large nipples straining to poke through the fabric. (loc 43)

I also noticed she was wearing her good underwear, the lacy black ones she only wore on my birthday. When the blond thug ripped them down her legs, I was even more surprised to see that she was completely shaven. (loc 178)

Yes, okay, they’re easy shots, but they’re taken with such lazy grace that I’m in love.

Natasha never let me enter that hole. According to her it was misogynist and degrading. Now she was about to let some stranger do it…with a dick that was twice my size!” (loc 241)

Verdict: God damn it, I didn’t want this to turn out to be hot. I really, REALLY didn’t want it to turn out to be hot and then have Donald Trump turn up, thereby running the risk of some horrible cross-pollination taking place in my subconscious mind. (But I think I’m okay. More than 24 hours have passed and I still find him sexually uninteresting. I may have natural immunity.)

This was funny and clever and refreshingly grammatical, and a pleasure to read. And then unexpectedly hot, which I suppose would usually be a bonus but in this instance was slightly worrying.