Remember how I discovered there were twenty-seven of those “taken by the men who raised me” stories? I’ve made a terrifying, fascinating discovery.

Title: Gay Cult: Pounded by the Men Who Raised Me

Author: Andy Paigeman

gay cult

WhatWhat: To quote the Amazon description, “It’s been five years since Kenneth left behind his gay sex cult past,” only can one ever REALLY leave behind one’s gay sex cult past?  No, reader: one cannot. So Kenneth ends up being fucked by a bunch of the older guys from the cult compound.

Money Quotes:

As far as I was aware, all kids grew up attending morning religious rituals like snake handling and fire walking. (loc 12)

This cult has a really wide range of interests.

Unfortunately, I left the church right before my twentieth birthday, which is just before the first sexual ritual takes place, so I don’t exactly know for myself.

Of course, the step father and step uncle aspect of these sexual encounters also rubs a lot of people the wrong way, and understandably so, but that never bothered me all that much thanks mostly to the fact that the older men at the church happen to be incredibly handsome. Sure, they are older men, but they wear it well and stay exceptionally fit by taking part in various chores around the compound. (loc 34)

Yeah, see…I don’t think most people’s objections to ritualized sex with their stepfather hinges on whether or not he’s good looking.

“Hello Kenneth.” Peter says. “Welcome back to the Gay Garden. May the vines fill your soul with light and love.”

“May the vines fill your soul with light and love.” The group of handsome older men repeats in unison. (loc 148)

Oh, come on. That is not how you punctuate dialogue tags or how you do foreplay. I love that the cult compound is called the Gay Garden, though.

“Are you ready to receive the vines?” (loc 148)

Guess what the vines are? Yes, their penises. No, I’m not kidding.

“Do you all want to fuck me at the same time?” I ask seductively in a voice that barely feels like my own. “Do you want to take me in my tight twink asshole?” (loc 158)

The reason your voice barely feels like your own, Kenneth, is because you’re obviously using Chuck Tingle’s voice right about now.

Lost in a sea of frantic gay lust, I take my step father’s massive dick and shove it down my throat as far as I can, gag reflex be damned. Somehow, I manage to loosen up enough to take Peter all the way into the depths of my neck, his entire length consumed as his balls hang on my chin and his abs press hard against my face. (loc 183)

Verdict: This raises some deep questions, not least of which is, why do women get “taken” and men get “pounded”? Are gay sex cults really a thing? Are there twenty-seven of these, too? I’m honestly scared to go look.

This is so Tingle-esque as to be amazing, dear reader. It’s all here: gay lust; abs; a tight twink asshole. But somehow it’s not the same without the unicorns and sentient food.