Sometimes I stumble across the most unexpected things. This is one of those times.

Title: My Goosebumps Fetish

Author: Emilio Amaro


WhatWhat: You think you enjoyed the Goosebumps series, reader, but this guy enjoyed them on a whole other level.

Money Quotes:

The only time I would be allowed to open my mouth was when Slappy entered his wooden cock into my mouth. (loc 23)

I bet that’s not even that unusual a fantasy, really. Shut up.

He orders people around, calls them slave, wears a tux…it’s like Fifty Shades of Slappy.

A few times, I would make out with the lawn gnomes that decorated the yards of nearby neighbours and put a ball gag in my mouth while destroying the yards of the neighbourhood, … (loc 27)

Okay, I laughed out loud picturing this. You win, author. Your love of Goosebumps eclipses my own.

But alas, my middle school masturbatory journey came to a sudden halt one morning when my mom came into the kitchen and fount me fucking a carton of eggs as I listened to the audiobook version of Egg Monsters from Mars. (loc 35)

Alas, indeed. I’m even willing to overlook “fount” in my appreciation for that scene.

Verdict: Look, I can’t be the only person who had a slight crush on Slappy, right? But even I never had a thing for the rest of Stine’s creatures. This is worth reading, mostly for the strange blend of childhood nostalgia and brain-searingly adult images. His backlist is truly terrifying, though.