Good evening, world. Ready for some political commentary in the form of gorilla erotica? No? Me either, yet here we are.
Title: Dicks Out for Harambe 2: Harambe Clinton vs Donald Trump
Author: Richard Stroker
WhatWhat: When last we saw Harambe he was dead of a gunshot wound, which you’d think would prevent sequels, but no. Turns out Harambe faked his death, and now he’s back, and just in time to stand in for Hillary Clinton and win the election. You can read that last sentence as many times as you want and it’s still not going to help.
Harambe the gorilla readjusted his sun hat while sitting at the bar of the beach side hotel he was staying at. He sipped his banana flavored daiquiri thoughtfully. Had it really been four months already? Four months ago, on May 28th 2016, Harambe the gorilla had faked his own death. (loc 173)
We all kind of wish that was true.
Three hours later Harambe had received a complete make over. Harambe’s lucious dark hair had been bleached to look like Hillary’s blonde locks. He had also received a full set of Hillary-esque suits and a quick rundown of her most used catch phrases and mannerisms. (loc 202)
I can see how some readers could find this funny, but I’m not sure how it’s going to lead to erotic situations.
“Wow Hillary! A few days ago you looked like death. Today… Well today you look like a completely different woman!” Bill’s hand slid down Harambe’s waist and rested teasingly on his ample buttocks. Harambe blinked in surprise. (loc 214)
Oh God no.
Bill moved closer and took one of Harambe’s large hands in his own. “Wow Hillary, I never noticed how large and cigar-like your fingers are. You know how much cigars turn me on!” (loc 220)
And now I’m probably going to hell for laughing at that.
Later that night Harambe wept in bed. He knew Trump was a fascist beast but he couldn’t help but find the man the personification of sexualized perfection. (loc 266)
Verdict: You know you’re reading something special when the gorilla sex is the least horrifying aspect of the thing. Also, there’s nothing like having to explain what you’re laughing at when it’s this. It’s twisted, but it IS funny. I’ll leave you unspoiled as to what happens with Donald Trump and who wins the election.