I read this title (literally just the title) out loud to someone and they said, “That doesn’t sound too bad.” I think I’ve corrupted my social circle by exposing them to second-hand erotica. Because how? HOW does that not sound too bad?

paul-ryan

Title: Paul Ryan: Spanker of the House

Author: V. L. Vance

WhatWhat: Okay, so: Paul Ryan has just replaced John Boehner as Speaker of the House, and Boehner has to deliver the customary blow job (I’m assuming this doesn’t actually happen in American politics; correct me if I’m wrong). But Ryan takes it a step farther and administers a spanking and a humiliating display, then later picks up some governor’s nephew for sex.

Money Quotes:

The buttons of his shirt were open, peeled open by the nimble fingers of John Boehner. John sat between Paul’s muscular legs, his fingers sliding up his thighs. Paul’s pants were around his ankles, but his large cock, clearly visible as it snaked its way across his thigh,…(loc 19)

You know, you could back away now and save yourself, reader. It’s too late for me, but you could walk away now before any further images of Paul Ryan’s member are seared across your memory.

“Not as sad as I am to see it pass to someone who’s never had a job in the private sector,” John said sadly, his fingers slipping beneath Paul’s briefs and gently brushing the side of his throbbing meat. (loc 23)

I laughed out loud at that, but it was partly hysteria. The pillow talk in this is truly amazing, though.

Paul was such an alpha that even the men of the House were thrilled into sexual servitude by his raw masculinity. (loc 47)

Paul. Ryan. Okay, I just….let’s just keep going.

“Come on,” Paul said. “You’re a grown man. You back down to liberals like you’re a little girl, but the least you could do is show me some dignity and take a spanking like a man. (loc 67)

….

“You ready to get bred?” Paul asked, raising his eyebrows again. “You ready to take the seed of a Republican hero?”

“Give it to me!” Max cried, pulling Paul in closer to him. “Please, sir, give me your patriotic seed!” (loc 393)

It would be utterly hilarious to scream “Give me your patriotic seed!” during sex, but I seriously think my husband would have me committed immediately afterwards.

Someone else try it and report back what happens.

Verdict: This was hilarious (and grammatically sound), but I’m headed straight for the liquor cabinet now, and I’m staying there.