It’s been a long, dry time between updates, but I couldn’t let the 2017 Hugo Award Finalists go by without notice. Because we follow, and apparently review, Hugo nominations on this blog now. We are just et up with class, I tell you what.

Title: Alien Stripper Boned From Behind by the T-Rex

Author: Stix Hiscock

alien stripper

WhatWhat: A three-breasted alien from Fylashio who crash-landed on Earth, Kelly Kiwaxyahilajhonnosoupolus is working as a laser blasting nipple stripper to make ends meet, when she hooks up with one of the bar’s patrons: Tyrone, a humanoid T-rex.

Money Quotes:

I tried not to think too hard about how it was I got to where I found myself. Even when I tried to, I found it frequently boggled the mind. (loc 16)

You and me both, alien stripper. You and me both.

Our hero enjoyed the show:

“By the time you were finished with that last little stunt of yours, I was sitting here looking like I had a fossilized brachiosaurus neck in my pants. (loc 240)

Then there’s this:

…his tongue twisted warm and wet around my head like a rolled up piece of bologna. He lifted his neck up, and I felt my body leave the ground as he brought me up into the air. The[n] he began to shake me around in his mouth, twitching from side to side in a furious, passionate manner, making me  dizzy with his love as he ravished my willing body. (loc 297)

That actually does sound like something a T-Rex would do, yes. Quite why the heroine finds it erotic escapes me, but then, she is an alien.

A cheating, cheating alien:

Charlie was a tentacle monster, and pretty much just looked like a living bowl of spaghetti with a penis hidden somewhere near the center. (loc 399)

But she’s been stranded on Earth for years now, and Tyrone’s girlfriend was killed by a meteor, so they decide to move on together.

Verdict: I feel like when I was a child, the Hugos were different somehow.

Anyway. This certainly is something, all right.  I would hang that cover on my wall, if it came in poster form. And the description of a brachiosaurus as “so good at deep-throating” is a thing of beauty.

You know what’s fun? If you read this story and then go look at the complete list of Hugo finalists for this year, THEY ALL SOUND LIKE EROTICA NOW.

…I mean, I hope they do. Because if it’s just me reading them that way, this blog has broken me somehow.