Look, if the Hugo people would take my advice and start a “Short Form Erotica” category for works of space boning and unicorn humping, I would gladly review ALL nominees to that category.
Anyway. I have regretfully concluded that there’s been a mistake. Stix Hiscock should definitely be on the list of nominees, but not for Alien Stripper Boned From Behind by the T-Rex. As important (seminal, even) as that work is, it pales in comparison to this one.
Author: Stix Hiscock
WhatWhat: As the narrator is at pains to explain, it’s not easy being a fairy pixie mushroom farmer and unicorn rancher. Her over-protective father won’t let her leave the farm, and her life lacks meaning and boning, until the day they acquire a centaur to help defend the unicorns from the vampire tentacle monster.
Sometimes I would go out at night when I couldn’t sleep, and feed them bags upon bags full of pure sugar….I would kiss them on their muzzles, and admire their sleek white forms, the flanks strangely erotic to me as they throbbed with muscle and power, making me think even more about having the arms of a man around me, someone who could love me right, and fill the wet, gaping void I had in my life. Then, once they’d finished up their bags of sugar, I would tenderly hook them up, one by one, to their dialysis machines, which were absolutely essential to their survival due to being fed diets of nothing but sugar day in and day out. (loc 620)
If that is not the most hilariously tragic scene ever written I’d like to know what is.
Then one of the unicorns is killed by a tentacle vampire! And Pa has this to say:
“Been an epidemic of ’em around the country, I’ve heard…And guess what? Barack Hussein Obama isn’t doing a damn thing to try and stop it.” (loc 670)
That’s why you got Trump.
Best line in all of literature:
Pa scowled, not paying attention, and waved a dismissive hand at the unicorpse. (loc 677)
They acquire a centaur at an auction, which I guess is how that works, and soon the narrator and the centaur are involved:
…and our wet, aroused genitals echoing loudly together, KLAP, KLAP, KLAP, KLAP, KLAP! (loc 910)
But eventually Pa finds out and drives the centaur away. So of course the vampire tentacle monster attacks! There’s only one thing to do:
“Mmhmm…You leave my unicorns alone, and I’ll let you do whatever you want to me…What. Ever. You. Want. (loc 1025)
Lincoln (the centaur) arrives in the middle of this, hoping to save his pixie love, and after some initial confusion and disgust they reach an agreement.
But at last, after several minutes of talking, this was actually happening- a fairy pixie, centaur, tentacle vampire threesome…(loc 1063)
Verdict: Finally someone has provided an answer to the age-old question of How Do You Keep Them Down On The Farm After They’ve Seen Paris: you supply them with a centaur and a vampire tentacle monster. OBVIOUSLY.