Title: Pounded in the Wallet and the Butt by the Failed Fyber Music Festival

Author: Chuck Tingle

fyber music festival

WhatWhat: Gono takes out a $250,000 loan so he can attend the Fyber Music Festival in the Bahamas. He loses his money, but both he and his wallet get pounded, and he finds love.

Money Quotes:

“Look at this,” I gush, continuing to click through the pictures. “They’ve got everything. Every hotel is five stars, with the best chefs in the world flown in to provide the food and drinks. Pretty much every supermodel on Earth is going to be there!” (loc 22)

Gono’s friend Reet is right to be suspicious of this.

Even more luxurious is the diamond package, which allows you everything that comes with the artist pass, plus the opportunity to fire off a shot of the diamond cannon, as well as an endangered species hunting safari, a lap dance from a fifth dimensional being, a trip to the moon with Elon Muggs, and a complimentary key fob. (loc 51)

It’s touches like the key fob that make Tingle so enjoyable.

In the Bahamas, the luxury shuttle service turns out to be a guy pushing a shopping cart:

“You have your Tetanus shot?” the man asks.

“Uh, yeah, I think so,” I stammer. “Why?”

The man says nothing in response, just continues to push. (loc 111)

Always a bad sign.

Unlike the rest of the folks drinking here tonight, this figure is not a human being at all, instead made up of swirling musical notes and manifested overpriced sun-soaked experiences. He appears to be the sentient physical manifestation of a music festival, and I know exactly which one. (loc 138)

Verdict: Rather than eat a cheese sandwich like a peasant, Gono takes himself out for spaghetti and chocolate, thereby paving the way for his encounter with the handsome embodiment of the music festival. Let that be a lesson to other concert goers.

This is a cute hot take on a current (at-time-of-writing) hilarious failure. Chuck Tingle, whoever he or they might be, has added grammatical proficiency to his wild creativity and tongue-in-cheek observations.