You know what would have made this review better? If I had managed to get it up on May the Fourth like an organized person would have done. Sorry.

But it’s going up today, because starting tomorrow Lover, Raptor, Gentleman is doing an eight-day Stuff Moms Like theme to lead in to mother’s day. And yes, there will be a Tingler. Moms love Chuck Tingle.*

Title: Butt Wars: Rogue Buns

Author: Chuck Tingle

butt wars rogue buns

WhatWhat: I mean, this is obvious from the title, isn’t it? Space outlaw Yerpo Lams gets chosen by the rebel Bubble Alliance to strike a blow against the Umpire by stealing the plans for the Butt Star, which means he’ll have to seduce Darth Bater.

Money Quotes:

The last time I checked, I was one of the most wanted petty criminals in the entire galaxy, a title that is equally impressive and embarrassing. (loc 4)

Ha. So as well as having a happier ending than the version you’ve seen in the multiplex, this one has a more self-aware hero than the original trilogy? Well played.

It is said that he masturbate twenty times a day, keeping his sexual desires completely satiated by means of his own bionic hand. He is impossible to seduce. (loc 106)

We’re in the presence of an Evil Genius.

The next thing I know, Darth Bater is pushing the glowing red tip of this lengthy object right up into my asshole. My reaction is immediate. (loc 239)

My reaction was immediate too: I screamed. Sorry. I was raised on the original movies (I know that raises questions about my upbringing), and I thought for a second this was going to end horribly.

Verdict: Yerpo Lams and Darth Bater do NOT fall in love and pledge eternal devotion, but Yerpo does waltz away at the end with the cum-splattered plans, so this ends on a happier note than the movie, as most things do.

*Judge for yourself based on your knowledge of your own personal mom whether she’d enjoy a paperback collection of Tinglers for Mother’s Day. She might, reader. She might. She had a life before you, you know.