If that title doesn’t make you a little bit sad I don’t even know what’s wrong with you.

Title: Slammed in the Butt by the Prehistoric Magalodon Shark Amid Accusations of Jumping Over Him

Author: Chuck Tingle

handsome megalodon shark

WhatWhat: Morn Mince goes on a chocolate milk bender, and the next morning wakes up to news reports of someone jumping a prehistoric Megalodon down in the bay. Morn heads down there to talk to the shark in person (the shark is a “handsome brain surgeon sea beast named Perks Yono;” aren’t they all), and, well. You know.

Money Quotes:

I burst out through the doors of the restaurant and immediately start stumbling towards the waterfront, chocolate milk surging through my system. (loc 30)

That is the Chuck-Tinglest of benders, but alas, the next morning Morn can’t quite remember what he did next, and on the television there are reports of shark jumping:

The other anchor nods as well, glancing over at her partner with grave concern. “You know I thought it was funny at first, but it’s just the same jump over and over again!” (loc 55)

Ow. Oh, Chuck.

Down in the harbor, the shark asks Morn is he’s the ambulance boat:

“The ambulance boat,” the monstrous sea beast repeats. “I’m meeting one here for a drop off. They’ve got a patient onboard.”

“You’re a doctor?” I suddenly question.

The Megalodon nods. “Brain surgeon.” (loc 97)

I was half expecting some sort of commentary on the dangers of repealing Obamacare at that point. Anyway, the patient rescheduled, leaving the Megalodon free, but more importantly leaving us with this glorious sentence:

“Welp, I better go tell my nurse sharks,” the Carcharodon Megalodon explains. (loc 106)

If Dr. Tingle could somehow be persuaded to do a g-rated version of this story, I know some kids who would LOVE the nurse shark joke.

The shark remembers seeing Morn swimming the night before, but will need to see him with his pants off to be sure. The good news, though, is that it wasn’t Morn who did the jumping part:

“Nope,” the Megalodon offers. “You’ve got the same leather jacket thing going on, but this guy was a lot cooler. He kept saying Aye!” (loc 114)

Ow.

Morn gets naked and puts on a scuba mask, as one does in intimate situations.

“Fuck yeah, stroke that ancient apex predator surgeon cock,” moans Dr. Yono, pumping his hips in time with my hand. (loc 161)

That line’s going to need rewriting for the children’s version.

Verdict: Entirely charming, and how dare anyone have accused Dr. Tingle of same-iness. How. Dare.