Twice the recommended dose!

Title: Pounded in the Butt by Covfefe

Author: Chuck Tingle

covfefe.jpg

WhatWhat: Domald Tromp’s private bodyguard, Hayden, gets taken to see a top-secret government experiment, and the furry man-beast-coffee thing fucks him. Hayden then helps the “creature of love” escape.

Money Quotes:

Unfortunately, these meetings have become a bit of a problem for those of us who have to keep track of the increasingly erratic Tromp, who has lately taken to loudly shouting government secrets while stuffing his face full of free breadsticks in the Margo Largo public restaurant. (loc 15)

 

“I want you in my mouth,” I whisper to the scientifically-engineered-coffee-creature-who-was-designed-for-love-and-refuses-to-act-upon-the-violence-and-war-demanded-by-Domald-Tromp. (loc 168)

That’s some serious commitment to hyphenation.

Verdict: Not gonna lie, if I met something that was a cross between a Wookiee and a coffee I’d be tempted to go down on it too.

Title: Covfefe Bigly: An Erotic Wonderland

Author: Biff Bowen

covfefe bigly

WhatWhat: I cannot possibly do any better than to quote the Amazon description at you: Not only does the inexplicable word never leave her, but Jasmine finds herself incredibly turned on by orange cheese snacks. She returns from shopping to find her bags are full of tiny gloves. Why, she wonders, why?

Money Quotes:

“So, you’re okay? Shit, you were loud. What were you doing?” Kat’s expression turned to one of confusion. “Are you naked? And did you rub orange chips all over your face or something?” (loc 32)

That awkward moment when your BF catches you indulging your fetishistic cheesy-masturbation needs.

Jasmine works as an editor, and her new obsession with Covfefe is starting to affect her job performance (and her speech):

Matt gestured to her computer screen. “It’s just that you’ve written ‘but her emails’ in block capitals repeatedly in that document you’re working on.”

Jasmine turned to face the screen where dozens of rows confirmed what Matt had observed. “Oh yeah, this. It’s a new project I’m working on. It’s going to be the best project, you’ll see. People will love it. It’ll be even more popular than the last one.” (loc 67)

Then she melds with a golf club (in a sexy context…you kind of need to read it for yourself) and wakes up in a land where all her wishes come true:

“You are in the land of Mara Blargo,” he replied with pursed lips. “I am Ronald.” (loc 119)

Verdict: Looks like I picked the wrong week to cut down on caffeine.