WhatWhat: You think you enjoyed the Goosebumps series, reader, but this guy enjoyed them on a whole other level.
The only time I would be allowed to open my mouth was when Slappy entered his wooden cock into my mouth. (loc 23)
I bet that’s not even that unusual a fantasy, really. Shut up.
A few times, I would make out with the lawn gnomes that decorated the yards of nearby neighbours and put a ball gag in my mouth while destroying the yards of the neighbourhood, … (loc 27)
Okay, I laughed out loud picturing this. You win, author. Your love of Goosebumps eclipses my own.
But alas, my middle school masturbatory journey came to a sudden halt one morning when my mom came into the kitchen and fount me fucking a carton of eggs as I listened to the audiobook version of Egg Monsters from Mars. (loc 35)
Alas, indeed. I’m even willing to overlook “fount” in my appreciation for that scene.
Verdict: Look, I can’t be the only person who had a slight crush on Slappy, right? But even I never had a thing for the rest of Stine’s creatures. This is worth reading, mostly for the strange blend of childhood nostalgia and brain-searingly adult images. His backlist is truly terrifying, though.
WhatWhat: Amber’s stepfather and her uncles get their old band back together, and after a sparsely attended performance (okay, only Amber shows up) she decides to cheer them up by fucking them all.
With massive generation gaps abound, it’s easy to see how someone my age could find it hard to relate to their step father. He read’s books that are drab and has a more-than-questionable fashion sense, among other embarrassing truths. (loc 6)
“He read’s,” really? This is not a promising beginning.
The second that my step dad see’s me….(loc 29)
You’re fucking kidding me, right?
But my attraction to them is just plan wrong. Even with the lack of any biological taboo, since we are not technically related by blood, the lustful feelings that brew inside of me are unmistakably forbidden. (loc 144)
I get the feeling that the author wanted to make the lack of blood kinship perfectly “plan” to the Amazon gatekeepers.
I want to fuck my step dad, and I want to fuck him badly. (loc 218)
And then I want to proofread even more badly.
I pull back with frantic enthusiasm, looking up at the muscular men who raised me with pure lust in my eyes. “Fuck me right now! I need your bog step daddy cocks in this tight little pussy!”
I fall forward onto my hands and knees in the middle of the living room, popping my ass out at the band and wiggling it in the air. “Come and get it!” I coax. (loc 250)
Holy Chuck Tingle: I feel like I’ve read practically this exact scene somewhere before, but I can’t quite put my finger on where.
Verdict: Eerily familiar, and yet curiously devoid of unicorns.
WhatWhat: Seemingly narrated by the adventurous sister who brought the gift of a teddy bear to her stay-at-home twin sister, this is the story of the tentacled Thing inhabiting the toy that used to belong to the daughter of the explorer who found a temple dedicated to a God of Lust. Sounds convoluted? It is.
How many do you think you can stuff inside me this time? I want that big purple one to go in first, and I want to suck on the one that produces the best vanilla frosting. (loc 45)
Yes, well, don’t we all. Sadly, reality hasn’t caught up with the desire for vanilla frosting.
Oh, there it is again. The noises do sound like someone is getting a real big cock sucking, eh? And my sister had a very tight pussy. (loc 74)
In the better families people don’t know that about their own sisters. But I digress.
But I think I saw that thing take my sister on the night she disappeared. It lives inside the bear. That’s why it wants me. It wants to fuck me with its hundred cocks. (loc 162)
Verdict: Trying very hard to be Lovecraftian, and succeeding reasonably well. Well enough for the purposes of kindleporn, anyway.
WhatWhat: Former nerd George is now a millionaire with a trophy wife, but his plans to show off at his high school reunion go badly wrong, and she ends up cuckolding him with the guy who used to bully him (and later with the chauffeur just for good measure).
If he was expecting any tips from yours truly he was sorely mistaken. I’d never even been in that hole! Having to do all the work of initiating sex with Krystal in the first place, it had never occurred to me that she might be open to anal. Now here she was giving it up to our limo driver whose name she didn’t even know! (loc 340)
I can’t see how it’d be much better if he was wearing a name tag, though, George.
I pumped urgently, disgusted that I was so horny thinking of my own cock sliding in and out of the cum that had been left inside my wife by my former bully. (loc 407)
On the bright side, you do know his name.
Verdict: There’s more than one story available on Amazon right this minute with this exact title, which feels like some sort of profound revelation about human nature.
This one is literate and deft, although I enjoyed it less than the Old Spice one or the lumberjack one, largely because I liked George and felt sorry for him. But he enjoyed it, so I guess that’s all that matters here.
WhatWhat: Jeff takes his wife to “audition” as a dancer for a rap video, and gets to watch her be fucked by the rapper. By the end she’s being used by Marcus’ whole entourage, and apparently happy with this.
She sways her curvy body to the hypnotic base, while King watches approvingly, lewdly licking his dark, full lips. (loc 32)
Countdown until someone gets called “chocolate.”
Marcus King is our favorite hip-hop artist. His catchy booty-poppin’ anthems are a guilty pleasure of ours. None of our friends have any idea that we, a highly educated, middle-class white couple in our late twenties secretly love blasting his records while driving. They’d probably be aghast that we’d associate ourselves with such a hoodlum. (loc 58)
So this is set in an alternate universe where the fifties never ended and people give a flying fuck what music you listen to in the car?
A louder and stronger voice, the primal side of me, wants that to happen. I want to see my wife surrender herself to this big black brute, to lose herself in ecstasy, to easily and without question obey his every command. (loc 171)
Bad news, Jeff: your primal side is a racist, and should go fuck itself.
She lost count as they used her like a cumdumpster, coating her from head to toe in black semen. (loc 480)
The word black is thrown around a LOT in this story (black hand, black giant, etc. etc.), but “black semen” has to be the weirdest use.
Verdict: Holy Fuck, this was an uncomfortable read. I mean, this is incredibly upfront about its Weird Race Shit, and I don’t want to kinkshame anyone, but…Holy Fuck. I’m a little amazed that this is anyone’s kink.
I went into this expecting hotwife or cuckolding shenanigans (based on the subtitle). Looking back now at the Amazon blurb, I should have known what I was actually getting:
See? In retrospect it’s perfectly clear what that’s supposed to be signalling. Lesson learned: if someone is described as black twice within a two-sentence summary, there’s going to be weird race stuff.
WhatWhat: Astronaut Lance Tanner, last seen in the Hugo-nominatedSpace Raptor Butt Invasion, stands trial. The charge is being too weird for space, and the lawyer argues that a serious, historical institution like space travel can’t be associated with Lance and his raptor lover Orion. Worse yet, Lance’s mission was funded by Scoundrels Inc., and even though he didn’t know that he’s somehow guilty by association. But a demonstration for the courts wins Lance his freedom and his raptor.
I am world-renowned astronaut, Lance Tanner of the Earth Outpost Program, sanctioned with the unequivocally important role of searching out planets that could one day be inhabitable for human life as Earth becomes more and more toxic. (loc 20)
So Lance’s Earth, much like the real one, is drowning in dangerous levels of toxic smug?
“I don’t support bad guys,” I try to say as clearly as I possibly can.
The reporter just stares at me blankly. “So you’re not going to come out against them?” (loc 66)
Lance is basically being subject to a level of bad faith argument rarely seen outside of Twitter. It’s a dark day in the Tingleverse.
It takes a long night of working with helpful friends to translate my words into something that sounds even the slightest bit like a speech fit for a courtroom. (loc 78)
I feel like I’ve had a glimpse at the author’s process.
“Okay,” I counter, “but did you ever think that something could be dumb…and good?”
There is more chatter from the jury box.
The lawyer laughs. “Ha! In space stuff? Not a chance, space is for smart people.”
“Maybe that’s why nobody likes it enough to get a rocket off the ground,” I offer. “You know Chuck Buckarooski once said ‘An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way, and artist says a hard thing in a simple way.'”(loc 152)
You will never convince me that the Bukowski-quoting Chuck Tingle doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing.
“Have you ever heard of Andy Kaufm–” I start but the lawyer interjects. (loc 159)
The performance artist? Why yes, I have. Up on this layer there was a movie made about him, called Man on the Moon. He was entirely unlike any other performer, and a lot of people disliked that about him.
“So you’re telling me that you would rather just not go into space at all?” I ask, suddenly much more upset than I expected to be and in an entirely different way. “The core of the earth is dying because of these guys, right? The fate of the planet is up to astronauts exploring new worlds and inspiring others to do the same, and your answer is just to burn it all to the ground because my version of sace is not serious enough for you?”
“It was funded by Scoundrels Inc,” the lawyer repeats like a skipping record. “You wouldn’t have been up there in the first place if it wasn’t for Scoundrels Inc.” (loc 207)
When assholes are assholes you don’t react by shutting it all down and doing half their work for them, you react by finding joy in the darkness. (loc 242)
Everyone associated with Lover, Raptor, Gentleman and Short Attention Span Press would like to offer our congratulations to 2016 Hugo Finalist Chuck Tingle. Space Raptor Butt Invasion has, deservedly, been nominated for best short story.