review: The Groupie: Taken by the Men Who Raised Me

Title: The Groupie: Taken by the Men Who Raised Me

Author: Amber Paige

groupie

WhatWhat: Amber’s stepfather and her uncles get their old band back together, and after a sparsely attended performance (okay, only Amber shows up) she decides to cheer them up by fucking them all.

Money Quotes:

With massive generation gaps abound, it’s easy to see how someone my age could find it hard to relate to their step father. He read’s books that are drab and has a more-than-questionable fashion sense, among other embarrassing truths. (loc 6)

“He read’s,” really? This is not a promising beginning.

The second that my step dad see’s me….(loc 29)

You’re fucking kidding me, right?

But my attraction to them is just plan wrong. Even with the lack of any biological taboo, since we are not technically related by blood, the lustful feelings that brew inside of me are unmistakably forbidden. (loc 144)

I get the feeling that the author wanted to make the lack of blood kinship perfectly “plan” to the Amazon gatekeepers.

I want to fuck my step dad, and I want to fuck him badly. (loc 218)

And then I want to proofread even more badly.

I pull back with frantic enthusiasm, looking up at the muscular men who raised me with pure lust in my eyes. “Fuck me right now! I need your bog step daddy cocks in this tight little pussy!”

I fall forward onto my hands and knees in the middle of the living room, popping my ass out at the band and wiggling it in the air. “Come and get it!” I coax. (loc 250)

Holy Chuck Tingle: I feel like I’ve read practically this exact scene somewhere before, but I can’t quite put my finger on where.

Verdict: Eerily familiar, and yet curiously devoid of unicorns.

review: Monstrous Lust: He Squirms for Her

Title: Monstrous Lust: He Squirms for Her

Author: E.M. Beastly

he squirms for her

WhatWhat: Seemingly narrated by the adventurous sister who brought the gift of a teddy bear to her stay-at-home twin sister, this is the story of the tentacled Thing inhabiting the toy that used to belong to the daughter of the explorer who found a temple dedicated to a God of Lust. Sounds convoluted? It is.

Money Quotes:

How many do you think you can stuff inside me this time? I want that big purple one to go in first, and I want to suck on the one that produces the best vanilla frosting. (loc 45)

Yes, well, don’t we all. Sadly, reality hasn’t caught up with the desire for vanilla frosting.

Oh, there it is again. The noises do sound like someone is getting a real big cock sucking, eh? And my sister had a very tight pussy. (loc 74)

In the better families people don’t know that about their own sisters. But I digress.

But I think I saw that thing take my sister on the night she disappeared. It lives inside the bear. That’s why it wants me. It wants to fuck me with its hundred cocks. (loc 162)

Verdict: Trying very hard to be Lovecraftian, and succeeding reasonably well. Well enough for the purposes of kindleporn, anyway.

review: Gay Cult

Remember how I discovered there were twenty-seven of those “taken by the men who raised me” stories? I’ve made a terrifying, fascinating discovery.

Title: Gay Cult: Pounded by the Men Who Raised Me

Author: Andy Paigeman

gay cult

WhatWhat: To quote the Amazon description, “It’s been five years since Kenneth left behind his gay sex cult past,” only can one ever REALLY leave behind one’s gay sex cult past?  No, reader: one cannot. So Kenneth ends up being fucked by a bunch of the older guys from the cult compound.

Money Quotes:

As far as I was aware, all kids grew up attending morning religious rituals like snake handling and fire walking. (loc 12)

This cult has a really wide range of interests.

Unfortunately, I left the church right before my twentieth birthday, which is just before the first sexual ritual takes place, so I don’t exactly know for myself.

Of course, the step father and step uncle aspect of these sexual encounters also rubs a lot of people the wrong way, and understandably so, but that never bothered me all that much thanks mostly to the fact that the older men at the church happen to be incredibly handsome. Sure, they are older men, but they wear it well and stay exceptionally fit by taking part in various chores around the compound. (loc 34)

Yeah, see…I don’t think most people’s objections to ritualized sex with their stepfather hinges on whether or not he’s good looking.

“Hello Kenneth.” Peter says. “Welcome back to the Gay Garden. May the vines fill your soul with light and love.”

“May the vines fill your soul with light and love.” The group of handsome older men repeats in unison. (loc 148)

Oh, come on. That is not how you punctuate dialogue tags or how you do foreplay. I love that the cult compound is called the Gay Garden, though.

“Are you ready to receive the vines?” (loc 148)

Guess what the vines are? Yes, their penises. No, I’m not kidding.

“Do you all want to fuck me at the same time?” I ask seductively in a voice that barely feels like my own. “Do you want to take me in my tight twink asshole?” (loc 158)

The reason your voice barely feels like your own, Kenneth, is because you’re obviously using Chuck Tingle’s voice right about now.

Lost in a sea of frantic gay lust, I take my step father’s massive dick and shove it down my throat as far as I can, gag reflex be damned. Somehow, I manage to loosen up enough to take Peter all the way into the depths of my neck, his entire length consumed as his balls hang on my chin and his abs press hard against my face. (loc 183)

Verdict: This raises some deep questions, not least of which is, why do women get “taken” and men get “pounded”? Are gay sex cults really a thing? Are there twenty-seven of these, too? I’m honestly scared to go look.

This is so Tingle-esque as to be amazing, dear reader. It’s all here: gay lust; abs; a tight twink asshole. But somehow it’s not the same without the unicorns and sentient food.

review: The Dinner: Taken by the Men Who Raised Me

Oh God, there are twenty-seven of these.

Title: The Dinner: Taken by the Men Who Raised Me

Author: Amber Paige

the dinner

WhatWhat: Amber’s step father, Jim, needs her to pretend to be his wife for a business dinner. She ends up fucking him, her uncles, and the guys he’s doing business with, because that’s how deals are done, God damn it.

Money Quotes:

In my head I can see my step dad is smiling his wide, handsome smile on the other end of the line, and I’m flooded with a deep yearning for home. (loc 360)

I’ve been homesick before, but not like this.

Jim sighs. “Because I need you to pretend to be my wife.

I freeze when my step father says this, his words tracing a warm jolt of electricity down my spine. I can feel my clit throb with a sudden dull ache down below, a sudden reaction that I can’t quite understand. (loc 386)

Really? You can’t understand that? You’re surprisingly naive for someone who’s about to be at the centre of a gangbang.

“Loosen up buddy!” Lance says, slapping Jim on the back. “I’m just saying, it would be much easier for this deal to get pushed through if we were all a little closer, you know?” (loc 516)

No big deal, dude, we’d just feel better about signing a contract if we all fucked your wife first.

The men who raised me moan with pleasure as I run my tight grip up and down the length of their shafts, moving slowly at first and then gaining speed until I’m beating them off to a pleasant rhythm. (loc 569)

This is so much like that Chuck Tingle book with the living donuts. Just mentally replace “the men who raised me” with “the donuts who glazed me.”

Verdict: Okay, now that I’ve read a couple of these the full hilarity is sinking in. Should I read all 27? I’m really curious as to how anyone can come up with 27 scenarios in which someone can plausibly (I use the term loosely) have sex with her step father and an entire team of step uncles.

review: The Blog: Taken by the Men Who Raised Me

Title: The Blog: Taken by the Men Who Raised Me

Author: Amber Paige

the blog

WhatWhat: April is a sex blogger, and after she accidentally posts her fantasy about her step father, he and her uncles show up to make her gangbang dreams come true.

Money Quotes:

There it is in all of it’s taboo glory; my fantasy admission of wanting to be at the center of a gangbang with my step father and step uncles. (loc 150)

That should be “its” and “:“.

The horny man who raised me pushes in and out, thrusting his cock between my lips as I look up at him with my big, beautiful eyes. He’s an incredibly confident man, and the way that he takes control of me and uses my body is a massive turn on. He’s rough with me, controlling my head with his hands as he uses me like a step neice sex doll until finally I’m forced to pull away and take in a desperate gasp of air.  (loc 221)

That reads so much like Chuck Tingle that I had to double check for dinosaurs.

“Go on!” I command. “Shove that big fat cock up yours up your sweet little step daughter!” (loc 233)

See? SEE?

Verdict: Generally well-written and entertaining. So Tingle-esque I kept waiting for someone to call the heroine a filthy little twink, though, which would have made no sense. Maybe I should step away from the Kindle for a while.

review: Return to Brackford

Title: Return to Brackford

Series: Brackford Hall (Book Two)

Author: Lianah Morgan

return to brackford

WhatWhat: Having spent two years in America, Lady Charlotte Russell returns to Brackford Hall, where she finds the attraction between herself and Cousin Andrew as strong as ever despite his marriage. When his brother-in-law Charles catches them in the act, their twosome becomes a menage, and then Charles makes Charlotte an offer she really can’t refuse (because he controls the estate).

Money Quote:

“You saucy minx. Why won’t you set him free, or refuse him when he comes to you? I can’t help but wonder if you enjoy that he’s someone else’s husband even more than you enjoy him.” (loc 243)

Verdict: The historical setting adds immeasurably to the forbidden aspect of this, and the whole thing is delectable. Flawlessly written, so you can read it without cringing over grammatical errors and the like. This had such a “historical BBC production” feel to it that I almost recommended it to my mother before remembering the many, many reasons why I should not do that.

No, I haven’t read book one yet, though I intend to; I have some sort of disorder that invariably causes me to read series out of order. It’s extremely annoying. Honestly, the last multi-volume thing that I read in its intended order was Lady Caro Lamb’s Glenarvon.