review: Twink on Top: The Sheikh Submits

Title: Twink on Top: The Sheikh Submits

Author: Phillip J. Handelson

twink on top

WhatWhat: Ahmed unluckily gets an erection in the shower, and because the rest of the oil workers know he’s gay they turn him over to Sheikh Al-Jansour for punishment.

Money Quotes:

Ahmed wanted to cry. He was now certain he’d be lit on fire. He knew some of the people around here did that, and a part of him had always know that’d be his end. He was terrified of the pain of burning alive. (loc 43)

It’s such a vibrant culture.

I find it interesting how “sheikh romances” are a thing (Harlequin/Mills & Boone produce large numbers of them, still, which is weird in itself), yet somehow those books rarely mention that the hero would have to be Muslim, let alone address any of the implications of that. Yet here we are in kindleporn territory, being blunt about the reality before we get down to the fantasy part.

“You are. You are a sodomite as well,” he said. “That is disgusting. It is forbidden in the Koran.” (loc 68)

Of course we’re in eroticaland, where “forbidden” is only an enticement to pleasure. If only we lived there.

As he watched Sheikh Al-Jansour lick, Ahmed was overcome by his own orgasm. His back arched and his dick spasmed inside Al-Jansour’s guts. (loc 145)

Verdict: As with the sheikh romances, I suspect at least some of what’s going on here is rewriting a genuinely terrifying real world situation (in this case, being gay in a Muslim country) so that the power of love (or at least lust) saves the day. There’s something comforting about it, given the way the real world so often disappoints on that front.

This is part of the “Sandswept Oasis” franchise, which is an open license franchise from Eroticature.org, so that these characters and settings can be reused in other authors’ work, if you feel so inclined.

 

review: I Turned Frankenstein’s Monster Gay!

Title: I Turned Frankenstein’s Monster Gay!

Author: V. L. Vance

frankenstein's monster

WhatWhat: This is a seeding story, which means it’s as close to being mpreg as anything can be without being mpreg. As promised during the gill-man installment, I went back to find the “origin story,” such as it is. Logan’s trying to invent a serum that will make straight men fancy him. It explodes all over him, and then he has to go seduce Frankenstein’s monster. Typical day at the lab, really.

Money Quotes:

“It’s alive! It’s alive!” the small, dwarfish man across the table from me screamed, his hands in the air.

“No, he’s not,” I said, pointing at the slumped figure on the table. “It was just a reaction from electric shock. Are you sure you guys are scientists?” (loc 21)

I love a good IT’S ALIVE! scene.

“Igor hungry!” the small dwarf said from his new place on a stool near the wall. “Igor eat!”

“Igor needs not to speak in the third person,” I said, rolling my eyes for probably the tenth time today. (loc 31)

Is there any chance that next year we could get V.L.Vance nominated for a Hugo or something?

Soon his cock was swelling even farther in my mouth. I moaned as he exploded, his batter coating my tonsils like they were a batch of sliced apples begging for a warm brown sugar glaze. (loc 142)

That’s Dr. Frankenstein’s cock, if you were wondering.

“Yes, please, breed me, give me your monster seed. I need it!” (loc 250)

Verdict: I’m devouring these like b-movie flavoured candy. You think that’s not a flavour? It is: it tastes like drive-in movie popcorn and bonfire-roasted marshmallows on the beach and a little bit like coconut oil and sweat.

review: Leonardo Dicaprico Finally Wins His Award and It Pounds Him in the Butt

Title: Leonardo Dicaprico Finally Wins His Award and It Pounds Him in the Butt

Author: Chuck Tingle

leonardo dicaprio

WhatWhat: A deserving candidate FINALLY takes his award. This is a Chuck Tingle story, so he takes it up the arse, of course.

As a side note, it took me a full five minutes to remember the real actor’s name after reading this.

Money Quotes:

The Academy of Handsome Buckaroos is a powerful and deep rooted organization, formed over sixty years ago as a way for the Hollywood elite to congratulate themselves on their own handsomeness. (loc 23)

Most accurate description ever.

That movie, of course, was The Revenass, the harrowing tale of a handsome buckaroo lost in the snow for hours and hours after narrowly surviving a bigfoot attack. (loc 53)

I hear it was filmed here in Canada.

Driven mad with lust, I open my mouth wide and take the award’s shaft between my lips, bobbing up and down a few times before retracting him again. A long thread of saliva hangs from my lips and connects to the head of his enormous rod. (loc 196)

Sometimes I’m afraid that strand of saliva will appear in my dreams.

I carefully align the statue’s cock with my already reamed back down and then push download, letting out a long, low moan as my butthole stretches to surround his massive dick. (loc 240)

You align it with what and do what now?

Verdict: I might actually watch the damned Oscars if they were more like this.

 

review: Turned Gay by the Existential Dread That I May Actually be a Character in a Chuck Tingle Book

Title: Turned Gay by the Existential Dread That I May Actually be a Character in a Chuck Tingle Book

Author: Chuck Tingle

turned gay by the existential dread

WhatWhat: Brad is on vacation with his wife, Carrie, when the latest Chuck Tingle makes him start to doubt his own existence while the universe around him becomes gayer.

Money Quotes:

As I said before, I’m a huge fan of Chuck’s work, although I am dubious about the idea that he is a real man out there in Billings, pounding away at the typewriter to create a seemingly endless supply of gay erotica. (loc 21)

Brad is so “relatable” as a character, isn’t he?

“Is that the name of the hotel?” I stammer, barely able to find the words. I feel sick to my stomach, a wave of nausea washing over me.

“Butt Point Suites?” my wife asks, walking up behind me.

I’m utterly dumbfounded. “I thought it was the Sandy Point Suites,” I protest. (loc 102)

I love it.

Suddenly, a whole team of handsome young football players burst into the lobby, shouting and cheering as they slap each other on the ass with playful enthusiasm. They are all shirtless, with boyish smiles and an intoxicating, vibrant charm. (loc 163)

Poor Brad becoming increasingly stressed as the universe around him reveals itself to be the Tingleverse is one of the funniest things I’ve read in ages. I need this to be a made-for-television movie or something.

The figure relaxing in the tub before me is not a man at all, but a swirling ethereal manifestation of my suffocating existential dread. (loc 217)

I hate when that happens.

Verdict: This is currently my second favourite book in the world, right behind Foucault’s Pendulum.

review: Drop Bear Group Encounter

Title: Monsters Made Me Gay: Drop Bear Group Encounter

Author: Hank Wilder

drop bear drop bear brigade

Alternate Version: Violated by Monsters: The Drop Bear Brigade by Hannah Wilde

WhatWhat: Landon is working on a banana farm in Australia when the Drop Bears the locals had teased him about show up, seeking anal.

Money Quote:

There’s a joke that people tell you when you plan on visiting Australia, a completely unfounded piece of knowledge that’s been passed around like a rugby ball, or whatever it is that they play over there. (loc 1)

Truth be told, I am absolutely aching to cum right now, and as the drop bears begin to loo me up and down with their little black eyes, I begin to find myself overwhelmed by the flooding sensation of gay arousal. (loc 174)

Verdict: The protagonists of erotica are a hardy lot, able to spring from terror to arousal with barely a pause. In all seriousness though, I’ve heard of worse things happening in Australia, usually involving spiders.

review: Creamed in the Butt by my Handsome Living Corn

Title: Creamed in the Butt by my Handsome Living Corn

Author: Chuck Tingle

creamed in the butt

WhatWhat: Matthew McConneymay, a farmer attending the annual California Farming Convention, loses his heart (and ass) to a handsome ear of corn, jeopardizing both his current farming contract with the beets and his own future happiness.

Spoiler Alert: This doesn’t have a happy ending, and one of the quotes further down in this review gives away the hilarious tragedy.

Continue reading review: Creamed in the Butt by my Handsome Living Corn

review: Pharma Bro Pounded in the Butt by T-Rex Comedian Bill Murky…

Title: Pharma Bro Pounded in the Butt by T-Rex Comedian Bill Murky and a Clan of Triceratops Rappers Trying to Get Their Album Back

Author: Chuck Tingle

pharma bro

WhatWhat: “Pharma Bro” Marky Sharky has gotten rich by raising prices on prescription drugs and is now the most hated man in America. Thanks to an overlooked clause in the contract he signed, a group of dinosaur rappers (and comedian Bill Murky for some reason) show up on his doorstep for anal sex, and retrieve their one-of-a-kind album.

Does any of this sound familiar?

pharma-bro real
I bet a triceratops could wipe that smirk off his face.

Money Quotes:

Let’s get one thing straight, I don’t hate puppies and blind orphans, I just know that they will spend a lot of money to not be in constant, brain-melting pain. (loc 16)

I laughed out loud at several points in this book, but it would have made equal sense to cry at the realization that the real world is just as awful as the world of that sentence, except without any justice-dispensing dinosaur celebrities.

He takes his time while I look on in arousal and confusion. (loc 100)

That could easily be describing the relationship between Chuck Tingle and the reader.

It appears that the dinosaurs weren’t expecting such a quick and enthusiastic validation of their legally binding clause, but they quickly fall into step with my passionate blowjobs, placing scaly hands on the back of my head and helping to pump me up and down. (loc 192)

I’ll just leave that there for you to ponder.

Verdict: At some point over the past year, I’ve started viewing current events through a kind of Chuck Tingle filter. Oh, not the really serious events like terrorism or sexual assaults, but all the things that fall halfway between “news” and pop culture: that dress, identity issues, the war on Christmas stuff, the American election (I know: that ought to feel like a serious issue, but somehow it doesn’t), online dating debacles, that hunter….

And it’s not that Dr. Tingle has anything profound to add to these issues. Mostly he just offers a reassuring statement of what the liberal-leaning parts of the culture think anyway, but wrapped in a shell of ridiculousness and sex. But that shell is like a candy coating that makes our world slightly more palatable, at least for a little while. So thank you, Dr. Tingle. Thank you.