review: Putin on the Trump

Title: Putin on the Trump

Author: Chesty LaRue

putin on the trump

WhatWhat: A young Donald Trump experiences erotic humiliation at the hands of his college roommate, Vladimir Putin, and then after they’ve both risen to power they meet again. Beets are involved.

Money Quotes:

“I think…” and that accented sweet smelling most beautiful blue eyes Donald had ever seen wiped his brow caused his pectoral muscles to move in a way that fascinated him. (loc 27)

Uh, what?

The foreigner released his arm and held his gaze while walking away, disappearing behind a building. (34)

That’s an impressive lot of stuff to be going on simultaneously.

“Good capitalist,” said Vlad.

Vlad then forced a raw beet into Donald’s mouth. (loc 72)

And that’s the least disturbing thing that will happen to beets in this. Consider yourself warned.

Beet colored stars flashed before his eyes and Donald fell over onto their dorm floor a wet spot staining his pleated khakis. That was the first night Donald came in his pants eating his ass borscht with Vlad’s cum soup. It was not the last then. (loc 107)

I’d call that word salad except I’m pretty sure no one wants to picture salad right this minute.

When he won the primary he hoped to hear from his chilly lover. It was not until he won the election an anonymous number called his phone, the voice breathing heavily said, “Make borscht.” (loc 128)

So this is definitely dystopian fiction, then.

He begged to fist Vlad but Vlad said his hands were too small. (loc 149)

It’s not often I literally laugh out loud. Well done, author.

Verdict: Well. That’s another food I’ll never enjoy again. Quite honestly I can barely look the food pyramid in the eyes these days.

review: Slammed in the Butt by the Living Leftover Chocolate Chip Cookies from my Kitchen Cabinet

Title: Slammed in the Butt by the Living Chocolate Chip Cookies from my Kitchen Cabinet

Author: Chuck Tingle

slammed chocolate chip cookies

WhatWhat: Nick works the night shift at the local milk bar, and after a rough night dealing with unpleasant patrons, he’s pleased when the sentient chocolate chip cookies from his kitchen cabinet drop by to say hi and pound him up the arse.

Money Quotes:

Sure, every once in a while they’ll stop by and grab a quick drink of milk, but when I’m on the clock I don’t have much time to chat, especially in a milk bar as crowded as this one. I can barely get in a hug and make a bit of small talk, but the second this is over then it’s back to the grind, mixing up strawberry Quick and popping the caps off of ice cold chocolate milk in the glass bottle. (loc 13)

You know, in Australia milk bars are an actual thing, but not in the Tingleverse sense. They’re just corner stores, basically. I like his version better.

“It’s been a while,” my living cookie Shipple adds, “you stopped eating us last month and now I feel like we never see you.”

I roll my eyes. “I’m on a diet, you know this.”

“Well, we figured we would come to you instead,” Gorbot continues. (loc 67)

This raises so many horrible questions. Has Nick been eating sentient beings? Are these cookies destined to be killed and consumed later?

Of course, I’ll admit that there are times when I realize this feeling of love may be a little more sexually potent than I’d like to admit, but that kind of goes without saying when you consider the fact that we’re all pretty attractive and living in a post-college world where casual sex and hook ups with your own living food is the norm. (loc 78)

I’m so glad I’m married.

I don’t even fight it when my thoughts begin to drift into places where they shouldn’t, noticing how toned and muscular Shipple’s chips have gotten, or sitting a little too close to Gorbot and placing my hand on his crumbling, baked edge. (loc 162)

Verdict: More and more, I see Tingle’s work as an extended metaphor probing the plight of ordinary people who struggle to survive today’s economic uncertainty and insane political climate.

review: Creamed in the Butt by my Handsome Living Corn

Title: Creamed in the Butt by my Handsome Living Corn

Author: Chuck Tingle

creamed in the butt

WhatWhat: Matthew McConneymay, a farmer attending the annual California Farming Convention, loses his heart (and ass) to a handsome ear of corn, jeopardizing both his current farming contract with the beets and his own future happiness.

Spoiler Alert: This doesn’t have a happy ending, and one of the quotes further down in this review gives away the hilarious tragedy.

Continue reading review: Creamed in the Butt by my Handsome Living Corn

review: The Doctors and the Omega: Shifter Fertility Exam

Title: The Doctors and the Omega: Shifter Fertility Exam

Author: Canis Blackfang

the doctors and the omega

WhatWhat: Everett is desperate to come up with the rent money, and lucky for him he lives in dogfuck rapeworld the omegaverse, and he’s an omega, so all he has to do is participate in a fertility experiment. Yay?

I’m not going to lie to you: when I recently reviewed Night Shifter Nurses, I horrified various and sundry friends and family SO MUCH that I immediately vowed to inflict more Omegaverse on them, and Canis Blackfang has hands-down the best covers, titles, and pseudonym in that subcategory, so here we are.

Money Quotes:

I was no longer a virgin. An alpha had dumped his semen into my omega womb. (loc 219)

The receptionist had sounded normal enough on the phone, a female werewolf, but I still had this paranoia that I was about to get slain for my kidneys. (loc 91)

I guess “normal” is relative.

It reminded me of when I was younger, richer and still being chased by all the prospective alpha mates. I let out a small sigh. If only I hadn’t played hard to get so much I might be mated now to some rich alpha and not be in this mess. (loc 98)

I know “heteronormativity” probably isn’t the word I want to apply here, since this is m/m omega shifter erotica, but holy crap, that sounded like the marriage advice I’ve heard from cynical women of my grandmother’s generation.

Verdict: A few typos and a painful absence of the Oxford comma, but neither were enough to throw me out of the story. If Omegaverse fic is your thing, or medical kink, you’ll enjoy this. If “omegaverse” is just a funny-looking word and you don’t actually know what I’m talking about, think of it as “involuntary BDSM wolves” and try it anyway.

The fertility test, by the way? “You can tell by the taste,” apparently. (loc 152)

review: Slammed up the Butt by my Hot Coffee Boss

Title: Slammed up the Butt by my Hot Coffee Boss

Author: Chuck Tingle

slammed up the butt
This would go well with doughnuts.

WhatWhat: Sales have been lagging at Parkoon Lances, so Yonce Peppers has a new boss: Morcho Kibclaw. Morcho is a real bad ass, firing people left and right, and spilling himself over some woman who arrives late for a meeting. Also he’s a cup of coffee. Because of the laws of thermodynamics Morcho is also in constant need of heat input to keep from cooling down; because this is a Chuck Tingle story, the heat input takes the form of buttsex.

Of Course You Do:

I can’t help letting my breath catch in my throat, not expecting to be so enchanted by this man, not only because he is a cup of coffee, but because I consider myself to be totally straight. (loc 31)

It’s been years since I’ve taken geography, so for all I know this is true:

“It says here you’re from Florida, lance capital of the world.”

I shrug. “I know. It’s hard to believe, but I’ve just never understood the appeal. I’m more of a pitchfork or trident man myself, but I think that’s what makes me so good at this job. I truly understand the competition.” (loc 139)

Money Quote:

“What do you know about living coffee?” Asks Morcho.

This feels like a loaded question, so I tread carefully. “Well, I know that you’re brewed locally most of the time.”

Morcho nods.

“House blend?” I ask.

“Kona.” Morcho tells me. “But that’s very flattering.”

Verdict: I don’t want to spoil the ending, but I think Chuck Tingle may have invented a new kind of vore.

This has a callback to the chocolate milk cowboys, which I appreciate. Also the whole “lances as a viable business” thing reminds me of the examples in How Not to Write a Novel (which is one of my favourite books in the world, so I mean that as a compliment).

It’s a little strange to reflect on the number and variety of living foods that have shown up here. There’s this coffee, these Canadian coffees, doughnuts, and a gingerbread man. I have poutine, poutine, poutine, a spaghetti monster, and a cheesy puff. Sometimes I wonder if my reading habits are going to have long-term effects on me.

review: Humping the Hambandit

Title: Humping the Hambandit

Author: Leonard Delaney

humping the hambandit

WhatWhat: In a world where hamburgers have been made illegal, Emmy agrees to take part in a heist, and finds herself falling for one of the gang: the oddly attractive Hambandit. But crossing the McDonnell mob is dangerous business…

If you picture him like this it's a LITTLE less horrifying.
If you picture him like this it’s a LITTLE less horrifying.

Money Quotes:

“And that’s why I need your help,” said the Hambandit.

Captain Criminal, the famed sandwich pirate, stepped forward. “You have my sword.”

Two of the soft drinks from the Merry Meal Gang bowed. “And our straws,” they said in unison.

“And our potatoes, golden on the outside, soft and fluffy on the inside,” said a cardboard box full of french fries. (loc 81)

The big guy. Rumour was that he’d been in the burger-running game from the beginning, even before hamburgers became illegal. He was known by many names. The Man in the Big Red Shoes. The Dancing Clown. Ron. He used to be all right–an upstanding citizen, more or less. He even ran a house for sick kids, for Christ’s sake. Nobody knows what happened to turn him so rotten. (loc 137)

“Oh God. Robble robble. Robble robble!” he shouted. She pulled back before he could come. (loc 261)

“Easy, girl,” said the Colonel. “Now that’s better. Good girl, Wendy.” (loc 330)

Incidentally, that last quote (the one with Wendy) isn’t from a sex scene, but it was horrifying and hilarious in context.

Verdict: I made my husband do a junk food run before I read this, which is just as well, as I may never be able to eat a burger again.

This was BRILLIANT, and everyone should go read it right now. But it was disturbing as hell; I may be in therapy forever trying to come to terms with what happened to Grimmis, damn it.

There’s not actually a lot of sex in this, but that’s kind of a good thing, as the sex scene involves an unexpected and unsettling transformation (Emmy changes when she gets excited; I’m not spoiling things by saying more than that).

Is it just me, or is Canada seriously punching about its weight in the weird short erotica category? Leonard Delaney is a twisted, strange national treasure. He’s written the weirdest heist story ever, with kind of a mob-and-bootleggers flavour to it.

review: Shared by the Chocolate Milk Cowboys

Title: Shared by the Chocolate Milk Cowboys

Author: Chuck Tingle

“Choclate,” Chuck? Really?

WhatWhat: Entrusted with the task of delivering a mysterious wooden box from the president to Einstein, cowboy Billy Brucko is set upon by a glass of chocolate milk, who quickly splashes out two other chocolate milk cowboys. After the gunfight the dying Billy opens the box to discover a device that will propel him to an alternate, gayer timeline.

…What? It doesn’t matter how many times you reread that summary: it’s never going to make any more sense than that. Perhaps some quotations will help?

Money Quotes:

Slowly, I look up and see the barrel of my own weapon pointed straight down at me. Holding it steady is a large glass of chocolate milk. (loc 78)

“It is a place that we have come to know as the Tingle-verse. Use with great caution, the Tingle-verse is a strange and erotic place, but if we can find a way to harness its power, we could soon find true utopia. I invented it. Signed, President Borchatok.” (loc 115)

“Do you like that fat dairy dick?” The chocolate milk asks me in his deep, soulful voice. “Do you love it up your tight gay asshole?” (loc 224)

I cum harder than any being ever has, or ever will, and then literally become the universe, which is now made of abs. (loc 270)

Verdict: I’m still puzzling over President Borchatok. That name sounds totally Bigfoot to me, but surely if there’d been an American Bigfoot President I’d have heard about it. Unless maybe Billy’s original timeline is the weird one, and the Tingle-verse is our universe. It’s Chuck Tingle’s world, we just live in it? I may be over-thinking this.

Edited to add: My husband summed it up best: “I wish I could Nesquik you.”