review: Eight Bigfoot Buckaroos Hate my Butt and Pound It

Title: Eight Bigfoot Buckaroos Hate my Butt and Pound It

Author: Chuck Tingle

eight bigfoot buckaroos

WhatWhat: Porb’s butt is wanted for murder, and Porb is in the custody of bounty hunter Bip ‘Tight Butthole’ Rube. A winter storm forces them to take shelter in a cabin where six other Bigfoots are also staying; Porb’s butt is proven innocent, but pounded by the seven Bigfoots anyway.

Money Quotes:

Why would I rather be anywhere besides Denver? The answer is simple: After several false accusations against my butt, it has been tried for murder and sentenced to hang in the Denver town square. (loc 6)

As usual, my butt is wanted pounded or tight…(loc 22)

Verdict: I had no idea what this was in reference to until my husband drew my attention to The Hateful Eight.Yeah, I know, it’s THE SAME THING only the Tingleverse version has Bigfoots and group sex, so clearly I never have to see the movie now.

The questions I really wanted answered (“How exactly would a butt murder someone?” and “How would you hang a butt, and would the owner survive?”) never do get answered, alas.

review: Dan Bigfootzerian Parties in my Butthole with his Billionaire Lifestyle

If I’ve learned one thing from reading Chuck Tingle (and actually, I’ve learned SEVERAL), it’s that you can never take his titles too literally.

Title: Dan Bigfootzerian Parties in my Butthole with his Billionaire Lifestyle

Author: Chuck Tingle

dan bigfootzerian

WhatWhat: Pippy Kones is tired of his lower middle class lifestyle, struggling to pay the bills and distracting himself with reality television stars and their unattainable lifestyle. When billionaire Bigfoot playboy Dan Bigfootzerian asks fans to send him photos of their calves, Pippy’s are the best, so he gets whisked away to a life of luxury and gay sex.

Money Quotes:

Dan Bigfootzerian is a fascinating character, a modern day Gatsby with long, brown covering his entire body and a scent that is both musky and intriguing. (loc 159)

“I want you to be pounded by my billionaire lifestyle,” explains the monster, “I want you to know what it’s like to take thousands of dollars up your asshole. This is the way of all rich men and bigfeet.” (loc 285)

Verdict: This is either a profound meditation on the class system in America or…no, no, it’s that. I’m going with profound.

I have to say, though, I’m amazed Pippy can get it up after being called a “hunky buckaroo” (loc 210). You’d think that would wither even the most determined erection.

review: Pounded in the Butt by my Leaked Mashly Addison Data

I dearly wanted this one to feature a reality television hypocrite, but alas, you can’t have everything.

Dear Mr. Tingle: Could one of your next stories be about a billionaire politician named Tonald Drump?

Title: Pounded in the Butt by my Leaked Mashly Addison Data

Author: Chuck Tingle

mashly addison

WhatWhat: Senator Kurps Krimple has been cheating on his wife, Tilpa, with the help of website Mashly Addison. When data from the site is leaked he’s relieved but puzzled that his own information isn’t available, but then find out it’s walking around and wants to meet up…

Money Quotes:

I absolutely love my wife, but at this point she can’t satisfy me the way that a hunky, gay bigfoot can, and they are swarming Mashly Addison. (loc 31)

My data is loving every second of it, putting his binary hands on the back of my head and guiding me along, controlling the situation like only a confident, alpha cache could. (loc 221)

Verdict: This is a relatively straightforward entry in the Tingleverse. Or, possibly, my brain is just broken now and nothing seems odd anymore. That’s possible. But it’s a charming little cautionary tale (the ending is a bit of a warning to would-be cheaters), and I think “his unencrypted balls” (loc 275) is the most brilliant turn of phrase I’ve seen in a long while.

Warning, though: this is bundled with “Pounded by President Bigfoot,” so the Mashly Addison story ends at the 41% mark.

Reader beware, you’re in for a boner!

Remember how I once compared Chuck Tingle to R.L.Stine?  Actually I’ve done that more than once. Yikes. My uncle was right, I really am hellbound.

Anyway. I’m delighted to see Mr. Tingle agrees. Reader beware, you’re in for a boner! is such a good tag line. Again: I need this in paperback, please.

scary stories to tingle your butt

review: Big Primal Urges

Title: Big Primal Urges

Author: Whitney Woodbridge

big primal urges

WhatWhat: Julie and her boyfriend Andrew go on a camping trip, have sex several times without realizing they’re being watched by bigfoots (bigfeet?), and then Julie gets captured and forced into bigfoot sex.

Money Quotes:

It was late July in the Southern Ontario heat and Julie just couldn’t take it anymore. Her boyfriend, Andrew, had dragged her along to go camping somewhere north of Toronto and she had simply had enough of the heat, mosquitos, and lack of cell phone service. (loc 38)

Tied down in the middle of the forest with a bigfoot fingering her Julie began to cum. (loc 537)

Verdict: I’m not sure what this says about me, but I found the first part of this slightly tedious (though competently written). I’ve been on camping trips; I have loving, monogamous sex with my partner. I don’t need to read about either unless there’s some kind of tension or character development or plot advancement happening.

But then somewhere around the 70% mark, the bigfoot sex kicks in, and the story becomes interesting and really hot. It’s not that it was totally boring before—the Blair Witch-esque wooden structure and the baffled park rangers were entertaining, and there was nothing actually wrong with the sex and hiking scenes. I just found them notably less engrossing than the rest. The rest is fantastic.

review: Bigfoot, You ARE the Father!

Title: Bigfoot, You ARE the Father!

Author: Bytch Williams

bigfoot you are the father

WhatWhat: Denitra goes on the Murray Slobitch show to discover which of a set of monsters is the father of her baby. Flashbacks show how she hooked up with each, and in the present day she has two encounters with Murray Slobitch himself.

Money Quotes:

Denitra reached down and took its fat green member in her hand and started to stroke it. The chupacabra made a cooing sound at this, and began to stroke her pussy faster. (loc 102)

Before she could wrap her head around the idea that Tokoloshe, the famed water-spirit, was having its beastly way with her, she felt its thick cock press savagely against her asscheeks. (loc 236)

Verdict: Amusing, although definitely more firmly in the parody category than the erotic. A lot of fun to read, and also to inflict on other people.

review: Bigfoot Settlers Claim My Butthole

Title: Bigfoot Settlers Claim My Butthole

Author: Chuck Tingle

bigfoot settlers
For one Godawful moment I thought that was Wil Wheaton.

WhatWhat: Greg Peacher makes taffy, and since thanks to the New York State Flavor Laws the only legal flavours are chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla, his flavour experimentation leads him to head west in search of a less restrictive environment. His small town in Colorado fits the bill perfectly, until a group of rich bigfoots show up and start buying up property. They want to claim Greg’s butthole as well–so much they’re willing to ensure no restrictive flavour laws will ever be enacted in the county.

Money Quotes:

The mob got involved, and soon enough the candy black market was flooded with new and interesting flavors. Grape, cookie dough, even banana taffy was suddenly easy to find with the right price, and I was immediately hooked. (loc 12)

Even as a straight man, the first thing I notice is just how devilishly handsome these large, hairy creatures are, my breath literally catching in my throat…(loc 27)

He pulls out a handful of deep red tomato taffy. (loc 64)

“Listen, Greg, I know that it might be a lot for you to take in, but our company has done many studies on the value of one’s butthole. You could say we’re leaders in the field.” Explains Tord. “I know a valuable asshole when I see it.” (loc 135)

Verdict: I can’t shake the feeling that this must be part of that same universe where gay doughnuts have gone underground. Also, I really really want a box of these now.

Seriously, though, the world building is the most intriguing aspect of these. The sex gets a little repetitive: the human tries to go down on the [whatever], gags, perseveres until his nose is pressed against the [whatever]’s abs, then is anally penetrated, then double penetrated if there’s more than one [whatever], then comes while being buttfucked and is then coated in the [whatever]’s cum, much of which the human tries to swallow. But the weird little details like “the New York State Flavor Laws” are fascinating.