review: Slammed in the Butt by the Living Leftover Chocolate Chip Cookies from my Kitchen Cabinet

Title: Slammed in the Butt by the Living Chocolate Chip Cookies from my Kitchen Cabinet

Author: Chuck Tingle

slammed chocolate chip cookies

WhatWhat: Nick works the night shift at the local milk bar, and after a rough night dealing with unpleasant patrons, he’s pleased when the sentient chocolate chip cookies from his kitchen cabinet drop by to say hi and pound him up the arse.

Money Quotes:

Sure, every once in a while they’ll stop by and grab a quick drink of milk, but when I’m on the clock I don’t have much time to chat, especially in a milk bar as crowded as this one. I can barely get in a hug and make a bit of small talk, but the second this is over then it’s back to the grind, mixing up strawberry Quick and popping the caps off of ice cold chocolate milk in the glass bottle. (loc 13)

You know, in Australia milk bars are an actual thing, but not in the Tingleverse sense. They’re just corner stores, basically. I like his version better.

“It’s been a while,” my living cookie Shipple adds, “you stopped eating us last month and now I feel like we never see you.”

I roll my eyes. “I’m on a diet, you know this.”

“Well, we figured we would come to you instead,” Gorbot continues. (loc 67)

This raises so many horrible questions. Has Nick been eating sentient beings? Are these cookies destined to be killed and consumed later?

Of course, I’ll admit that there are times when I realize this feeling of love may be a little more sexually potent than I’d like to admit, but that kind of goes without saying when you consider the fact that we’re all pretty attractive and living in a post-college world where casual sex and hook ups with your own living food is the norm. (loc 78)

I’m so glad I’m married.

I don’t even fight it when my thoughts begin to drift into places where they shouldn’t, noticing how toned and muscular Shipple’s chips have gotten, or sitting a little too close to Gorbot and placing my hand on his crumbling, baked edge. (loc 162)

Verdict: More and more, I see Tingle’s work as an extended metaphor probing the plight of ordinary people who struggle to survive today’s economic uncertainty and insane political climate.

review: Taken Mini-Golfing

Title: Taken Mini-Golfing

Author: Countess von Fondle

taken mini golfing

WhatWhat: Amber Avery and Trevor Thor go mini-golfing, and she demonstrates her new skill at swallowing all seven flavours of the rainbow (that is to say, she’s learned how to choke down all of his enormous rainbow unicorn erection). But the perfidy of the press leads to a heartbreaking cliffhanger…

Money Quotes:

The first headlines had read Trevor Thor, Unicorn Billionaire, Dating Blonde-Haired, Green-Eyed Nobody. Now, the publications knew my name was Amber Avery and had given us the joint name Trevber. (loc 31)

Still more memorable than Anastasia Steele, then.

Who ever thought I’d meet a lesbian raptor sword swallower? (loc 68)

Yeah, that always seems so weird the first time.

My pussy clenched tight, and the ben-wa balls shot out of me like bullets. Somehow, I just knew they’d both landed neatly in the thirteenth hole. (loc 211)

Also a better SHOT than Anastasia Steele.

Verdict: OH NO, NO, NO. My favourite series has ended on a terrible cliffhanger. I was riveted as always, and charmed by little details of Amber’s background (such as her Aunt Stephanie’s children, bless them) and her relationship (“Unicorn sperm is a powerful hallucinogen,” apparently), and then green gummy bear showed up with his camera and I knew, I just knew, that things were about to turn tragic. And I was right. Now all I can do is hope that installment eight puts things to rights again, and that the whole thing emerges in paperback by early November, say, so I can get it to people for Christmas.

review: Ravaged by the Gingerbread Man

I’m reading this as a kind of palate cleanser, to recover from the SPAG errors in a lot of the self-pubbed erotica I read. Fannie Tucker is always entertaining and literate, so I went in with high expectations. (It’s a sad comment on my reading life that “Ravaged by the Gingerbread Man” can be described as a palate cleanser, but there you go.)

ravaged by the gingerbread man

Title: Ravaged by the Gingerbread Man

Author: Fannie Tucker

WhatWhat: Kara accidentally makes 100x more of a gingerbread recipe than she intended to, so with the extra dough she makes a giant gingerbread man to use as a window display; he comes to life and strange sex ensues.

Let’s Just straight-Out Ruin Your Childhood:

“Fuck, fuck, fuck! As hard as I can! I’m gonna pound you, I’m the gingerbread man!”

Quibble: I know fifteen minutes is loads of time to bake regular cookies, but wouldn’t a man-sized one take longer?

Money Quote:

…to savor the way his fat loaf felt when it rammed into her… (loc 154)

His fat loaf. Great, now I’ve been mentally scarred for life by a euphemism.

Verdict: Never trust a woman who intends to break your penis off and eat it (not in the fun way) before using you as window dressing. But seriously, this was amusing and strangely hot in spite of the nightmarishness, and now I’m hungry. It’s available on Kindle Unlimited, if you have that, and worth the cover price anyway. It ends at the 72% mark, though (location 212 of 302), and the rest of the pages are “about the author” and samples of other stories and so forth.