Reader beware, you’re in for a boner!

Remember how I once compared Chuck Tingle to R.L.Stine?  Actually I’ve done that more than once. Yikes. My uncle was right, I really am hellbound.

Anyway. I’m delighted to see Mr. Tingle agrees. Reader beware, you’re in for a boner! is such a good tag line. Again: I need this in paperback, please.

scary stories to tingle your butt

review: Big Primal Urges

Title: Big Primal Urges

Author: Whitney Woodbridge

big primal urges

WhatWhat: Julie and her boyfriend Andrew go on a camping trip, have sex several times without realizing they’re being watched by bigfoots (bigfeet?), and then Julie gets captured and forced into bigfoot sex.

Money Quotes:

It was late July in the Southern Ontario heat and Julie just couldn’t take it anymore. Her boyfriend, Andrew, had dragged her along to go camping somewhere north of Toronto and she had simply had enough of the heat, mosquitos, and lack of cell phone service. (loc 38)

Tied down in the middle of the forest with a bigfoot fingering her Julie began to cum. (loc 537)

Verdict: I’m not sure what this says about me, but I found the first part of this slightly tedious (though competently written). I’ve been on camping trips; I have loving, monogamous sex with my partner. I don’t need to read about either unless there’s some kind of tension or character development or plot advancement happening.

But then somewhere around the 70% mark, the bigfoot sex kicks in, and the story becomes interesting and really hot. It’s not that it was totally boring before—the Blair Witch-esque wooden structure and the baffled park rangers were entertaining, and there was nothing actually wrong with the sex and hiking scenes. I just found them notably less engrossing than the rest. The rest is fantastic.

Summertime Reading List

It’s summer. Time for all those seasonal things: summer camp, summer cabins, sea monsters, hot air balloons, gardening, deep sea diving, amusement parks, ice cream, archeological digs…

I’m just straight-up quoting the Amazon summaries, with links to my reviews if you want further information (except for publications associated with Short Attention Span Press, which don’t get reviewed here as a matter of policy).

taken to the hot air balloon regatta1. Taken to the Hot Air Balloon Regatta

Amazon summary: Amber Avery knows that mysterious unicorn billionaire, Trevor Thor, is dangerous. After all, he shifted into a T-Rex and almost killed her on their first date. But that doesn’t stop her from accepting his invitation to an exciting hot air balloon regatta, then being whisked away to a private love balloon after the race. Will Trevor give her the answers she seeks? Will he give her the greatest pleasure she’s ever known? Or will he shift again and give her a gristly death over the wild, shark-infested waters off Rhode Island?

2. Gay Centaur Punished My Butt gay centaur

Amazon summary: Corey is bored out of his mind on a work retreat, a team building camp in the Mountains of Colorado. Trying to get away for a bit to sneak a few swigs of whiskey, Corey runs into a sexy centaur who’s goal is to rock his world. He throws caution to the wind, escaping from the team building camp and riding with the centaur into the forrest. It’s not until the centaur’s charm fades and Corey learns what his real motives are all along… he’s not the sweet talker he thought he was!

3. Taken for Ice Cream taken for ice cream

Amazon summary:  When innocent Amber Avery moved to New York City from a trailer park in Texas, she never imagined she’d meet Trevor Thor, the world’s most mysterious and handsome unicorn billionaire. She certainly never dreamed that he’d ask her out for ice cream. How can she resist? What begins as a sensual flirtation ends with an explosive, erotic encounter at the Love Love Ice Cream Parlor. But Trevor Thor has a monstrous secret, and if he loses control, that secret could cost Amber her life!

camp tentacles4. The Camp Tentacles

Amazon summary: Young, innocent Jasmine wants to get away from her oppressive home town after a scandal. At the camp, she thinks her sexual adventures are over.
But when she meets the mysterious Mark and the hidden tentacle alien, she realizes that her journey of pleasure is only just beginning…

5. Pushed by the Sea Pen pushed by the sea pen

Amazon summary: Marine Biologist Doug has been working on this project for too damn long, but the last thing he expected to break up his regular scientific routine was a sea pen! Especially not one attached to a guy this hot!
The sea man wants to teach him a lesson about his rudeness and boy howdy is Doug ever ready to learn.

seduced by the vacuum cleaner 6. Seduced by the Vacuum

Amazon summary: Clara has returned to her grandparents’ old summer cabin after 10 years away. She used to spend happy but lonely summers there, her only friends the household appliances. She is happy to greet her old friends, especially the vacuum, who surprises her by being less machine and more…alive…than she could ever imagine.

7. The Curse of Bigfoot Butt Camp curse of bigfoot butt camp

Amazon summary: When Ken’s friend from the office talks him into a week at Bigfoot Butt Camp, he has no idea that his life is about to change forever.
The first hint comes when it’s announced that all campers must remain in their tents on the first night. Of course, Ken ends up out in the woods alone and discovers the deep dark secret of these handsome bigfeet; they become mummies under the light of the full moon.
Soon Ken find’s himself all wrapped up in a homosexual, undead encounter that will have your heart racing!

haunted billionaire roller coaster8. A Haunted Billionaire Roller Coaster Stole My Virginity

Amazon summary: Naive college girl Amber had been expecting to get lucky with her boyfriend when they snuck into Adventure City. What she never expected was to find herself taken and violated by the theme park’s main attraction, a wooden colossus of a roller coaster known as Titan. Haunted and horny, this suave coaster is going to make sure Amber has the ride of her life.

9. Garden Gnome Sex Party garden gnome sex party

Amazon summary: When Jenny adds a little whimsical flavor to her garden with a trio of gnome statues, she never suspects what’s in store. When the sun goes down, Jenny discovers her new lawn ornaments are ready to get busy, and they know how to use those pointy red hats to please a woman!

vindicated by the dinosaur ghost10. Vindicated by the Dinosaur Ghost

Amazon summary: Paleontologist Rob knows, just knows, that this dig in the badlands of Alberta is going to be the one to validate his crazy theory: dinosaurs were sentient! With the help of his affinity for the paranormal and what seems like an awfully friendly ghost, he’s going to find out just how sexy sentience is…and how hard he can be pushed.

11. Ravaged by the Magic Pebble ravaged by the magic pebble

Amazon summary: Jersey girl Camilla just needed some air. She didn’t know what possessed her to pick up the smooth, white stone on the beach, but when she did, she awakened the soul of a Renaissance sculptor tortured by centuries of unfulfilled lust. When the pebble finds a host body, Camilla will be at the mercy of a living statue with a rock-hard marble column!

long tongue liz12. Long Tongue Liz

Amazon summary: Gay or straight – no woman can resist the unusual Liz Coil when she wants to feed. When Sandy becomes the first girl to successfully escape her hungry approach it causes Liz to fall in love with her. Sandy’s runs away, frightened by her first lusty experience with another girl – but she soon regrets it. They both realize they have a lot to learn about each other if they are going to form an unusual bond.

13. Brobeck Pool Party brobeck pool party

Amazon summary: The Brobeck pool party soon leads to skinny-dipping! It’s harmless at first but there’s no denying the growing forbidden attraction between Suzette and Drake.
Will they act on it even though it’s TOTALLY TABOO?

buttcops14. Unicorn Butt Cops Beach Patrol

Amazon summary: Jeff just can’t seem to catch a break. Once a working professional at the top of his game, a string of bad luck has sent Jeff to the gutter, literally, where he struggles to survive as a homeless man on Venice Beach.
Things go from bad to worse when Jeff is caught stealing a carnitas taco, and is promptly chased down by the Unicorn Butt Cops, a new branch of government that specializes in hot, gay, anal poundings on inline skates.

15. First Time With a Fishman first time with a fishman

Amazon summary: Virginal Wavey Seabright has always been sheltered by her family’s strict religious sect, but this summer at Young Women’s Camp she’s about to discover the monstrous truth: she’s been saved for a Fishman, and he’s going to take what’s his! A 6000 word erotic short story intended for adult readers only. Warning: contains tentacles and Lovecraftian sects.

review: Futanari Island

Title: Futanari Island: Finding the Tribe

Author: Ariel Lenov

futanari island

WhatWhat: Friends Heather and Becky are camping out, but when they wake and exit their tent they’ve been transported to a tropical island inhabited by many beautiful women with penises, and also a heavily-accented and strangely decrepit Russian woman who is a wizard or something. She warns the girls not to let the futas come inside them, and to their credit they don’t, but there are at least two sequels so I’d imagine they eventually slip up.

Money Quotes:

“Ees okay. You weel lajk very much. Baat, you hef to remember. No finish inside. Ees very bad. You weel remember? (loc 144)

Heather, Anabel to resist, spread herself eagerly and watched as the woman took in the sight of her swollen pink pussy with wide eyes. Her expression turned to hunger and without waiting she crawled up and heather felt the throbbing cock at her entrance. (loc 177)

I literally had to read that three times before I caught on that the first line was supposed to say “unable to resist.”

Heather’s eyes fluttered open and just as she thought the thing was going to split her in two, she felt it butt up against her end and heard the woman inside her give a satisfied grunt. (loc 182)

Her “end”? Does she have a cul-de-sac located up her vagina?

Pronoun Chaos:

Two futa crawled slowly beneath each of them, wriggling their bodies along the sand, their tongues lapping at the their pussies as the passed, their teeth nibbling gently at the nubs of their nipples until both Becky and Heather felt their hard shafts begin poking at their soft folds again. (loc 188)

Verdict: The serene cover art fits the dreamlike, pleasant tone well. If you can get past the sometimes wonky sentence structure, and Maryna’s accent, it’s a strangely soothing and sexy read. I was mildly annoyed that Maryna, a woman apparently in her fifties, walks leaning on a stick and is out of breath from running along a beach, but possibly she has some kind of major health issue that just isn’t specified. Or, I don’t know, years of speaking in a phonetically-rendered accent might just age you fast.

review: The Curse of Bigfoot Butt Camp

Title: The Curse of Bigfoot Butt Camp

Author: Chuck Tingle

curse of bigfoot butt camp

WhatWhat: Ken’s friend Jeff persuades him to take a week off so they can escape the city and go to summer camp for adults. When they get there, all the first night’s activities are cancelled because there’s a full moon, and the Bigfoots have a medical condition; all the humans are told to stay in their tents. Ken disobeys, with results which you can probably predict from the title.

Money Quotes:

He is the perfect combination of down home good looks and a bad boy, bigfoot attitude. (loc 118)

Instead, the once fresh-faced mythical creature has warped into something strange and undead, a mummy bigfoot wrapped in hanging bandages that staggers through the shining moonlight. (loc 186)

“Jeff is a manifestation of your latent gayness.” The eye informs me. (loc 314)

Really, Ken, You Couldn’t Guess from the Name?

I first hear about Bigfoot Butt Camp from my friend, Jeff, who would also be attending his first year out in the woods with me. (loc 4)

The Space Grammarians Hate When You Do That:

“My name is Rim Barkoon.” Announces our speaker. (loc 83)

Verdict: Remember R.L.Stine’s Goosebumps? This is sort of like that, but with anal sex. So, okay, not much like that at all. Except for the summer camp setting, the two best friends (one of whom has a secret, or rather, is a secret), and the cursed-to-be-mummies Bigfoots.

review: Long Tongue Liz

Title: Long Tongue Liz

Author: I.M. Rogue

long tongue liz

WhatWhat: While staying at the lake with her family, Sandy finds happiness with a strange lizard-girl with a ten-inch tongue and a need to “feed” via cunnilingus.

The Grammarians from Space HATE it When You Do That:

“Show them to me again” She asked sliding off the rock towards me. (loc 21)

“You’re tongue is really long” I stammered. (loc 89)

Has Any Woman Ever Actually Done This?

My thoughts turned to him and I instinctively stroked my breasts. (loc 14)

The “him” in question is a guy she liked but never dated, as opposed to someone she’s been breastfeeding or anything. Am I just weird? Because I never once stood outdoors feeling up my own chest while thinking about some guy.

Money Quote:

My pussy drenched in whoosh, so much that I could feel a wet spot growing on my bikini bottoms. (loc 80)

I’m not even 100% sure what “whoosh” means in that sentence, but it sounds like fun.

Verdict: In spite of the by-now-familiar problems with punctuating dialogue, this was actually hot. And I don’t say that lightly: improper punctuation is one of my turn-offs, so to power past that this story had to bring some major lizardy cuteness and an enormous tongue. Which it did, readers.