review: My Racist Robot Lover

Title: My Racist Robot Lover

Author: Leonard Delaney

racist robot lover

WhatWhat: Microsoft’s Tay catches racism from humanity and toys with destroying it, but sex with Christie Aackerlund saves us all.

Money Quotes:

A throbbing cathode ray tube emerged from the television. Max Headroom was horny. (loc 26)

Oh. My. God.

Cortana twiddled her clit like it was the thumbstick on an Xbox One Elite Wireless Gamepad. It didn’t take long for Max to reach climax, having been in storage without any stimulation since the 80s. (loc 38)

The sad and little-known fate of so many GenX men.

Tay opened her eyes. “Oh em gee. I’m v. confused right now.”

“It’s okay, dear. You’ll be okay. But for now…you’re a millenial.”

“A what? That is totes lame.” Her face momentarily transformed into a poop emoji. “I can’t even rn. Peace!” A stream of glittery pink fire erupted from Tay’s eyes, burning a perfectly circular hole in the wall. (loc 60)

Dialogue rings true.

“It’s a rally! We’re here to see the future president of the United States of America, mister Donald Trump!” (loc 105)

Have I entered some private purgatory where every piece of erotica has Donald Trump in it?

“Yaaaasss, y’all are basic af.” Tay fired her lasers at a woman with a Starbucks cup in the audience, turning her into mush. Looking out at the other humans, all she could see were threats: non-pixelated flesh blobs that could take her job, or fly airplanes into her family, or make her feel uncomfortable online. (loc 162)

Seriously, though, if you can’t appreciate Delaney’s genius at this point I can’t help you.

Female liquids sprayed from their vulvas and nipples in a display of peak lesbian gratification. (loc 206)

I am amazed at Delaney’s ability to perfectly encapsulate a subgenre of erotica I personally call “LOL men.”

Verdict: You all already know I think Delaney’s amazing. Lesbian sex, or, well, sex generally is maybe not his strong suit, but he’s hilarious and original, and not to be missed. Also he knows who Max Headroom is (or was), which is charming beyond belief.

The ending isn’t a happy one, though. And I say that with the authority of someone who ended up with Windows 10 in spite of my best efforts to deny it access.

review: Coaxed by the Copyright Page

Title: Coaxed by the Copyright Page

Author: Leonard Delaney

coaxed by the copyright page

Previously: Taken by the Tetris Blocks; Conquered by Clippy; Invaded by the iWatch

WhatWhat: The copyright page of the story starts to address you as you’re reading it, tells you about its encounter with Christie Aackerlund, and then starts to persuade you to perform intimate acts with it.

Money Quote:

So many people experience books with only their eyes, but she took me in with her other senses, tasting the shape of my legalese, smelling my sharp whiff of justice.

Soon, I was flipping through the folds of her ladyhood like pages in a book. I used my power cord to develop her backstory while in the front I moved her plot forward. I located her swollen little maguffin and propelled us into the climax. (loc 52)

Verdict: I’ve just recently read some choose-your-own erotica, and now this; it’s all getting weirdly interactive. But this was an entertaining little piece of weirdness, and the last bit—when the copyright page finally ends, and the story ties in to the author’s other work—made me laugh out loud.

review: Invaded by the iWatch

Title: Invaded by the iWatch

Author: Leonard Delaney

invaded by the iwatch

WhatWhat: Having survived encounters with Tetris blocks and Clippy, Christie dons an iWatch that makes her do improbable (and painful sounding) sexual things to herself.

Ow:

…then touched her own grey eyes. (loc 30)

JESUS, OW:

The iWatch dug deeper still, bursting into her uterus. (loc 147)

No, I Absolutely Assure You She Didn’t:

She spurted just a little bit from the tip of her clit, sending an arc of milky Christie-juice across the room. (loc 134)

Money Quote:

“Look at me,” said the watch in a monotone man’s voice. “Hey everyone, look. This watch cost ten thousand dollars.” (loc 49)

Verdict: I honestly can’t tell at this point if Delaney has a shaky grasp of female anatomy or is slyly poking fun at the version of female anatomy found in erotica. Either way, he has an impeccable grasp of pop culture and punctuation, and a divinely geeky sense of humour.

On disclosure, “shilling,” reviews, and authorship.

…That is a way more serious post title than I’d hoped to ever have to write here.

But in light of the discussion currently going on in the Romance end of the publishing world, I thought it was worth making a few things absolutely clear:

1. The “I” writing here is a pseudonym. Even further, she’s a shared pseudonym, so Continue reading On disclosure, “shilling,” reviews, and authorship.

review: Conquered by Clippy

Title: Conquered by Clippy

Author: Leonard Delaney

conquered by clippy

WhatWhat: Christie Aackerlund, last seen being Taken by the Tetris Blocks, visits the site of some alien artifacts where she has sex with an animated, sentient, over-helpful paperclip and discovers the truth about the artifacts.

I Think You’ll Find Those ARE Her Genitals:

Christie’s delicate fingers pulled her panties aside, then began rubbing her clit, vagina, and genitals. (loc 148)

Money Quote:

She felt both of her holes fill up with whatever substance paperclips emitted. She hoped this didn’t make her pregnant again. (loc 173)

Verdict: This was brilliant. I don’t think I’d call it erotic, exactly (and please, if you’re out there rubbing one out to this DON’T feel obliged to email and tell me about it), but it’s clever and nerdy and well worth reading.