review: My Racist Robot Lover

Title: My Racist Robot Lover

Author: Leonard Delaney

racist robot lover

WhatWhat: Microsoft’s Tay catches racism from humanity and toys with destroying it, but sex with Christie Aackerlund saves us all.

Money Quotes:

A throbbing cathode ray tube emerged from the television. Max Headroom was horny. (loc 26)

Oh. My. God.

Cortana twiddled her clit like it was the thumbstick on an Xbox One Elite Wireless Gamepad. It didn’t take long for Max to reach climax, having been in storage without any stimulation since the 80s. (loc 38)

The sad and little-known fate of so many GenX men.

Tay opened her eyes. “Oh em gee. I’m v. confused right now.”

“It’s okay, dear. You’ll be okay. But for now…you’re a millenial.”

“A what? That is totes lame.” Her face momentarily transformed into a poop emoji. “I can’t even rn. Peace!” A stream of glittery pink fire erupted from Tay’s eyes, burning a perfectly circular hole in the wall. (loc 60)

Dialogue rings true.

“It’s a rally! We’re here to see the future president of the United States of America, mister Donald Trump!” (loc 105)

Have I entered some private purgatory where every piece of erotica has Donald Trump in it?

“Yaaaasss, y’all are basic af.” Tay fired her lasers at a woman with a Starbucks cup in the audience, turning her into mush. Looking out at the other humans, all she could see were threats: non-pixelated flesh blobs that could take her job, or fly airplanes into her family, or make her feel uncomfortable online. (loc 162)

Seriously, though, if you can’t appreciate Delaney’s genius at this point I can’t help you.

Female liquids sprayed from their vulvas and nipples in a display of peak lesbian gratification. (loc 206)

I am amazed at Delaney’s ability to perfectly encapsulate a subgenre of erotica I personally call “LOL men.”

Verdict: You all already know I think Delaney’s amazing. Lesbian sex, or, well, sex generally is maybe not his strong suit, but he’s hilarious and original, and not to be missed. Also he knows who Max Headroom is (or was), which is charming beyond belief.

The ending isn’t a happy one, though. And I say that with the authority of someone who ended up with Windows 10 in spite of my best efforts to deny it access.

(update) review: Rammed by the Reviews for this Book

Observant readers will note  that I’ve already reviewed this book. But because this book morphs in response to reviews, an update is required.

rammed by the reviews

Title: Rammed by the Reviews for this Book

Author: Leonard Delaney

Money Quote:

“A raptor, like in the name of the blog,” the review said in its sultry, Canadian-accented voice. It stretched itself out, growing until it was the size of a duck. It made whirring sounds when it moved, as if, under the scaled skin, razor-sharp teeth, and hooked claws, it was a mechanized machine inside. (loc 163)

This is the second time I’ve appeared in erotic fiction in raptor form (the first was courtesy of Chuck Tingle). It’s doing interesting things to my self-image.

Just to clarify: I do, in fact, have a sultry Canadian voice. Sometimes it’s Ontario-ish and sometimes it’s Newfoundland-esque, but it’s always dead erotic.

Verdict: Dialogue rings true (for me anyway, I can’t speak for the other reviewer who has also been immortalized), and this was insane amounts of fun to read. I mean, my husband may require therapy to recover, but even he agrees that was an amazing, disturbing bedtime read.

Seriously, don’t miss your chance: go leave a review at Amazon or somewhere so you can experience the thrill of inclusion in what is surely our era’s signature art form.

Also, as a fellow Canadian Mr. Delaney is probably particularly appreciative of whatever coins get tossed his way. Our dollar is steadily sinking into the depths; we’re talking sub-sub-basement levels. If you can afford to support kindle authors, please do. They’re generally a decent group of people. I personally just bought five hard copies of The Pop Culture Value Combo (reviews to follow), four of which I shall bestow on unsuspecting friends, who I encourage to respond with gifts of chocolate and/or restraining orders.

review: Big Primal Urges

Title: Big Primal Urges

Author: Whitney Woodbridge

big primal urges

WhatWhat: Julie and her boyfriend Andrew go on a camping trip, have sex several times without realizing they’re being watched by bigfoots (bigfeet?), and then Julie gets captured and forced into bigfoot sex.

Money Quotes:

It was late July in the Southern Ontario heat and Julie just couldn’t take it anymore. Her boyfriend, Andrew, had dragged her along to go camping somewhere north of Toronto and she had simply had enough of the heat, mosquitos, and lack of cell phone service. (loc 38)

Tied down in the middle of the forest with a bigfoot fingering her Julie began to cum. (loc 537)

Verdict: I’m not sure what this says about me, but I found the first part of this slightly tedious (though competently written). I’ve been on camping trips; I have loving, monogamous sex with my partner. I don’t need to read about either unless there’s some kind of tension or character development or plot advancement happening.

But then somewhere around the 70% mark, the bigfoot sex kicks in, and the story becomes interesting and really hot. It’s not that it was totally boring before—the Blair Witch-esque wooden structure and the baffled park rangers were entertaining, and there was nothing actually wrong with the sex and hiking scenes. I just found them notably less engrossing than the rest. The rest is fantastic.

review: Coaxed by the Copyright Page

Title: Coaxed by the Copyright Page

Author: Leonard Delaney

coaxed by the copyright page

Previously: Taken by the Tetris Blocks; Conquered by Clippy; Invaded by the iWatch

WhatWhat: The copyright page of the story starts to address you as you’re reading it, tells you about its encounter with Christie Aackerlund, and then starts to persuade you to perform intimate acts with it.

Money Quote:

So many people experience books with only their eyes, but she took me in with her other senses, tasting the shape of my legalese, smelling my sharp whiff of justice.

Soon, I was flipping through the folds of her ladyhood like pages in a book. I used my power cord to develop her backstory while in the front I moved her plot forward. I located her swollen little maguffin and propelled us into the climax. (loc 52)

Verdict: I’ve just recently read some choose-your-own erotica, and now this; it’s all getting weirdly interactive. But this was an entertaining little piece of weirdness, and the last bit—when the copyright page finally ends, and the story ties in to the author’s other work—made me laugh out loud.

Beaver Banged my Butt; also, Canadian Reading List

In a burst of Canadian pride, I wrote this:

beaver banged my buttI can’t review it, because I wrote it, so I’ll just mention that you can read it for free if you have Kindle Unlimited, and move swiftly on to things I have reviewed.

coaxed by the copyright pageOkay, I haven’t yet reviewed Leonard Delaney’s Coaxed by the Copyright Page, but I have read it, and a review should appear soon. In the meantime, I do have reviews for Humping the Hambandit, Invaded by the iWatch, Conquered by Clippy, and Taken by the Tetris Blocks.

in the grip of the alpha poutineFrom Twisty McCox we have Pushed by the Sea Pen, Vindicated by the Dinosaur Ghost, In the Grip of the Alpha Poutine, Punished by the Alpha Poutine, and For the Pleasure of the Alpha Poutine. Damn it, now I’m hungry.

big primal urgesI haven’t posted a review of this yet either, but I just discovered Big Primal Urges, which is Bigfoot erotica set north of Toronto.

Double Teamed by the Double Double
Double Teamed by the Double Double

I can’t review this one, because it’s by one of my associates, but Double Teamed by the Double Double is self-evidently Canadian as well.

review: Pushed by the Sea Pen

Title: Pushed by the Sea Pen

Author: Twisty McCox

pushed by the sea penWhatWhat: Doug is a marine biologist, which is why he’s deep sea diving. He touches a sea pen, and it’s been so long since he’s had sex that he thinks inappropriate things about it. Back on shore, he’s confronted by a grey and green sea monster thing, sea pen jutting out; Doug’s touch aroused him, and now he’s demanding satisfaction.

Money Quotes:

“Jesus, I need to get laid,” he thought to himself, shaking his head as he reached out absently to touch a sea pen that had rooted itself in a rock a little ways from the rest of the colony. “Stop creeping on the marine life.” The pen puffed up as his fingers dragged across it, standing straighter than it had been before. (loc 29)

“What are you going to do about this?” the hallucination informed him, gesturing very specifically at the sea pen jutting from the conjunction of his hips. (loc 53)

Verdict: It disturbs the hell out of me that this was arousing to read. Twisty McCox is a national treasure.

review: Humping the Hambandit

Title: Humping the Hambandit

Author: Leonard Delaney

humping the hambandit

WhatWhat: In a world where hamburgers have been made illegal, Emmy agrees to take part in a heist, and finds herself falling for one of the gang: the oddly attractive Hambandit. But crossing the McDonnell mob is dangerous business…

If you picture him like this it's a LITTLE less horrifying.
If you picture him like this it’s a LITTLE less horrifying.

Money Quotes:

“And that’s why I need your help,” said the Hambandit.

Captain Criminal, the famed sandwich pirate, stepped forward. “You have my sword.”

Two of the soft drinks from the Merry Meal Gang bowed. “And our straws,” they said in unison.

“And our potatoes, golden on the outside, soft and fluffy on the inside,” said a cardboard box full of french fries. (loc 81)

The big guy. Rumour was that he’d been in the burger-running game from the beginning, even before hamburgers became illegal. He was known by many names. The Man in the Big Red Shoes. The Dancing Clown. Ron. He used to be all right–an upstanding citizen, more or less. He even ran a house for sick kids, for Christ’s sake. Nobody knows what happened to turn him so rotten. (loc 137)

“Oh God. Robble robble. Robble robble!” he shouted. She pulled back before he could come. (loc 261)

“Easy, girl,” said the Colonel. “Now that’s better. Good girl, Wendy.” (loc 330)

Incidentally, that last quote (the one with Wendy) isn’t from a sex scene, but it was horrifying and hilarious in context.

Verdict: I made my husband do a junk food run before I read this, which is just as well, as I may never be able to eat a burger again.

This was BRILLIANT, and everyone should go read it right now. But it was disturbing as hell; I may be in therapy forever trying to come to terms with what happened to Grimmis, damn it.

There’s not actually a lot of sex in this, but that’s kind of a good thing, as the sex scene involves an unexpected and unsettling transformation (Emmy changes when she gets excited; I’m not spoiling things by saying more than that).

Is it just me, or is Canada seriously punching about its weight in the weird short erotica category? Leonard Delaney is a twisted, strange national treasure. He’s written the weirdest heist story ever, with kind of a mob-and-bootleggers flavour to it.