review: I Turned the Mummy Gay!

Title: I Turned the Mummy Gay!

Author: V. L. Vance

i turned the mummy gay

WhatWhat: Irresistible-to-men monster hunter Logan is in Egypt, following up on rumours that a mummy has been “seeding” women.

Money Quotes:

Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. (loc 2)

Thank God we’ve cleared that up.

A giant obelisk laid in the center of the group, pointing into the sky like a giant cock waiting to be mounted by Titan. The thought of cock brought my mind back to my current situation, and the talented mouth working my pole from the passenger seat. (loc 22)

Really? So you’d totally forgotten you were getting a blowjob until the sight of an obelisk among the pyramids reminded you of cock?

A group of women claimed to have been attacked and seeded by the creature, who left them with some sort of (they assumed) demonic creatures. (loc 39)

That’s one of those cases where even a really good ultrasound can’t help.

The mummy was also tenting, the rotting bandages around his crotch parting easily and exposing the grey flesh of his rotting cock beneath. (loc 188)

There’s an unforgettable image.

His royal seed at one time was the most prized seed in all of Egypt, and I felt pride at having my ass filled with his Egyptian treasure. (loc 254)

Verdict: Definitely a worthy entry in this series.

review: I Turned Frankenstein’s Monster Gay!

Title: I Turned Frankenstein’s Monster Gay!

Author: V. L. Vance

frankenstein's monster

WhatWhat: This is a seeding story, which means it’s as close to being mpreg as anything can be without being mpreg. As promised during the gill-man installment, I went back to find the “origin story,” such as it is. Logan’s trying to invent a serum that will make straight men fancy him. It explodes all over him, and then he has to go seduce Frankenstein’s monster. Typical day at the lab, really.

Money Quotes:

“It’s alive! It’s alive!” the small, dwarfish man across the table from me screamed, his hands in the air.

“No, he’s not,” I said, pointing at the slumped figure on the table. “It was just a reaction from electric shock. Are you sure you guys are scientists?” (loc 21)

I love a good IT’S ALIVE! scene.

“Igor hungry!” the small dwarf said from his new place on a stool near the wall. “Igor eat!”

“Igor needs not to speak in the third person,” I said, rolling my eyes for probably the tenth time today. (loc 31)

Is there any chance that next year we could get V.L.Vance nominated for a Hugo or something?

Soon his cock was swelling even farther in my mouth. I moaned as he exploded, his batter coating my tonsils like they were a batch of sliced apples begging for a warm brown sugar glaze. (loc 142)

That’s Dr. Frankenstein’s cock, if you were wondering.

“Yes, please, breed me, give me your monster seed. I need it!” (loc 250)

Verdict: I’m devouring these like b-movie flavoured candy. You think that’s not a flavour? It is: it tastes like drive-in movie popcorn and bonfire-roasted marshmallows on the beach and a little bit like coconut oil and sweat.

review: I Turned the Gill-Man Gay!

Title: I Turned the Gill-Man Gay!

Author: V. L. Vance

gill-man gay

WhatWhat: A lab mishap has made Logan irresistible to all men, and if you can’t see how that would be useful on his current mission to capture the gill-man, you haven’t read enough monster erotica. Shame on you.

Money Quotes:

My name is Logan Faraday. After a lab mishap that ended in a minor explosion, men now find me irresistible. Gay and straight alike. Guys just go gay for me. (loc 25)

Clearly I’m going to have to go back and read the first story so I can find out more about this lab mishap.

“The woman said he dragged her to his fishy lair and pumped her full of his slimy seed.” (loc 53)

Sounds like a Tinder date gone badly wrong.

Hanging between its legs was a scaly, long, thick cock, with an angry-looking darker blue cockhead. As it watched us, its cock began to harden. I was already having an effect on it–soon it would be trying to ravage me sexually. (loc 182)

Verdict: From the moment I saw the exclamation point in the title, I knew this was going to be some quality literature. I was not disappointed (though honestly I think Gill-Man’s Girl has a slight edge in terms of the classic-monster-movie vibe of its plot). I actually am a little gillsexual, and I love all homages to B movies, so I enjoyed this enormously.

review: Gill Man’s Girl

Title: Gill Man’s Girl

Author: Carolina Connor

gill man's girl

WhatWhat: To fast-track her way into grad school, undergraduate Lita Lawrence agrees to a field trip of sorts to the Amazon. One plane crash later she’s stranded next to some horny amphibians, and one of them has his eyes on her.

Money Quotes:

Goo covered her lower extremities and her arms from the elbows down. It was slimy, a dark gray-green color, about the consistency of egg whites. When she put some effort into it, she pulled one hand free with a sucking thonk sound, and then the other. The substance resembled slime the eels in the area secreted. (loc 28)

I’m not personally slimesexual, but I do own cosmetics made out of snail gel, so I empathize a little with this situation.

She itched and scratched her legs and arms. Dry, scaly skin–psoriasis–magnificent; apparently a reaction to the slime. (loc 69)

This is an important plot point.

And Bobby, bless his heart, was as opportunistic as the piranha. And hearly as bitey. Which was ironic considering he had part of one ear missing from a dog attack. (loc 76)

Bobby is Professor Moreno’s assistant. Bobby’s missing ear, and Moreno’s bow ties, are important details for reasons I won’t give away because really, you should read this one yourself.

His huge hands went to her shorts, the claws from his ‘thumbs’ ripping the seams with a flick, tearing them apart. She was breathing heavily, but she didn’t think it was from fear. (loc 136)

This is that vital missing scene from Creature from the Black Lagoon.

She would never be able to be with another man, she was pretty sure about that. They would all be compared to a river creature that no one else would believe existed. (loc 209)

Verdict: NGL, I adore each and every classic movie monster, particularly sea/swamp/Black Lagoon style ones. As a result of my huge fin-boner, this story could have gone horribly wrong from me, although the pitch-perfect 50’s-lightheartedness of the title raised my hopes very high.

I was not disappointed. Oh, there were some tiny SPAG errors, but this was generally well-written. It was campy and delightful and sexy, and it had a plot, with a shocking reveal at the end and everything. I am in love.

review: Riddled by the Sphinx

Title: Riddled by the Sphinx

Series: The Janus Key Chronicles

Author: Alana Melos

The expression on that camel's face says it all.
The expression on that camel’s face says it all.

WhatWhat: Twins Dirk and Debbie Gudgeon are still being tossed between worlds for the amusement of Janus. This time they end up in a world similar to Ancient Egypt, only with a live, horny sphinx. You can guess where this is going. Yes: straight to Dirk’s Valley of the Kings.

Money Quotes:

“How do you even know that anyway?”

“…Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual, first edition,” he admitted, a little shamefully. (loc 378)

He lavished the dick with attention, worshipping it, and worshipping the sphinx as he did so. (loc 526)

Dragged. An.

They obeyed their master, and drug and unwilling Debbie towards the center of the room where the deep fire pit lay. (loc 391)

Verdict: This is an entertaining series that gets better with each installment, and the twins try to figure out what’s happening to them (what’s happening to them overall, I mean, with the key; what’s happening to them in each episode is pretty clear to all involved). Also I feel an affinity for Dick now that I know he owns a classic Monster Manual. Respect.

review: The Black Masquerade

Title: Your Erotic Story: The Black Masquerade

Author: Celestia Dew

black masquerade

WhatWhat: A second-person choose-your-own-ending erotica, in which the main choices lead to werewolf sex or vampire sex (although I somehow managed to get killed by a succubus the first time I played).

Money quote:

Everyone looks perfectly average—you’re pretty sure one of the masked and tuxedoed men is your mailman but assume it would be rude to ask. (loc 36)

Verdict: It was hard to choose a “money quote” for this one, because the whole experience is lush and evocative, and no one snippet quite captures it. From the engraved invitation through the mechanics of arrival at the Black Masquerade to the non-human guests, the details are exquisite.

review: The Curse of Bigfoot Butt Camp

Title: The Curse of Bigfoot Butt Camp

Author: Chuck Tingle

curse of bigfoot butt camp

WhatWhat: Ken’s friend Jeff persuades him to take a week off so they can escape the city and go to summer camp for adults. When they get there, all the first night’s activities are cancelled because there’s a full moon, and the Bigfoots have a medical condition; all the humans are told to stay in their tents. Ken disobeys, with results which you can probably predict from the title.

Money Quotes:

He is the perfect combination of down home good looks and a bad boy, bigfoot attitude. (loc 118)

Instead, the once fresh-faced mythical creature has warped into something strange and undead, a mummy bigfoot wrapped in hanging bandages that staggers through the shining moonlight. (loc 186)

“Jeff is a manifestation of your latent gayness.” The eye informs me. (loc 314)

Really, Ken, You Couldn’t Guess from the Name?

I first hear about Bigfoot Butt Camp from my friend, Jeff, who would also be attending his first year out in the woods with me. (loc 4)

The Space Grammarians Hate When You Do That:

“My name is Rim Barkoon.” Announces our speaker. (loc 83)

Verdict: Remember R.L.Stine’s Goosebumps? This is sort of like that, but with anal sex. So, okay, not much like that at all. Except for the summer camp setting, the two best friends (one of whom has a secret, or rather, is a secret), and the cursed-to-be-mummies Bigfoots.