review: I Turned the Gill-Man Gay!

Title: I Turned the Gill-Man Gay!

Author: V. L. Vance

gill-man gay

WhatWhat: A lab mishap has made Logan irresistible to all men, and if you can’t see how that would be useful on his current mission to capture the gill-man, you haven’t read enough monster erotica. Shame on you.

Money Quotes:

My name is Logan Faraday. After a lab mishap that ended in a minor explosion, men now find me irresistible. Gay and straight alike. Guys just go gay for me. (loc 25)

Clearly I’m going to have to go back and read the first story so I can find out more about this lab mishap.

“The woman said he dragged her to his fishy lair and pumped her full of his slimy seed.” (loc 53)

Sounds like a Tinder date gone badly wrong.

Hanging between its legs was a scaly, long, thick cock, with an angry-looking darker blue cockhead. As it watched us, its cock began to harden. I was already having an effect on it–soon it would be trying to ravage me sexually. (loc 182)

Verdict: From the moment I saw the exclamation point in the title, I knew this was going to be some quality literature. I was not disappointed (though honestly I think Gill-Man’s Girl has a slight edge in terms of the classic-monster-movie vibe of its plot). I actually am a little gillsexual, and I love all homages to B movies, so I enjoyed this enormously.

review: Gill Man’s Girl

Title: Gill Man’s Girl

Author: Carolina Connor

gill man's girl

WhatWhat: To fast-track her way into grad school, undergraduate Lita Lawrence agrees to a field trip of sorts to the Amazon. One plane crash later she’s stranded next to some horny amphibians, and one of them has his eyes on her.

Money Quotes:

Goo covered her lower extremities and her arms from the elbows down. It was slimy, a dark gray-green color, about the consistency of egg whites. When she put some effort into it, she pulled one hand free with a sucking thonk sound, and then the other. The substance resembled slime the eels in the area secreted. (loc 28)

I’m not personally slimesexual, but I do own cosmetics made out of snail gel, so I empathize a little with this situation.

She itched and scratched her legs and arms. Dry, scaly skin–psoriasis–magnificent; apparently a reaction to the slime. (loc 69)

This is an important plot point.

And Bobby, bless his heart, was as opportunistic as the piranha. And hearly as bitey. Which was ironic considering he had part of one ear missing from a dog attack. (loc 76)

Bobby is Professor Moreno’s assistant. Bobby’s missing ear, and Moreno’s bow ties, are important details for reasons I won’t give away because really, you should read this one yourself.

His huge hands went to her shorts, the claws from his ‘thumbs’ ripping the seams with a flick, tearing them apart. She was breathing heavily, but she didn’t think it was from fear. (loc 136)

This is that vital missing scene from Creature from the Black Lagoon.

She would never be able to be with another man, she was pretty sure about that. They would all be compared to a river creature that no one else would believe existed. (loc 209)

Verdict: NGL, I adore each and every classic movie monster, particularly sea/swamp/Black Lagoon style ones. As a result of my huge fin-boner, this story could have gone horribly wrong from me, although the pitch-perfect 50’s-lightheartedness of the title raised my hopes very high.

I was not disappointed. Oh, there were some tiny SPAG errors, but this was generally well-written. It was campy and delightful and sexy, and it had a plot, with a shocking reveal at the end and everything. I am in love.

review: Vicky’s Little Friend

Title: Vicky’s Little Friend (Back to Bimbo 2)

Author: Eric Stray

vicky's little friend

WhatWhat: Apparently Vicky used to be a brilliant inventor, but then she invented a machine that de-aged her and made her perpetually horny and more than a little dim. Now she’s hot for the girl across the street, Gabrielle, and persuades her to step into the machine…

Money Quotes:

The petite teen bucked her hips and gave a muffled moan. The sound would’ve filled the room if not for the fact that Vicky loved to suck her thumb while she played with herself. (loc 11)

Instead she was short and adorable, trapped inside the body that puberty skipped. (loc 17)

“It’s just these nails! They’re like, super hot, but it’s sooo hard to rub my clit just right with em!” the woman said, with a giggle. (loc 434)

As she stepped slowly into the room, the bimbo started groping her breasts openly in front of her. “Gawd, I can feel them getting bigger…I totally couldn’t help myself. It feels just so good when my titties grow.” (loc 441)

Verdict: I’m not sure what to make of this. I picked it up expecting it to be an ageplay story. The cover is pink! There’s a teddy bear! But it’s actually a bimbofication story, and I don’t even know enough about those to judge if it’s a good one. I did enjoy Gabrielle (newly de-aged and dumbed down) wistfully going through the bag of little-kid clothes she’d been meaning to through out, loving them all over again. Everyone in this is so wet all the time it’s like a Biblical flood, though, and Vicky’s former lab assistant is now a huge-breasted moron, which I found more disturbing than erotic.

review: Rammed by the Reviews for This Book

I have a confession to make before this even gets underway: I used to be seriously into ARGs. I haven’t suddenly turned pirate; I mean Alternate Reality Games, aka “the next terrible step when you’ve grown up with D&D.” So I was all over this book, because it’s about damned time things on my Kindle started changing and reacting to input from players. Readers. Whatever.

Title: Rammed by the Reviews for This Book

Author: Leonard Delaney

rammed by the reviews

WhatWhat: Christie Aackerlund, last seen in the grasp of a sea monster, is bored in its underground palace and starts writing Kindleporn. I’ve been there, Christie. Well, not the sea monster part. But the book is interactive, so she can’t get off until you-the-reader makes the next move…

Money Quotes:

She sighed, blowing a strand of her lava-red hair out of her granite-grey eyes. (loc 80)

I’m a sucker for books that know they’re books, and for all authorial nods to the conventions of their subgenre. Delaney has my number. In the colloquial sense, not literally.

She leaned back and, with a quiet hiss, her vagina opened wide. (loc 115)

Possibly Delaney is confusing “vagina” with “doorway on the Starship Enterprise” here. I’ve met guys who’d probably be capable of that mistake.

Verdict: It’s difficult to reach any conclusion here (which, coincidentally, is exactly what’s happening to the heroine), but I eagerly await the outcome of the author’s latest experiment in erotic fiction.

review: Fondled by the Flying Dutchman

Title: Fondled by the Flying Dutchman

Author: Cassidy Beach

fondled by the flying dutchman

WhatWhat: Tiffany Wong’s marriage to a jackass social-media billionaire ends badly, and to pay him back for his infidelity, she fucks the entire ghostly crew of the Flying Dutchman, plus the ship itself.

Money Quotes:

He named his 70-foot yacht Chick Magnet, which I probably should have taken as a red flag. Instead, I just told him it was funny. Some of my friends told me they’d heard he was a skeeve, but what did they know? I was the one who was married to the guy. (loc 67)

Oh Honey, no.

I went over to the helm and looked at the ship’s wheel. It was huge and wooden and had spokes all around it. When I went up to touch it, all the spokes magically transformed into cocks. (loc 156)

Verdict: This is another Cassidy Beach story where the setup and backstory is more memorable than the sex (okay, almost: that thing with the ship’s wheel is pretty damned unforgettable, as is the lesbian figurehead). This author has a talent for writing lousy boyfriends and then providing the satisfying spectacle of a woman using sex to get over them.

review: Tamed by his Tentacles

Title: Tamed by his Tentacles

Author: Cassidy Beach

tamed by his tentacles

WhatWhat: Marie’s marriage to Rusty has turned out to be a disappointment, to put it mildly, so she goes away for the weekend with her sexy fried Trisha and then meets a handsome, horny octopus.

Money Quotes:

He swept me right off my feet. I couldn’t help myself. I met up with him after his shift was over, he got me drunk and then we made love in his truck. (loc 11)

(Don’t worry, that’s the abusive husband, not the muscular stud of an octopus. The octopus doesn’t drive a truck.)

On Friday afternoon after her work, Trisha came and picked me up in her pink Cabriolet convertible. (loc 84)

barbie cabriolet

I had been captured by a giant octopus! A giant octopus must have seen me standing naked in my window and wanted me. (loc 166)

It’s nice that her self-esteem’s still intact. Not everyone would so confidently leap to the assumption that the octopus wanted them. Mind you, it is touching her nipples at this point, so it’s not an entirely unwarranted assumption.

I felt so bashful being in the nude and surrounded by other octopuses…(loc 179)

Verdict: I’m developing a pronounced fondness for Cassidy Beach. I downloaded her stuff in the first place because it was summer (as it still is, at least for a little while), and…I really like seasonally-themed reading, okay? Even when it comes to erotica. All her covers feature improbably-angled Mermen or Tentacles or whatever: perfect beach reading.

Now that I’ve read a few, I’ve come to appreciate her way with backstory. The situations and characters are more elaborate than you’d expect from short-form erotica, and they’re hilarious and perfect. I’m definitely going to work my way through the rest of these.

review: Seduced by the Shark

Title: Seduced by the Shark

Author: Emanuelle Lovecraft

seduced by the shark

WhatWhat: South African surfer Johannes Kristoffsen gets dragged deep underwater by an enormous shark, which turns out to be a Tikoloshe: a shape shifter. In his megalodon form he prowls the ocean, trying to protect it from humans, but he needs back-up, so he turns Johannes. And by “turns” I mean “has anal sex with in order to turn him into another megalodon,” because of course I do.

Money Quotes:

The grinning man had sharp, jagged white teeth and completely black eyes, even the sclera, giving him a distinct alien cast. (loc 95)

That is both striking and absolutely freaking terrifying. Not that I disapprove: I like my shifters with a bit of an edge. (I also like my vampires frightening and non-sparkling, just for the record.)

If this was to be the last fuck of his life, he might as well enjoy it even if it was with a man. (loc 141)

Verdict: Both terrifying and erotic, and manages to make shifter porn fresh by using Zulu mythology. There are more by this author, and I’ll definitely be checking them out.