review: Space Raptor Butt Redemption

Title: Space Raptor Butt Redemption

Author: Chuck Tingle

space raptor butt redemption

WhatWhat: Astronaut Lance Tanner, last seen in the Hugo-nominated Space Raptor Butt Invasion, stands trial. The charge is being too weird for space, and the lawyer argues that a serious, historical institution like space travel can’t be associated with Lance and his raptor lover Orion. Worse yet, Lance’s mission was funded by Scoundrels Inc., and even though he didn’t know that he’s somehow guilty by association. But a demonstration for the courts wins Lance his freedom and his raptor.

Money Quotes:

I am world-renowned astronaut, Lance Tanner of the Earth Outpost Program, sanctioned with the unequivocally important role of searching out planets that could one day be inhabitable for human life as Earth becomes more and more toxic. (loc 20)

So Lance’s Earth, much like the real one, is drowning in dangerous levels of toxic smug?

“I don’t support bad guys,” I try to say as clearly as I possibly can.

The reporter just stares at me blankly. “So you’re not going to come out against them?” (loc 66)

Lance is basically being subject to a level of bad faith argument rarely seen outside of Twitter. It’s a dark day in the Tingleverse.

It takes a long night of working with helpful friends to translate my words into something that sounds even the slightest bit like a speech fit for a courtroom. (loc 78)

I feel like I’ve had a glimpse at the author’s process.

“Okay,” I counter, “but did you ever think that something could be dumb…and good?”

There is more chatter from the jury box.

The lawyer laughs. “Ha! In space stuff? Not a chance, space is for smart people.”

“Maybe that’s why nobody likes it enough to get a rocket off the ground,” I offer. “You know Chuck Buckarooski once said ‘An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way, and artist says a hard thing in a simple way.'”(loc 152)

You will never convince me that the Bukowski-quoting Chuck Tingle doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing.

“Have you ever heard of Andy Kaufm–” I start but the lawyer interjects. (loc 159)

The performance artist? Why yes, I have. Up on this layer there was a movie made about him, called Man on the Moon. He was entirely unlike any other performer, and a lot of people disliked that about him.

“So you’re telling me that you would rather just not go into space at all?” I ask, suddenly much more upset than I expected to be and in an entirely different way. “The core of the earth is dying because of these guys, right? The fate of the planet is up to astronauts exploring new worlds and inspiring others to do the same, and your answer is just to burn it all to the ground because my version of sace is not serious enough for you?”

“It was funded by Scoundrels Inc,” the lawyer repeats like a skipping record. “You wouldn’t have been up there in the first place if it wasn’t for Scoundrels Inc.” (loc 207)

 

pronouns
I’ve never seen the “tsk” sound more clearly illustrated.

When assholes are assholes you don’t react by shutting it all down and doing half their work for them, you react by finding joy in the darkness. (loc 242)

Verdict: I’M NOT CRYING. YOU’RE CRYING.

 

recap: Space Raptor Butt Invasion

Okay, so obviously this is a thing that has to happen. Instead of our regular quick-and-dirty reviews, this is a slightly more detailed recap of HUGO AWARD NOMINEE CHUCK TINGLE’S HUGO-AWARD-NOMINATED Space Raptor Butt Invasion.

I can’t even explain how happy it makes me to type that.

space raptor butt invasion

The story opens with some deft set-up and some less-deft mispunctuated dialogue:

“It’s gonna be a long year for you up here.” My fellow astronaut, Officer Pike, says. (loc 6)

I like to think that Pike’s name is a Star Trek shout-out. Anyway, our narrator (Lance) is being left behind IN SPACE on Zorbus to spend a year manning the outpost alone, as part of the Earth Outreach Program. They usually work in teams, but due to budget cuts the Small station on Zorbus will only have Lance.

Lance is unconvinced his sacrifice is worth it.

“I know you’re right, but what is it helping to have me just sit out here like this. We already know that there’s not enough oxygen on thei rock to sustain life.

Pike smiles. “But there could be! There is hope and you know it.” (loc 27)

I don’t understand how hope fits in here, but that’s probably exactly the sort of scientific stuff that the people who usually vote on the Hugos are all over. I mean, they can probably appreciate this stuff on a whole other level than I can. The upshot is, Earth is only going to be inhabitable for ten more years, even with population control.

Lance gestures to a window, which is an excuse to show us some scenery. I won’t bother quoting, but basically its grey and hilly and space-ish.

Pike reminds him that other people have it worse. People always do that to me when I complain, too, and it never actually helps much. But Lance is shocked out of feeling sorry for himself:

“You know it could be much worse.” Pike offers. “In station sixteen on Kerlin they don’t even have a gravity drive.” (loc 36)

Lance invites Pike to play one last game of ping pong, but just then Shuttle Five Alpha arrives and Pike has to leave right fucking then, no delays. He offers an ominous warning before he leaves:

“All joking aside,” he says. “Don’t think too hard out here, stay light.”

I give Pike a strange look, not quite fully understanding what he means.

“Space can get a little strange.” Pike tells me. “People can start seeing things…” He trails off. “Anyway, just take care of yourself.”

Lance sets out to cross “the hills of space dust” (loc 82), and to his surprise spots a space suit wearing figure next to “our perpetually worthless terraforming station.” (loc 82)

The figure mounts its vehicle, which from the cover art appears to be a Space Segway, and vanishes into the distance.

Vance wonders if he’s hallucinating. Once he’s safely back inside the main station he asks the computer, but it confirms he’s alone and will be for a year. Lance falls asleep on the couch, still perplexed.

I awaken to the sound of a loud knocking on the hatch door, and then sit upright in a frantic moment of confusion. (loc 111)

At first he thinks it’s Pike, but then he remembers he’s all alone. IN SPACE.This is quite obviously an allusion to Fredric Brown’s Knock, and proves Tingle’s work not only has literary merit but also an awareness of science fiction canon, as befits a Hugo nominee.

Lance walks over to the hatch, identifies himself as Lance Tanner of the Earth Outpost Program, and lets the visitor in. Lance is a badass in the tradition of Captain Kirk, and he’s also going to fuck whatever’s out there, in the tradition of Captain Kirk.

Perplexingly, the stranger laughs at the mention of Earth, as though he’s heard of it before. DUN DUN DUN.

The three-fingered stranger introduces himself as Orion, and then removes his helmet.

There beneath the tinted glass is the smiling face of a voracious velociraptor, one of the most feared dinosaurs to ever roam the earth. (loc 146)

The raptor says that he was told that Zorbus was uninhabitable, and when Lance asks who told him we get this shocking reply:

“The raptor scientists back on Earth Two.” The prehistoric beast responds flatly.(loc 146)

Okay wait. If the dinosaurs fled Earth, why is this one speaking English and calling its planet Earth Two? Weren’t they long gone before humans, English, and the word Earth? Is this a subtle clue that the dino is, in fact, hallucinatory?

Orion chuckles over the theory that dinosaurs died in “some kind of ice age,” calling that “revisionist history.” (loc 159)

He confesses that he, too, is all alone IN SPACE and Lance suggests they hang out together.

They play ping pong. I’ve visited CalTech and JPL and I found this part entirely believable.

Over the next few days Lance comes to see Orion as a sweet and gentle soul, and also starts to feel attracted to him.

Our difference in species surely couldn’t classify me as gay, could it? (loc 183)

Things come to a head, as it were, one night after they’ve been playing ping pong and eating astronaut ice cream. Lance asks if Orion has ever wanted to try sex with a human.

“Yeah, I mean, who hasn’t?” Orion offers. “The thing is, I’m a pretty big dinosaur and human women are just to delicate. I would probably crush one if I tried.” (loc 192)

Lance makes the obvious suggestion, and Orion counters that he’d have to top. Lance double checks on the implications:

“I mean, it’s not gay if it’s a dude raptor and a dude human, right?” I ask.

“Totally not gay.” (loc 203)

With that out of the way they get down to it.

“I am a filthy little human.” I repeat, coyly, then pull down the waistband of his space briefs and remove Orion’s enormous raptor rod. I grip it tightly and then start to pump my firm grip up and down over his length. (loc 217)

Are you sure this isn’t a little bit gay?

Now without a limit to his dominating deep throat, Orion pushes me down until my head is pressed deep into his lap, my eyes and nose forced up against his rock hard reptile abs. (loc 237)

Long-time Tingleversophiles will already be aware of the significance of abs.

“Pound me like the homo spaceboy that I am.” I beg. (loc 244)

I know they said this wasn’t homo but you have to appreciate the character development for what it is.

“I’m the one who decides who gets fucked around here.” He says, slapping me hard on the ass. (loc 244)

Dude, there are literally only two of you here. That’s not much of a decision.

“Oh fuck, you’re the best dinosaur bud a guy could ask for.” I whimper. (loc 255)

“So you’re going to take my Jurassic load up your asshole and you’re gonna like it.” (loc 292)

“Please fill me with your nasty dino load!” I cry out. “I want your jizz inside of me!” (lol 303)

After some sex and sparkling dialogue, Lance decides that his year on Zorbus isn’t going to be so bad after all.

Questions for Book Club:

  1. The first rule of Book Club is don’t talk about Book Club. That’s not a question.
  2. Bearing in mind the importance of population control in this futuristic scenario, what do you think is the relevance of Lance’s discovery of the joys of buttsex?
  3. Read over Pike’s warning to Lance. Does the appearance of a comma in the first dialogue tag here signify anything? Could the entire dinosaur thing be a product of Lance’s imagination? What details support the idea that it’s all hallucinatory?
  4. So is Zorbus inhabitable or not?

 

review: This American Butt Hosted by Ira Ass

Once again I had to have an American friend explain the reference to me.

Title: This American Butt Hosted by Ira Ass

Author: Chuck Tingle

this american butt

WhatWhat: Jols Dorp, longtime fan of “This American Butt,” wins the program’s cutest butt contest and gets up close and personal with stegosaurus host Ira Ass.

Money Quotes:

When you live on the edge of town but work in the city, the daily commute just becomes part of your existence. You’re not bothered by insane amounts of traffic because, in a sense, traffic becomes you. (loc 1)

That’s arguably the most depressing intro to a piece of erotica I’ve ever read. It does nicely set up the main character’s interest in the podcast, though.

Of course, Ira Ass is a stegosaurus, which gives his voice a certain reptilian edge, but I’ve heard plenty of dinosaur speakers in the past and none of them quite fall into this exact category. (loc 31)

Friends I consulted who are familiar with the our-world equivalent assured me this rings true.

I drop my pants and turn around, holding out my camera phone behind me and struggling to find the best angle of my cute, muscular ass. (loc 55)

I bet in the Tingleverse there’s a popular social media site called Facebutt.

…grabbing my small carry on bag and taking off down the isle…(loc 66)

No.

Besides, it’s not gay if it’s between a dinosaur radio host and a human man, especially if it’s in the context of a radio contest. (loc 125)

Well, I can’t argue with that.

“Shove that dinosaur radio host cock up into my asshole.” (loc 193)

Verdict:  I enjoyed it as a commentary on present day society, but I suspect you have to have heard the radio show to truly appreciate the erotic aspect.

review: Trump Temptations: The Billionaire and the Bellboy

Title: Trump Temptations: The Billionaire and the Bellboy

(or possibly Trump Temptation: The Billionaire and the Bellboy. It depends on whether you’re looking at the book cover or the Amazon listing.)

Author: Elijah Daniel

trump temptations

WhatWhat: Exactly what it says on the tin.

Money Quotes:

I was stacking someone’s tacky luggage when the door behind me swept opened. My loins trembled as the scent of toupee adhesive and spray tan swept through my nasal cavity. (loc 24)

“I need you to bring these bags up to my room.” He said sternly, like a grandfather upset that a news broadcast interrupted Jeopardy. (loc 35)

Damn it, every time the Space Grammarians try to enjoy their retirement some new writer who can’t punctuate dialogue pops up and summons them back to action.

He could have me immediately had me fired for this, but he didn’t. Instead, he smiled and continued to hop on the elevator. What is happening? Am I losing my mind? (loc 41)

No, you’re losing control of your tenses. It’s not pretty, but it can be cured.

The only thing I knew was that I wanted to ride the elevator to the top of his Trump Tower. He moved closer, putting his cold, dead lips on my neck. I shivered with excitement. His hands felt like an old dried out gingerbread house. I was in love. (loc 104)

Verdict: I wanted to love this. I almost did. But most of the jokes, when you get right down to it, are merely making fun of someone for being old and unattractive, and the sex scene ended before there was any actual sex. The author’s note at the beginning is among the best I’ve ever read, though. Spoiler alert: Trump is a dinosaur in this. I know two stories don’t make a subgenre, but….I’m totally calling it: Political Dinosaur Erotica is an emerging subgenre.

review: Dinosaur Magicians Pinn and Tucker Make Their Wieners Disappear in my Butt

Title: Dinosaur Magicians Pinn and Tucker Make Their Wieners Disappear in my Butt

Author: Chuck Tingle

dinosaur magicians

WhatWhat: Arriving in Los Vegas with his friend and fellow party bro Shibs Bark, Larb sees a billboard and finds himself overwhelmed by (and this is a quote from the blurb) “gay attraction to these handsome dinosaur entertainers.” A private showing makes all his previously-unheld fantasies come true.

Money Quotes:

“You now have a magic dinosaur dick inside of you,” Pinn informs me. (loc 214)

I bet you never thought “what happens in Vegas” covered situations like that one.

Never could I have imagined that I would one day find myself in this situation, furiously sucking off two of the greatest dinosaur magicians on earth and loving every second of it. (loc 254)

Yes. Well. Never could I have imagined myself reviewing it, yet here we all are.

Verdict: I’m not entirely sure what to make of this one. Sure, it’s a “suddenly gay!” group sex scenario with dinosaurs and a happily-ever-after, but beyond that I’m unclear. Is this part of a new story arc? A one-off? Part of the ripped-from-the-headlines hyper-reality commentary? I don’t know how to categorize it.

I’m probably overthinking this, right?

review: Pharma Bro Pounded in the Butt by T-Rex Comedian Bill Murky…

Title: Pharma Bro Pounded in the Butt by T-Rex Comedian Bill Murky and a Clan of Triceratops Rappers Trying to Get Their Album Back

Author: Chuck Tingle

pharma bro

WhatWhat: “Pharma Bro” Marky Sharky has gotten rich by raising prices on prescription drugs and is now the most hated man in America. Thanks to an overlooked clause in the contract he signed, a group of dinosaur rappers (and comedian Bill Murky for some reason) show up on his doorstep for anal sex, and retrieve their one-of-a-kind album.

Does any of this sound familiar?

pharma-bro real
I bet a triceratops could wipe that smirk off his face.

Money Quotes:

Let’s get one thing straight, I don’t hate puppies and blind orphans, I just know that they will spend a lot of money to not be in constant, brain-melting pain. (loc 16)

I laughed out loud at several points in this book, but it would have made equal sense to cry at the realization that the real world is just as awful as the world of that sentence, except without any justice-dispensing dinosaur celebrities.

He takes his time while I look on in arousal and confusion. (loc 100)

That could easily be describing the relationship between Chuck Tingle and the reader.

It appears that the dinosaurs weren’t expecting such a quick and enthusiastic validation of their legally binding clause, but they quickly fall into step with my passionate blowjobs, placing scaly hands on the back of my head and helping to pump me up and down. (loc 192)

I’ll just leave that there for you to ponder.

Verdict: At some point over the past year, I’ve started viewing current events through a kind of Chuck Tingle filter. Oh, not the really serious events like terrorism or sexual assaults, but all the things that fall halfway between “news” and pop culture: that dress, identity issues, the war on Christmas stuff, the American election (I know: that ought to feel like a serious issue, but somehow it doesn’t), online dating debacles, that hunter….

And it’s not that Dr. Tingle has anything profound to add to these issues. Mostly he just offers a reassuring statement of what the liberal-leaning parts of the culture think anyway, but wrapped in a shell of ridiculousness and sex. But that shell is like a candy coating that makes our world slightly more palatable, at least for a little while. So thank you, Dr. Tingle. Thank you.