review: Adam Gets Adopted

I’m not sure what it says about the world (or my life) that I’m now significantly less wary of wading into the ABDL stacks than the politi-porn.

adam-gets-adopted

Title: Adam Gets Adopted

Author: Kimberley Clarke

WhatWhat: Suddenly orphaned at the age seventeen, now eighteen-year-old Adam answers an ad to be “adopted” by a loving couple. Does this sound familiar? Kind of.

Money Quotes:

Here’s something sad about me: my parents died in a car accident when I was seventeen. There. I’ve said it. It’s best to get these things out of the way first. (loc32)

As I cried, I lost control of my bladder totally, giving in to my powerful emotions. Piss flooded my diaper, unleashed freely from me. I curled up in a ball on the ground and carried on peeing. Amazingly, my butt did not stay damp for long. The diapers were so good that I could feel the moisture being drawn away from me. (loc 185)

I bet somewhere out there there’s an adult-diaper review blog.

This story contains ageplay/ABDL themes, a grown woman getting cleaned, milk-drinking, and graphic scenes of a sexual Adamure. (loc 240)

You may be wondering, “What is a sexual Adamure?”

An Adamure, dear reader, is what happens when you find-and-replace the name “Nat” with “Adam” throughout your manuscript. In the original blurb, those were graphic scenes of a sexual nature.

Verdict: Aside from the faint hilarity caused by find-and-replace, this was well-written and smooth. If you like your adult babies male, I assume you’ll enjoy this.

review: Gay Cult

Remember how I discovered there were twenty-seven of those “taken by the men who raised me” stories? I’ve made a terrifying, fascinating discovery.

Title: Gay Cult: Pounded by the Men Who Raised Me

Author: Andy Paigeman

gay cult

WhatWhat: To quote the Amazon description, “It’s been five years since Kenneth left behind his gay sex cult past,” only can one ever REALLY leave behind one’s gay sex cult past?  No, reader: one cannot. So Kenneth ends up being fucked by a bunch of the older guys from the cult compound.

Money Quotes:

As far as I was aware, all kids grew up attending morning religious rituals like snake handling and fire walking. (loc 12)

This cult has a really wide range of interests.

Unfortunately, I left the church right before my twentieth birthday, which is just before the first sexual ritual takes place, so I don’t exactly know for myself.

Of course, the step father and step uncle aspect of these sexual encounters also rubs a lot of people the wrong way, and understandably so, but that never bothered me all that much thanks mostly to the fact that the older men at the church happen to be incredibly handsome. Sure, they are older men, but they wear it well and stay exceptionally fit by taking part in various chores around the compound. (loc 34)

Yeah, see…I don’t think most people’s objections to ritualized sex with their stepfather hinges on whether or not he’s good looking.

“Hello Kenneth.” Peter says. “Welcome back to the Gay Garden. May the vines fill your soul with light and love.”

“May the vines fill your soul with light and love.” The group of handsome older men repeats in unison. (loc 148)

Oh, come on. That is not how you punctuate dialogue tags or how you do foreplay. I love that the cult compound is called the Gay Garden, though.

“Are you ready to receive the vines?” (loc 148)

Guess what the vines are? Yes, their penises. No, I’m not kidding.

“Do you all want to fuck me at the same time?” I ask seductively in a voice that barely feels like my own. “Do you want to take me in my tight twink asshole?” (loc 158)

The reason your voice barely feels like your own, Kenneth, is because you’re obviously using Chuck Tingle’s voice right about now.

Lost in a sea of frantic gay lust, I take my step father’s massive dick and shove it down my throat as far as I can, gag reflex be damned. Somehow, I manage to loosen up enough to take Peter all the way into the depths of my neck, his entire length consumed as his balls hang on my chin and his abs press hard against my face. (loc 183)

Verdict: This raises some deep questions, not least of which is, why do women get “taken” and men get “pounded”? Are gay sex cults really a thing? Are there twenty-seven of these, too? I’m honestly scared to go look.

This is so Tingle-esque as to be amazing, dear reader. It’s all here: gay lust; abs; a tight twink asshole. But somehow it’s not the same without the unicorns and sentient food.

review: Chimera Group Encounter

It’s always a group encounter when you fuck a chimera!

Title: Monstchimera experimenters Made Me Gay: Chimera Group Encounter

Author: Hank Wilder

Other Title: Violated by Monsters: The Chimera Experiment

Other Author: Hannah Wilde

chimera gangbang

WhatWhat: Bobby and Alex are experiencing total bed death, and Bobby confesses it’s because he can’t stop thinking about being gangbanged by a group of well-endowed monsters. Luckily Alex is a bioengineer, and he takes Bobby out for a romantic dinner, then back to the lab where he’s whipped up something special: a set of giant-dicked chimeras, ready and willing to fuck Bobby senseless. Senseless is the operative word here.

I didn’t read the het version, but here’s some of the description: After making the move to a new city, Monica and Alex’s marriage is on the rocks, but not for the reason you’d think. In addition to all of the relocation stress, Monica is grappling with her hidden fetish of being taken by a gang of horny monsters. After admitting her dark secret to Alex, things get awkward fast for Monica. But it’s not long before Alex is turning the tables and making use of his new job as a genetic engineer to make his wife’s devious fantasy into reality.

Money Quotes:

He says that the chimeras are probably very excited to see me. (loc 522)

“Whoa,” is all that I can say, the words falling limply out of my mouth as I stare at the engorged members before me. (loc 574)

I want the chimera’s to use me like nothing more than a filthy twink sex doll, pound me as hard as they please while I beg for more. “Fuck me harder!” I scream out to the creature as he slams me from behind, “Slam that tight gay butt!” (loc 612)

Chuck Tingle alert:

Too much, too fast; I pull back and gasp, a string of spit connecting my lips to the head of the monster’s shaft as I struggle to catch my breath. (loc 594)

My God, I’d have thought that string of spit was trademarked.

Best Typo Ever:

Alex shrugged. “It’s been a while, sure. I just fingered it was the stress from the move.” (loc 366)

Verdict: You know the drill: one chimera, two chimera, three chimera, spurt. There is something eerily familiar about the prose, though. The hairs rose on the back of my neck when on the first page Bobby referred to Alex as his gay husband. Hmmmm. I wonder if the lab Alex works at could be on Huntertuck Island?

review: Poltergeist Gangbang

Title: Monsters Made Me Gay: Poltergeist Gangbang

Author: Hank Wilder

monsters made me gayM/F Version: Violated by Monsters: The Poltergeist Project by Hannah Wilde

poltergeist project

WhatWhat: So, yeah: Like Hunter/Whitney Fox of Alli-Frog fame, this is another case where near-identical versions of the same story exist in M/F and M/M versions. I only read one, because life is short. Carl’s new house is haunted, but his wife doesn’t take it seriously. While she’s out of town he calls in a psychic, who advises him that the ghosts want to fuck him, and then they’ll leave.

Money Quotes:

I glance over at my wife, who lies face down in the pillows with a blissful look plastered across her sleeping face. (loc 19)

Okay, but how exactly do you know that if she’s lying facedown?

“Oh yeah, sorry!” I shout, shaking my head in exasperation as I reach into my purse and pull out two hundred dollars, fresh from the ATM. (loc 145)

Carl, honey, why are you carrying a purse? I suddenly suspect the M/F version of this was written first.

“They have spoken,” Ms. Peel informs me. “The ghosts here have a very simple request: to fuck you.” (loc 157)

I wonder what Ed and Lorraine Warren would make of that.

…between my wife’s long hours and her serious lack of attention to the situation at hand, I haven’t really found myself attracted to him in quite some time. (loc 186)

Yup, the “Violated by Monsters” version was definitely written first.

I suddenly find myself on my knees, looking up at an assortment of floating dicks that encircle me. (loc 216)

Verdict: I’m really, truly disturbed that a) the sex scene in this follows a very set Chuck Tingle pattern, and b) I’ve read enough Chuck Tingle to notice that. Much like the infamous sex rituals of fanfic (one finger, two fingers, three fingers, cock), this follows a predictable outline: sucking off multiple dudes, getting buttfucked while sucking off multiple dudes, multiple dudes do the buttfucking, one dude lies on his back and pulls the protagonist onto his cock, some other dude joins in from the rear to double-penetrate the human guy’s ass so he can self-describe it as “totally reamed out.” I’ve seen it done with unicorns and doughnuts, and now ghosts.

There’s a second story included called Chimera Group Encounter, but I’ll review that one separately.

review: Evil Warlock Haunts Me Butt

It is with great sadness that I come to this review, as it may well be the last Hunter Fox entry in the canon. Of course, the author has an enormous backlist, so I expect I’ll be reviewing him for some time to come. Nevertheless, while I hope he enjoys the adventures awaiting him, I can safely say that the world of Kindle erotic shorts won’t be the same if he leaves.

Title: Evil Warlock Haunts Me Butt

Author: Hunter Fox

evil warlock haunts me butt

WhatWhat: Shamus O’Grady has been his town’s drunkard ever since the woman he loved (or thought he did) was taken to Cork at the instigation of his nemesis, Theo McClellon. Now he attempts to pull himself together, and heads to Dublin, but along the way he crosses the lands of an evil warlock…which gives the warlock the power to help himself to young Shamus’ sixteenth-century ass.

Money Quotes:

I hadn’t been to Dublin in nearly five years and couldn’t wait to see my relatives in the massive city. It was rumored to have thousands of people now as civilians! (loc 29)

“Taste the passion, my boy.” The evil warlock said, before pushing the flaming orb at me. I felt a warmth come over my body as the magical substance entered me. It was instantly absorbed into my muscles and veins and I felt a lust for the warlock come over me. (loc 100)

I was the exact opposite of what he was use to, I was small, tight and smooth. (loc 117)

So the warlock is used to large, loose, hairy men? Gross. I’m kind of curious as to how the narrator knows that about a warlock he just met.

So Very Irish:

I turned around, the warlock was heaving and looking down at his glorious cock, which spewed green Irish cum. (loc 152)

The only thing that could improve on that would be if it tasted of Bailey’s Irish Cream.

Verdict: This may well be Hunter Fox’s best work to date. The historical setting was entertaining, the magic being connected to land ownership/tresspassing was a cool detail, and I loved the green cum (uh, loved reading about it, I mean. I would not much love to be confronted with that in real life). Enjoyable enough that I was willing to overlook the American spelling of Seamus, although I would still have preferred the title to be “Evil Warlock Haunts Me Arse.”

In a roundabout way, Hunter Fox is the reason I started this blog–or rather, I started because of a review at SBTB of one of his books. It was a funny, snarky, clever review, but as I read it (and the comments) it occurred to me that I’d also like to see reviews of these that weren’t written in the spirit of “taking one for the team.”

I wanted reviews that, however much awareness they displayed of the flaws and absurdities of this ragged-arsed little subgenre, genuinely enjoyed and appreciated them. So I decided that writing my own short reviews, in that spirit of hilarity and appreciation, might get the ball rolling…

review: Punished by the Billionaire Dinosaurs Club

Title: Punished by the Billionaire Dinosaurs Club

Author: Whitney Fox

punished by the billionaire dinosaurs club

WhatWhat: Following a chance encounter with her former lover, billionaire dinosaur Bronco, Tara attends one of his parties and starts to hook up with Marcos the Stegosaurus. Bronco catches them and subjects Tara to a dinosaur gangbang, and catches the eye of a sweet raptor who asks her out after helping her clean up.

Money Quotes:

If I now know anything, it’s to never mess with the dinosaur elite. They run this town and can have you on food stamps within the week if they want to. Did Bronco love me? Maybe he was jealous that I had been blowing his friend and not giving him attention? (loc 12)

Who was I kidding, this wasn’t a punishment, this was my deepest and darkest fantasy. (loc 117)

Ow:

I continued to suck on my previous lover as he watched another dinosaur begin to tear my pussy apart. (loc 123)

Verdict: The copious amounts of dinosaur semen flying around were a bit alarming, and so was the rough sex, but at least she didn’t end up with Bronco. Bronco was a jerk.

review: Gay Centaur Punished my Butt

Title: Gay Centaur Punished my Butt

Author: Hunter Fox

gay centaur

Het version: Filthy Centaur Hits Raw by Whitney Fox

filthy centaur

WhatWhat: Stuck at a work retreat in a summer camp setting, Corey gets drunk and ends up in the woods, where a centaur sweet-talks him into anal sex…only the centaur turns out to be a jerk, and the sweet nothings were just a ploy to get into Corey’s ass. Money Quotes:

I was a runner. I mean that whenever I drank, for some reason, I liked to run. Once, I was in Vegas with all my best friends and by the end of the night, I was plastered. For some reason all I can remember was running down the strip, belligerent and holding onto my dick as I ran in and out of the casinos. I was a runner. (loc 82) I did find out thought that Zander’s love was impure and he was cursed by the waterfall of love, forever having to remain celibate. I was the last piece of ass his magical cock ever tasted. I feel good in knowing that he wasn’t able to get away with treating me the way he did. (loc 205)

The Space Grammarians Hate When You Do That:

“The waterfall of love.” He said, slowing down and letting me off his back. “This is where true lovers come, to drink from the purest water.” He added, leading me over to a small waterfall. The liquid that flowed from it’s golden rocks, glowed. (loc 117)

Verdict: It’s so weird to read one of these where the human doesn’t fall in love with the monster. Possibly I’ve been reading way too much Chuck Tingle, but now my expectations are skewed in a “happily ever after” direction. This was more realistic, though. Some monsters are bound to be players, and at least this one gets his comeuppance. Except now I’m a little worried that the downer ending means Hunter Fox is either a) depressed or b) not entirely over a centaur he met somewhere along the way. In fact, if you consider this alongside the dinosaur that jerked around that other character, it’s a tragic pattern of monsters-who-are-users.