Title: Unicorn Butt Cops Beach Patrol
Author: Chuck Tingle
What what: Look at the title again. Yeah. That that.
So, according to that cover, unicorns are only unicorns from the chest up. That’s cool. (Dinosaurs in this story are even more confusing, but we’ll get to that later.)
Mr. Tingle sets up his premise in the first three pages (by which point we’re 7% done): the unnamed narrator is twenty, and was headed up the corporate ladder, but after being hit by a car he ended up selling his house to pay his medical expenses because while he was in a coma the company went under. So now he’s homeless, desperate, and gets caught stealing a carnita from a taco stand.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing with that?” The owner of the taco stand asks me as I look back at him with wide eyes and red hands.
That thing right there, where the spoken words end with a period and then “the” is capitalized? That happens a LOT in Chuck Tingle stories, so if it irritates you a lot you should nope out of this right now.
But if you’re sticking around, things get abruptly Chuck-Tingley when the stand owner’s yelling attracts two unicorn cops on rollerblades, who chase and catch the hapless narrator. They’re Unicorn Butt Cops, who deliver a:
“homoerotic brand of justice that had been officially sanctioned by the government only years earlier. Fortunately, I’m not terrified of them at all because of a deep, dark secret I’ve been keeping for most of my life; I’m as gay as it gets, and these cops are actually kind of hot.” (27%)
So they have gay semi-consensual* punishment sex on the beach while tourists snap gay pictures, and the gay narrator alternates between admiring the gay cops’ muscular bodies and his own because Californians are really vain, I guess.
If my overuse of the word “gay” as an adjective annoys you, blame Mr. Tingle, who uses it INCESSANTLY. Gay arousal; frantic, gay desperation; gay human shish kebab–no, seriously, those are actual quotes. Other actual quotes:
I feel my cock start to harden with my pants… (33%) “Pound me harder, Unicorn Butt Cop!” (64 %) “I’m sorry I stole a cartinas taco!” I scream in cheerful desperation.
There’s also an AMAZING TWIST at the end that I shan’t spoil, except to say it involves dinosaurs and left me deeply, possibly permanently, confused about what the word “dinosaur” even means in this universe.
Verdict: So hilaribad I’m almost convinced it’s actually a parody. Needs an editor, but there’s a kind of crazed genius at work here. Everyone who loves short, crazed, self-published erotica should read at least one of these.
*Before the sex commences, an LAPD officer drives past and checks in that the narrator is “cool with all this,” so it’s pretty officially consensual, I guess.