review: Leonardo Dicaprico Finally Wins His Award and It Pounds Him in the Butt

Title: Leonardo Dicaprico Finally Wins His Award and It Pounds Him in the Butt

Author: Chuck Tingle

leonardo dicaprio

WhatWhat: A deserving candidate FINALLY takes his award. This is a Chuck Tingle story, so he takes it up the arse, of course.

As a side note, it took me a full five minutes to remember the real actor’s name after reading this.

Money Quotes:

The Academy of Handsome Buckaroos is a powerful and deep rooted organization, formed over sixty years ago as a way for the Hollywood elite to congratulate themselves on their own handsomeness. (loc 23)

Most accurate description ever.

That movie, of course, was The Revenass, the harrowing tale of a handsome buckaroo lost in the snow for hours and hours after narrowly surviving a bigfoot attack. (loc 53)

I hear it was filmed here in Canada.

Driven mad with lust, I open my mouth wide and take the award’s shaft between my lips, bobbing up and down a few times before retracting him again. A long thread of saliva hangs from my lips and connects to the head of his enormous rod. (loc 196)

Sometimes I’m afraid that strand of saliva will appear in my dreams.

I carefully align the statue’s cock with my already reamed back down and then push download, letting out a long, low moan as my butthole stretches to surround his massive dick. (loc 240)

You align it with what and do what now?

Verdict: I might actually watch the damned Oscars if they were more like this.

 

review: Dominated for the Billionaire’s Enjoyment

Title: Dominated for the Billionaire’s Enjoyment

Author: Doreen Kain

dominated for the billionaire's enjoyment

WhatWhat: Terry is at a bar called The Chambers, when a self-assured, attractive dom invites him to play. The dom has a friend with him, an older man who likes to watch. After some flogging and oral, he gives Terry an invitation to an exclusive play party at a private mansion…

Money Quotes:

Quickly I swallowed the last of my drink – no dom was worth wasting a mudslide, the greatest drink in the world. (I like to call them “white Russians” or “Kryceks”.) (loc 25)

I did my best to suck, but it wasn’t really necessary because Dave was fucking my mouth and he clearly didn’t require anything but compliance from me. (loc 135)

Verdict: Fairly typical m/m bdsm billionaire story, but punches above its weight because the author has such a firm grasp of the mechanics, both of writing and of kink. Sly sense of humour peeks through, and sex scenes scorchingly illustrate the pleasures of submission.

review: Guess Who’s Coming At Dinner?

Title: Guess Who’s Coming At Dinner?

Author: Tabatha Austin

guess who's coming at dinner

WhatWhat: Michael’s the product of a cloning experimentation: he’s a Modified Human, who looks like a mini T-Rex. So when Jessica brings him along to dinner at her friends’ place, her formerly open-minded friends display some bigoted behaviour that she decides to correct by fucking Michael in front of them on the dining room table.

Money Quote:

Michael’s sharp British voice spoke out. “Ah, quite the appetizer. Your pussy is as delicious as ambrosia. Truly a feast for the gods!”

My pussy muscles clenched and quivered as he spoke. “How about a second helping dinoman?”

“Smashing idea. I believe I shall.” (loc 274)

Verdict: British accents do that to me too, although not generally at dinner parties. I loved the set-up/backstory; it’s pretty much the only dino-porn scenario that makes actual sense. A fun read.

Review: Comic Con Futanari

Title: Comic Con Futanari

Author: Hayden Archer

comic con futanariWhatWhat: Kayla and Lacy have been roleplaying online, and it’s gotten kinda hot, so Lacey is thrilled that they’re finally meeting up in person at Comic Con. But Lucy¬† a) has a penis and b) is an elf, and she transforms Kayla as well.

Money Quote:

If even half the stuff she said was true, and believe me the jury was still out as to whether or not I even believed her fantastic story, how was she going to make me [a] thousand-year-old elf with a magical cock between my legs? (loc 1010)

Verdict: This is a story with a very specific appeal: not just futanari sex, but futa sex AND cosplay AND hooking up with your internet roleplay partner for semi-public sex with a risk of being exposed (and for group elf sex in a dungeon). That said, it’s a deliciously geeky story, well written and quite hot (so apparently I’m in the exact niche this is aimed at).

review: Glazed by the Gay Living Donuts

Title: Glazed by the Gay Living Donuts

Author: Chuck Tingle

The truly creative part is that he doesn't penetrate the donuts. I guess that would be too predictable.
The truly creative part is that he doesn’t penetrate the donuts. I guess that would be too predictable.

WhatWhat: Mike makes contact with the secret world of gay donuts, and participates in a stage show where a bunch of them ejaculate on him.

…What? Sorry. Can’t help you.

The entire time I was reading this I kept thinking of those Beach Party movies with Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon, and I’m not sure why. The secret subculture? The teens on the beach? No idea.

Anyway. Mike and his friends, wanting to do something more adventurous on their Californian road trip than just tanning on the beach, penetrate the underground society of doughnut depravity. I only mean “penetrate” in the figurative sense, because no penetration takes place in this.

Chuck Gets Deep:

The truth is, where you are doesn’t change who you are on the inside, and our group is coming face to face with the fact that, deep down, we might just be really boring gay men. (loc 20)

Money Quote:

Immediately, two freshly baked maple bars approach me, taking their friend’s place. These pastries are equally hung, and with a newfound ferocity and a face full of cum I start to expertly suck them off. (loc 200)

This raises so many questions. Does “freshly baked” imply these are underaged doughnuts? Do these things live a short, passion-filled life and then get eaten in the non-fun way? Someone needs to do a nature documentary, stat.

Verdict: I don’t even know anymore. I think I’ve achieved addict status on the whole Chuck Tingle phenomenon; I just Kindle Direct them automatically now. The phrase “their tiny baked hands” will stay with me a long time, that’s for sure.

Shopping Spree

Currently free on Kindle.

Blurb: An erotic short story of sex and shopping: Pretty Angel-Jane has won a scholarship to university, but she’s desperate to afford the move out-of-state and away from her impoverished background. Now her rich, snobby stepbrother has come back to visit, and he makes her an offer she can’t refuse: an anything-that-fits-in-the-cart shopping spree at the local department store. The catch? She has to do EVERYTHING he tells her to while they’re there.

review: Unicorn Butt Cops Beach Patrol

Title: Unicorn Butt Cops Beach Patrol

Author: Chuck Tingle

What what: Look at the title again. Yeah. That that.

buttcops

So, according to that cover, unicorns are only unicorns from the chest up. That’s cool. (Dinosaurs in this story are even more confusing, but we’ll get to that later.)

Mr. Tingle sets up his premise in the first three pages (by which point we’re 7% done): the unnamed narrator is twenty, and was headed up the corporate ladder, but after being hit by a car he ended up selling his house to pay his medical expenses because while he was in a coma the company went under. So now he’s homeless, desperate, and gets caught stealing a carnita from a taco stand.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing with that?” The owner of the taco stand asks me as I look back at him with wide eyes and red hands.

That thing right there, where the spoken words end with a period and then “the” is capitalized? That happens a LOT in Chuck Tingle stories, so if it irritates you a lot you should nope out of this right now.

But if you’re sticking around, things get abruptly Chuck-Tingley when the stand owner’s yelling attracts two unicorn cops on rollerblades, who chase and catch the hapless narrator. They’re Unicorn Butt Cops, who deliver a:

“homoerotic brand of justice that had been officially sanctioned by the government only years earlier. Fortunately, I’m not terrified of them at all because of a deep, dark secret I’ve been keeping for most of my life; I’m as gay as it gets, and these cops are actually kind of hot.” (27%)

Okay then.

So they have gay semi-consensual* punishment sex on the beach while tourists snap gay pictures, and the gay narrator alternates between admiring the gay cops’ muscular bodies and his own because Californians are really vain, I guess.

If my overuse of the word “gay” as an adjective annoys you, blame Mr. Tingle, who uses it INCESSANTLY. Gay arousal; frantic, gay desperation; gay human shish kebab–no, seriously, those are actual quotes. Other actual quotes:

I feel my cock start to harden with my pants… (33%) “Pound me harder, Unicorn Butt Cop!” (64 %) “I’m sorry I stole a cartinas taco!” I scream in cheerful desperation.

There’s also an AMAZING TWIST at the end that I shan’t spoil, except to say it involves dinosaurs and left me deeply, possibly permanently, confused about what the word “dinosaur” even means in this universe.

Verdict: So hilaribad I’m almost convinced it’s actually a parody. Needs an editor, but there’s a kind of crazed genius at work here. Everyone who loves short, crazed, self-published erotica should read at least one of these.

*Before the sex commences, an LAPD officer drives past and checks in that the narrator is “cool with all this,” so it’s pretty officially consensual, I guess.