review: Slammed in the Butt by the Living Leftover Chocolate Chip Cookies from my Kitchen Cabinet

Title: Slammed in the Butt by the Living Chocolate Chip Cookies from my Kitchen Cabinet

Author: Chuck Tingle

slammed chocolate chip cookies

WhatWhat: Nick works the night shift at the local milk bar, and after a rough night dealing with unpleasant patrons, he’s pleased when the sentient chocolate chip cookies from his kitchen cabinet drop by to say hi and pound him up the arse.

Money Quotes:

Sure, every once in a while they’ll stop by and grab a quick drink of milk, but when I’m on the clock I don’t have much time to chat, especially in a milk bar as crowded as this one. I can barely get in a hug and make a bit of small talk, but the second this is over then it’s back to the grind, mixing up strawberry Quick and popping the caps off of ice cold chocolate milk in the glass bottle. (loc 13)

You know, in Australia milk bars are an actual thing, but not in the Tingleverse sense. They’re just corner stores, basically. I like his version better.

“It’s been a while,” my living cookie Shipple adds, “you stopped eating us last month and now I feel like we never see you.”

I roll my eyes. “I’m on a diet, you know this.”

“Well, we figured we would come to you instead,” Gorbot continues. (loc 67)

This raises so many horrible questions. Has Nick been eating sentient beings? Are these cookies destined to be killed and consumed later?

Of course, I’ll admit that there are times when I realize this feeling of love may be a little more sexually potent than I’d like to admit, but that kind of goes without saying when you consider the fact that we’re all pretty attractive and living in a post-college world where casual sex and hook ups with your own living food is the norm. (loc 78)

I’m so glad I’m married.

I don’t even fight it when my thoughts begin to drift into places where they shouldn’t, noticing how toned and muscular Shipple’s chips have gotten, or sitting a little too close to Gorbot and placing my hand on his crumbling, baked edge. (loc 162)

Verdict: More and more, I see Tingle’s work as an extended metaphor probing the plight of ordinary people who struggle to survive today’s economic uncertainty and insane political climate.

review: Slammed up the Butt by my Hot Coffee Boss

Title: Slammed up the Butt by my Hot Coffee Boss

Author: Chuck Tingle

slammed up the butt
This would go well with doughnuts.

WhatWhat: Sales have been lagging at Parkoon Lances, so Yonce Peppers has a new boss: Morcho Kibclaw. Morcho is a real bad ass, firing people left and right, and spilling himself over some woman who arrives late for a meeting. Also he’s a cup of coffee. Because of the laws of thermodynamics Morcho is also in constant need of heat input to keep from cooling down; because this is a Chuck Tingle story, the heat input takes the form of buttsex.

Of Course You Do:

I can’t help letting my breath catch in my throat, not expecting to be so enchanted by this man, not only because he is a cup of coffee, but because I consider myself to be totally straight. (loc 31)

It’s been years since I’ve taken geography, so for all I know this is true:

“It says here you’re from Florida, lance capital of the world.”

I shrug. “I know. It’s hard to believe, but I’ve just never understood the appeal. I’m more of a pitchfork or trident man myself, but I think that’s what makes me so good at this job. I truly understand the competition.” (loc 139)

Money Quote:

“What do you know about living coffee?” Asks Morcho.

This feels like a loaded question, so I tread carefully. “Well, I know that you’re brewed locally most of the time.”

Morcho nods.

“House blend?” I ask.

“Kona.” Morcho tells me. “But that’s very flattering.”

Verdict: I don’t want to spoil the ending, but I think Chuck Tingle may have invented a new kind of vore.

This has a callback to the chocolate milk cowboys, which I appreciate. Also the whole “lances as a viable business” thing reminds me of the examples in How Not to Write a Novel (which is one of my favourite books in the world, so I mean that as a compliment).

It’s a little strange to reflect on the number and variety of living foods that have shown up here. There’s this coffee, these Canadian coffees, doughnuts, and a gingerbread man. I have poutine, poutine, poutine, a spaghetti monster, and a cheesy puff. Sometimes I wonder if my reading habits are going to have long-term effects on me.

review: Shared by the Chocolate Milk Cowboys

Title: Shared by the Chocolate Milk Cowboys

Author: Chuck Tingle

“Choclate,” Chuck? Really?

WhatWhat: Entrusted with the task of delivering a mysterious wooden box from the president to Einstein, cowboy Billy Brucko is set upon by a glass of chocolate milk, who quickly splashes out two other chocolate milk cowboys. After the gunfight the dying Billy opens the box to discover a device that will propel him to an alternate, gayer timeline.

…What? It doesn’t matter how many times you reread that summary: it’s never going to make any more sense than that. Perhaps some quotations will help?

Money Quotes:

Slowly, I look up and see the barrel of my own weapon pointed straight down at me. Holding it steady is a large glass of chocolate milk. (loc 78)

“It is a place that we have come to know as the Tingle-verse. Use with great caution, the Tingle-verse is a strange and erotic place, but if we can find a way to harness its power, we could soon find true utopia. I invented it. Signed, President Borchatok.” (loc 115)

“Do you like that fat dairy dick?” The chocolate milk asks me in his deep, soulful voice. “Do you love it up your tight gay asshole?” (loc 224)

I cum harder than any being ever has, or ever will, and then literally become the universe, which is now made of abs. (loc 270)

Verdict: I’m still puzzling over President Borchatok. That name sounds totally Bigfoot to me, but surely if there’d been an American Bigfoot President I’d have heard about it. Unless maybe Billy’s original timeline is the weird one, and the Tingle-verse is our universe. It’s Chuck Tingle’s world, we just live in it? I may be over-thinking this.

Edited to add: My husband summed it up best: “I wish I could Nesquik you.”

review: In the Grip of the Alpha Poutine

Title: In the Grip of the Alpha Poutine

Author: Twisty McCox

in the grip of the alpha poutine

WhatWhat: Hoping for success in the fast food industry, Gord (I am actually dying of Canadiana right at this moment. GORD. This could not get more perfect.) goes looking for the fabled Alpha Poutine in the Quebec wilderness. It makes greasy, sexual use of him, which apparently guarantees his success.

This is the most Canadian thing I have read in…ever. Nothing could actually be more Canadian unless someone finds me a story where a hockey player gets buggered by a Double Double. To be honest I’m still having trouble believing this EXISTS.

Also, the “about the author” note at the back rivals Leonard Delaney’s “about the author” notes.

ALSO, I just realized both Delaney and McCox are Canadian. Weird. Is there some kind of Canadian Kindleporn Renaissance afoot?

Money Quote:

He thrashed frantically as the fries of the beast roamed across his prone form, exploring his body with their starchy, sticky touch and tearing his clothes to shreds until he was nude for its inspection, held firm on his hands and knees by a sticky mass of gravy, fries and cheese, his ass exposed. (loc 33)

Verdict: This could not be more perfect. Well, the quote above could have an Oxford comma; that would be more perfect. But let’s not get deliriously picky here. This is the best-written poutine erotica you’re going to find.

review: Spaghetti Monster Tossed my Salad

Title: Spaghetti Monster Tossed my Salad

Author: Hunter Fox

spaghetti monster

WhatWhat: Chuck’s new waiter shapeshifts into a sexy spaghetti monster, who pleasures him with his…strands? It’s difficult to summarize this one.

Seriously, the Space Grammarians Are Getting Upset Now:

“Wow! You’re so hard for me. I love it!” The creature said, stroking me through his briefs with his noodles. (loc 131)

Money Quote:

“You want this Alfredo Sauce?” I asked him, knowing I was about to cum. (loc 165)

Verdict: This was AMAZING. Also, my Italian husband brought home Alfredo Sauce as revenge for my having made him read this. Plus now I am wracked with guilt on spaghetti night.