review: Ghostly Needs

Title: Ghostly Needs: A Haunting Taboo Romance

Author: Eden Redd

ghostly needs

WhatWhat: Bethany was horny in life and now she’s horny in her afterlife, having hanged herself rather than be put to death for her lust. Now she’s eyeing the new inhabitants of her house: a husband, his wife, and his attractive son. Conveniently the step-mother is already attracted to her step-son, so Bethany possesses her for a little pseudo-incestuous ghost action.

Money Quotes:

She would insert her toy and moan loudly when no one was home. It was a bit odd that she often looked to a family picture of her, James and Alex together when she came the loudest. (loc 89)

I see.

I wanted to be on my own knees, taking him in, pleasing him like the whore before him. It was these very thoughts they accused me of witchcraft and the devil’s play thing. (loc 124)

I think we’re missing a “because of” and a “being” here somewhere.

The second hunger rising and running along mine, was it from Kate herself? I could feel Kate’s body responding alongside my own desires. I dared say nothing for I didn’t want to stop this magical moment but I could feel the lustful desire work with mine to take this young and beautiful man. (loc 387)

Verdict: A little melancholy and, yes, romantic, with a sweetly happy ending, this is basically pseudo-incest with a lot of heart.

review: Poltergeist Gangbang

Title: Monsters Made Me Gay: Poltergeist Gangbang

Author: Hank Wilder

monsters made me gayM/F Version: Violated by Monsters: The Poltergeist Project by Hannah Wilde

poltergeist project

WhatWhat: So, yeah: Like Hunter/Whitney Fox of Alli-Frog fame, this is another case where near-identical versions of the same story exist in M/F and M/M versions. I only read one, because life is short. Carl’s new house is haunted, but his wife doesn’t take it seriously. While she’s out of town he calls in a psychic, who advises him that the ghosts want to fuck him, and then they’ll leave.

Money Quotes:

I glance over at my wife, who lies face down in the pillows with a blissful look plastered across her sleeping face. (loc 19)

Okay, but how exactly do you know that if she’s lying facedown?

“Oh yeah, sorry!” I shout, shaking my head in exasperation as I reach into my purse and pull out two hundred dollars, fresh from the ATM. (loc 145)

Carl, honey, why are you carrying a purse? I suddenly suspect the M/F version of this was written first.

“They have spoken,” Ms. Peel informs me. “The ghosts here have a very simple request: to fuck you.” (loc 157)

I wonder what Ed and Lorraine Warren would make of that.

…between my wife’s long hours and her serious lack of attention to the situation at hand, I haven’t really found myself attracted to him in quite some time. (loc 186)

Yup, the “Violated by Monsters” version was definitely written first.

I suddenly find myself on my knees, looking up at an assortment of floating dicks that encircle me. (loc 216)

Verdict: I’m really, truly disturbed that a) the sex scene in this follows a very set Chuck Tingle pattern, and b) I’ve read enough Chuck Tingle to notice that. Much like the infamous sex rituals of fanfic (one finger, two fingers, three fingers, cock), this follows a predictable outline: sucking off multiple dudes, getting buttfucked while sucking off multiple dudes, multiple dudes do the buttfucking, one dude lies on his back and pulls the protagonist onto his cock, some other dude joins in from the rear to double-penetrate the human guy’s ass so he can self-describe it as “totally reamed out.” I’ve seen it done with unicorns and doughnuts, and now ghosts.

There’s a second story included called Chimera Group Encounter, but I’ll review that one separately.

review: The Sexorcist

Title: The Sexorcist

Series: The Haunted Desperation Series

Author: Kiki Wellington

sexorcist

WhatWhat: The Sutter Avenue Paranormal Society investigate a haunted B&B, and Hope has an encounter with the ghost that’s been driving female guests wild…then bumps into a television producer in the parking lot.

Money Quote:

He picked up the pace and pounded my ass harder, faster, while stroking my eager bud. Then he started screaming, so there was no denying I was getting fucked. It probably shook the whole house, but he didn’t seem to mind…and as another orgasm moved through me, I didn’t either. (loc 320)

Way to be Professional, Hope:

“SAPS?”

“Yeah, it stands for Sutter Avenue Paranormal Society.”

“I see.”

“It can also stand for something else.”

“What?”

“Sexy ass paranormal slut,” I said and then pursed my lips a little bit, hoping he would imagine what a sexy ass paranormal slut could do with her lips. (loc 400)

Verdict: I feel weird confessing this (although you already know I spend large chunks of time reading bizarre erotica, so why I’d feel weird confessing ANYTHING at this point is a mystery), but I adore those stupid paranormal shows where ghosthunters wander around in the dark going “Did you hear that?” about noises that the audience can’t hear. So I was predisposed to like this series. The clever installment titles helped as well.

But if you don’t enjoy ghosthunting, your attention might wander a bit, because there’s definitely more page time spent on the group dynamics and the set-up than there is on the sex. The writing is competent but not sparkling. I’m sticking with the series for now, to see if it hits its stride during the next few stories.

review: Lesbian Ghost Hunters: Wake-Up Call

Title: Lesbian Ghost Hunters #1: Wake-Up Call

Author: Merlyn Sloane

lesbian ghost hunters 1

WhatWhat: The narrator, who lives and works at a hotel,  is being haunted by a ghost whose attentions cause her to masturbate. This is getting to be a problem at work, but a ghosthunter named R.J. shows up and tells the maid how to get rid of her ghost: she needs to get the ghost off.

Plane, I think:

“So they’re there until either the light goes off, or they’re released to another plain.” (loc 232)

Money Quotes:

The day before, I had barely made it into an empty room before I doubled up, gasping, my fingers desperately fumbling with the waistband of my work pants. (loc 64)

The dark-haired woman watched me with evident glee. She held up some kind of electronic instrument.

“Just, you know, looking for the ghost,” she said, brandishing the device in my vague direction. “looks like you found her first though, so I’ll let you finish up. Professional courtesy.” (loc 109)

Verdict: Generally entertaining. I had one or two minor quibbles: what the hell is the narrator’s name? How did R.J. know there was a ghost at the hotel? But overall it was lovely, and I look forward to the rest of the series.

review: Gay Ghost Hunters

Title: Gay Ghost Hunters

Author: Catherine DeVore

gay ghost hunters

WhatWhat: Roderick and Jose have a television show, Gay Ghost Hunters, but neither of them actually believe in ghosts until they investigate Hell Manor, where wealthy Eric Gladstone murdered his lover, an unnamed servant. Both men still haunt the house; Gladstone is evil, but the servant is merely horny.

Money Quote:

“It looks like a trail,” he said, tracking it with the camcorder. “Of ectoplasm, I believe.” He was obviously trying not to laugh as he examined what was more than likely a trail of my cum on the floor. I punched his arm lightly. (loc 138)

Verdict: Light, charming, and well-written. I was hoping it was the beginning of a series, but I couldn’t find more. I did find other things by this author, however, and will definitely download them.

Review: Bigfoot Pirates Haunt My Balls

Title: Bigfoot Pirates Haunt My Balls

Author: Chuck Tingle

bigfoot piratesWhatWhat: You know what, I’m just going to quote from the book description, because it tells you all you need to know except why:

When the most notorious bigfoot pirate, Lorko the Black, is killed off the coast of Santa Monica, a man named Andy begins to feel a mysterious throbbing in his balls. After a trip to the doctor, Andy soon learns that what seemed like a coincidence is actually an acute case of haunted balls, and the only prescription is a bigfoot ghost pirate gangbang!

Money Quote:

“But don’t get too excited.” Dr. Torp tells me. “You’re still in a world of trouble. I’m afraid your balls are haunted.” (loc 56)

I gasp in astonishment, completely blindsided by this revelation. “Lorko the Black has been gay this whole time?” I ask. “That’s amazing.” (loc 112)

Verdict: I am never going to get over how the main character calmly accepts “haunted balls” as a diagnosis, but then is completely shocked by the revelation that the ghost is gay. Right. Because that’s the shocking bit.

review: Vindicated by the Dinosaur Ghost

Title: Vindicated by the Dinosaur Ghost

Author: Twisty McCox

vindicated by the dinosaur ghost

WhatWhat: Psychic Paleontologist Rob has always believed dinosaurs were sentient, so he feels vindicated when the ghost of one shows up in his tent at night (at a dig in Alberta) to fuck him up the arse.

Money Quote:

With that thrill of paleontological validation – he knew the dinosaurs would speak to him! he knew it! – Rob came with a sob, clenching down upon the mass inside him, feeling its answering throb. (loc 170)

Verdict: If I was being mocked by my colleagues for my mysticism and my completely unfounded beliefs, I’d want more “vindication” than some invisible anal that proved nothing to anyone else. But hey, it’s still probably the most exciting thing to ever happen in the Alberta badlands. And this was really well-written illogical porn. I enjoyed it.