review: Pounded by my Handsome Ghost Boats

Title: Pounded by my Handsome Ghost Boats

Author: Chuck Tingle

ghost boats

WhatWhat: Ralph is trying to relax at the pool, but the ghosts of several boats that died in a tragic fire at his family’s marina want to get laid.

Money Quotes:

The only thing that hasn’t exactly been a joy to deal with my are my families six rambunctious ghost boats, one of the lesser known drawbacks of having a dad with a dealership. (loc 14)

Sorry, Ralph, I have no sympathy whatsoever for anyone whose dad owns a dealership.

They like to do this on occasion, showing these unsuspecting guys the time of their lives and then disappearing days later, so that when the men ask around it will be revealed that the boats in question died long ago in a terrible marina fire. Spooky. (loc 24)

Spooky and mildly insane.

“I’ve always wondered what it would be like to fuck a ghost, and I’ve always wondered what it would be like to fuck a boat,” I admit. “Now I get to learn both!” (loc 169)

Verdict: I for one am relieved to see that his Hugo nomination hasn’t spoiled Dr. Tingle for the simpler pleasures in life, like ghost boats.

review: Ghostly Needs

Title: Ghostly Needs: A Haunting Taboo Romance

Author: Eden Redd

ghostly needs

WhatWhat: Bethany was horny in life and now she’s horny in her afterlife, having hanged herself rather than be put to death for her lust. Now she’s eyeing the new inhabitants of her house: a husband, his wife, and his attractive son. Conveniently the step-mother is already attracted to her step-son, so Bethany possesses her for a little pseudo-incestuous ghost action.

Money Quotes:

She would insert her toy and moan loudly when no one was home. It was a bit odd that she often looked to a family picture of her, James and Alex together when she came the loudest. (loc 89)

I see.

I wanted to be on my own knees, taking him in, pleasing him like the whore before him. It was these very thoughts they accused me of witchcraft and the devil’s play thing. (loc 124)

I think we’re missing a “because of” and a “being” here somewhere.

The second hunger rising and running along mine, was it from Kate herself? I could feel Kate’s body responding alongside my own desires. I dared say nothing for I didn’t want to stop this magical moment but I could feel the lustful desire work with mine to take this young and beautiful man. (loc 387)

Verdict: A little melancholy and, yes, romantic, with a sweetly happy ending, this is basically pseudo-incest with a lot of heart.

review: Poltergeist Gangbang

Title: Monsters Made Me Gay: Poltergeist Gangbang

Author: Hank Wilder

monsters made me gayM/F Version: Violated by Monsters: The Poltergeist Project by Hannah Wilde

poltergeist project

WhatWhat: So, yeah: Like Hunter/Whitney Fox of Alli-Frog fame, this is another case where near-identical versions of the same story exist in M/F and M/M versions. I only read one, because life is short. Carl’s new house is haunted, but his wife doesn’t take it seriously. While she’s out of town he calls in a psychic, who advises him that the ghosts want to fuck him, and then they’ll leave.

Money Quotes:

I glance over at my wife, who lies face down in the pillows with a blissful look plastered across her sleeping face. (loc 19)

Okay, but how exactly do you know that if she’s lying facedown?

“Oh yeah, sorry!” I shout, shaking my head in exasperation as I reach into my purse and pull out two hundred dollars, fresh from the ATM. (loc 145)

Carl, honey, why are you carrying a purse? I suddenly suspect the M/F version of this was written first.

“They have spoken,” Ms. Peel informs me. “The ghosts here have a very simple request: to fuck you.” (loc 157)

I wonder what Ed and Lorraine Warren would make of that.

…between my wife’s long hours and her serious lack of attention to the situation at hand, I haven’t really found myself attracted to him in quite some time. (loc 186)

Yup, the “Violated by Monsters” version was definitely written first.

I suddenly find myself on my knees, looking up at an assortment of floating dicks that encircle me. (loc 216)

Verdict: I’m really, truly disturbed that a) the sex scene in this follows a very set Chuck Tingle pattern, and b) I’ve read enough Chuck Tingle to notice that. Much like the infamous sex rituals of fanfic (one finger, two fingers, three fingers, cock), this follows a predictable outline: sucking off multiple dudes, getting buttfucked while sucking off multiple dudes, multiple dudes do the buttfucking, one dude lies on his back and pulls the protagonist onto his cock, some other dude joins in from the rear to double-penetrate the human guy’s ass so he can self-describe it as “totally reamed out.” I’ve seen it done with unicorns and doughnuts, and now ghosts.

There’s a second story included called Chimera Group Encounter, but I’ll review that one separately.

review: Fondled by the Flying Dutchman

Title: Fondled by the Flying Dutchman

Author: Cassidy Beach

fondled by the flying dutchman

WhatWhat: Tiffany Wong’s marriage to a jackass social-media billionaire ends badly, and to pay him back for his infidelity, she fucks the entire ghostly crew of the Flying Dutchman, plus the ship itself.

Money Quotes:

He named his 70-foot yacht Chick Magnet, which I probably should have taken as a red flag. Instead, I just told him it was funny. Some of my friends told me they’d heard he was a skeeve, but what did they know? I was the one who was married to the guy. (loc 67)

Oh Honey, no.

I went over to the helm and looked at the ship’s wheel. It was huge and wooden and had spokes all around it. When I went up to touch it, all the spokes magically transformed into cocks. (loc 156)

Verdict: This is another Cassidy Beach story where the setup and backstory is more memorable than the sex (okay, almost: that thing with the ship’s wheel is pretty damned unforgettable, as is the lesbian figurehead). This author has a talent for writing lousy boyfriends and then providing the satisfying spectacle of a woman using sex to get over them.

review: Para-Sexual Activity

Title: Para-Sexual Activity

Author: Kiki Wellington

Series: Haunted Desperation

parasexual activity

WhatWhat: Hope is on a date with hot TV producer Jason, who might be interested in giving her group, the Sutter Avenue Paranormal Society, a television show. But the date goes to hell when she’s called upon to babysit a sort of Dybbuk box.

Money Quotes:

“I want a show!” Dale said enthusiastically. “Do you have any idea how much free pussy guys from reality shows actually get? All you have to do is be on TV, and women are throwing poon at you for miles.” (loc 87)

I have no idea if that’s true, but I kind of want to ask Ryan Buell or John Edward or someone. Although to be honest it sounds more like a job hazard than a perk.

“People get a lot of chances to speak at paracons when they have their own show.” (loc 127)

“I understand. Is there anything else I should know?”

“You need to call your mother.”

“My spirit guides told you that?”

“No. I ran into her at the supermarket this morning and she told me you haven’t been in touch for a while.” (loc 182)

Okay, this quote requires context: in both the previous books Hope trotted out the same horrible joke about SAPS standing for “sexy-ass paranormal slut.” Apparently even the other characters share my hatred of that one line:

“I still wish you’d cut it out with that stupid joke.” (loc 119)

Verdict: I swear I started downloading these because I loved the titles, and while the previous two books weren’t bad at all, this is the one that got me really, really hooked. It’s witty and sexy, and the revelation of what’s in the Dybbuk Box is perfect. Also, Hope got her start legend tripping; I’m starting to relate to this character, even if she does keep telling that one joke I hate.

Again: you have to have at least a teensy bit of an interest in paranormal investigations to fully enjoy the atmosphere of this, I think. Or at least, you have to not HATE them or fly into a blind rage every time you’re reminded they exist or anything.*

*True story: I know someone who practically froths at the mouth if you say the name “John Edward.” I think a medium ran over his dog and then refused to contact it or something. Okay, I made that last part up. But this guy HATES psychics. He would not enjoy this series, is all I’m saying.

review: The Bare Witch Project

Title: The Bare Witch Project

Series: The Haunted Desperation Series

Author: Kiki Wellington

bare witch project

WhatWhat: The Sutter Avenue Paranormal Society get lost returning from the haunted B&Bof book one, and encounter Mary, a witch with a problem: her sister has cursed her so that no man can get near her (the sister astral-projects herself over and screws them first, apparently).

Money Quotes:

The whole enterprise was weird—why was I in a witch’s closet having sex with Dale? I had no idea. But as Dale shot a wad of come into my pussy, it didn’t matter to me either way. I was enjoying it…the logistics didn’t matter. (loc 362)

Verdict: The cringe-inducing “paranormal slut” conversation from the first book is repeated here, which almost made me quit reading, but I’m glad I didn’t. The characters are growing on me, and the dialogue is slightly snappier than in the first book.

But if I were an actual witch, there’s no way I’d be using dime store hand lotion. Hell, even without magic powers, I draw the line at cheap lotion.

review: The Sexorcist

Title: The Sexorcist

Series: The Haunted Desperation Series

Author: Kiki Wellington

sexorcist

WhatWhat: The Sutter Avenue Paranormal Society investigate a haunted B&B, and Hope has an encounter with the ghost that’s been driving female guests wild…then bumps into a television producer in the parking lot.

Money Quote:

He picked up the pace and pounded my ass harder, faster, while stroking my eager bud. Then he started screaming, so there was no denying I was getting fucked. It probably shook the whole house, but he didn’t seem to mind…and as another orgasm moved through me, I didn’t either. (loc 320)

Way to be Professional, Hope:

“SAPS?”

“Yeah, it stands for Sutter Avenue Paranormal Society.”

“I see.”

“It can also stand for something else.”

“What?”

“Sexy ass paranormal slut,” I said and then pursed my lips a little bit, hoping he would imagine what a sexy ass paranormal slut could do with her lips. (loc 400)

Verdict: I feel weird confessing this (although you already know I spend large chunks of time reading bizarre erotica, so why I’d feel weird confessing ANYTHING at this point is a mystery), but I adore those stupid paranormal shows where ghosthunters wander around in the dark going “Did you hear that?” about noises that the audience can’t hear. So I was predisposed to like this series. The clever installment titles helped as well.

But if you don’t enjoy ghosthunting, your attention might wander a bit, because there’s definitely more page time spent on the group dynamics and the set-up than there is on the sex. The writing is competent but not sparkling. I’m sticking with the series for now, to see if it hits its stride during the next few stories.