review: The Groupie: Taken by the Men Who Raised Me

Title: The Groupie: Taken by the Men Who Raised Me

Author: Amber Paige

groupie

WhatWhat: Amber’s stepfather and her uncles get their old band back together, and after a sparsely attended performance (okay, only Amber shows up) she decides to cheer them up by fucking them all.

Money Quotes:

With massive generation gaps abound, it’s easy to see how someone my age could find it hard to relate to their step father. He read’s books that are drab and has a more-than-questionable fashion sense, among other embarrassing truths. (loc 6)

“He read’s,” really? This is not a promising beginning.

The second that my step dad see’s me….(loc 29)

You’re fucking kidding me, right?

But my attraction to them is just plan wrong. Even with the lack of any biological taboo, since we are not technically related by blood, the lustful feelings that brew inside of me are unmistakably forbidden. (loc 144)

I get the feeling that the author wanted to make the lack of blood kinship perfectly “plan” to the Amazon gatekeepers.

I want to fuck my step dad, and I want to fuck him badly. (loc 218)

And then I want to proofread even more badly.

I pull back with frantic enthusiasm, looking up at the muscular men who raised me with pure lust in my eyes. “Fuck me right now! I need your bog step daddy cocks in this tight little pussy!”

I fall forward onto my hands and knees in the middle of the living room, popping my ass out at the band and wiggling it in the air. “Come and get it!” I coax. (loc 250)

Holy Chuck Tingle: I feel like I’ve read practically this exact scene somewhere before, but I can’t quite put my finger on where.

Verdict: Eerily familiar, and yet curiously devoid of unicorns.

review: Gay Cult

Remember how I discovered there were twenty-seven of those “taken by the men who raised me” stories? I’ve made a terrifying, fascinating discovery.

Title: Gay Cult: Pounded by the Men Who Raised Me

Author: Andy Paigeman

gay cult

WhatWhat: To quote the Amazon description, “It’s been five years since Kenneth left behind his gay sex cult past,” only can one ever REALLY leave behind one’s gay sex cult past?  No, reader: one cannot. So Kenneth ends up being fucked by a bunch of the older guys from the cult compound.

Money Quotes:

As far as I was aware, all kids grew up attending morning religious rituals like snake handling and fire walking. (loc 12)

This cult has a really wide range of interests.

Unfortunately, I left the church right before my twentieth birthday, which is just before the first sexual ritual takes place, so I don’t exactly know for myself.

Of course, the step father and step uncle aspect of these sexual encounters also rubs a lot of people the wrong way, and understandably so, but that never bothered me all that much thanks mostly to the fact that the older men at the church happen to be incredibly handsome. Sure, they are older men, but they wear it well and stay exceptionally fit by taking part in various chores around the compound. (loc 34)

Yeah, see…I don’t think most people’s objections to ritualized sex with their stepfather hinges on whether or not he’s good looking.

“Hello Kenneth.” Peter says. “Welcome back to the Gay Garden. May the vines fill your soul with light and love.”

“May the vines fill your soul with light and love.” The group of handsome older men repeats in unison. (loc 148)

Oh, come on. That is not how you punctuate dialogue tags or how you do foreplay. I love that the cult compound is called the Gay Garden, though.

“Are you ready to receive the vines?” (loc 148)

Guess what the vines are? Yes, their penises. No, I’m not kidding.

“Do you all want to fuck me at the same time?” I ask seductively in a voice that barely feels like my own. “Do you want to take me in my tight twink asshole?” (loc 158)

The reason your voice barely feels like your own, Kenneth, is because you’re obviously using Chuck Tingle’s voice right about now.

Lost in a sea of frantic gay lust, I take my step father’s massive dick and shove it down my throat as far as I can, gag reflex be damned. Somehow, I manage to loosen up enough to take Peter all the way into the depths of my neck, his entire length consumed as his balls hang on my chin and his abs press hard against my face. (loc 183)

Verdict: This raises some deep questions, not least of which is, why do women get “taken” and men get “pounded”? Are gay sex cults really a thing? Are there twenty-seven of these, too? I’m honestly scared to go look.

This is so Tingle-esque as to be amazing, dear reader. It’s all here: gay lust; abs; a tight twink asshole. But somehow it’s not the same without the unicorns and sentient food.

review: Drop Bear Group Encounter

Title: Monsters Made Me Gay: Drop Bear Group Encounter

Author: Hank Wilder

drop bear drop bear brigade

Alternate Version: Violated by Monsters: The Drop Bear Brigade by Hannah Wilde

WhatWhat: Landon is working on a banana farm in Australia when the Drop Bears the locals had teased him about show up, seeking anal.

Money Quote:

There’s a joke that people tell you when you plan on visiting Australia, a completely unfounded piece of knowledge that’s been passed around like a rugby ball, or whatever it is that they play over there. (loc 1)

Truth be told, I am absolutely aching to cum right now, and as the drop bears begin to loo me up and down with their little black eyes, I begin to find myself overwhelmed by the flooding sensation of gay arousal. (loc 174)

Verdict: The protagonists of erotica are a hardy lot, able to spring from terror to arousal with barely a pause. In all seriousness though, I’ve heard of worse things happening in Australia, usually involving spiders.

review: Eight Bigfoot Buckaroos Hate my Butt and Pound It

Title: Eight Bigfoot Buckaroos Hate my Butt and Pound It

Author: Chuck Tingle

eight bigfoot buckaroos

WhatWhat: Porb’s butt is wanted for murder, and Porb is in the custody of bounty hunter Bip ‘Tight Butthole’ Rube. A winter storm forces them to take shelter in a cabin where six other Bigfoots are also staying; Porb’s butt is proven innocent, but pounded by the seven Bigfoots anyway.

Money Quotes:

Why would I rather be anywhere besides Denver? The answer is simple: After several false accusations against my butt, it has been tried for murder and sentenced to hang in the Denver town square. (loc 6)

As usual, my butt is wanted pounded or tight…(loc 22)

Verdict: I had no idea what this was in reference to until my husband drew my attention to The Hateful Eight.Yeah, I know, it’s THE SAME THING only the Tingleverse version has Bigfoots and group sex, so clearly I never have to see the movie now.

The questions I really wanted answered (“How exactly would a butt murder someone?” and “How would you hang a butt, and would the owner survive?”) never do get answered, alas.

review: Chimera Group Encounter

It’s always a group encounter when you fuck a chimera!

Title: Monstchimera experimenters Made Me Gay: Chimera Group Encounter

Author: Hank Wilder

Other Title: Violated by Monsters: The Chimera Experiment

Other Author: Hannah Wilde

chimera gangbang

WhatWhat: Bobby and Alex are experiencing total bed death, and Bobby confesses it’s because he can’t stop thinking about being gangbanged by a group of well-endowed monsters. Luckily Alex is a bioengineer, and he takes Bobby out for a romantic dinner, then back to the lab where he’s whipped up something special: a set of giant-dicked chimeras, ready and willing to fuck Bobby senseless. Senseless is the operative word here.

I didn’t read the het version, but here’s some of the description: After making the move to a new city, Monica and Alex’s marriage is on the rocks, but not for the reason you’d think. In addition to all of the relocation stress, Monica is grappling with her hidden fetish of being taken by a gang of horny monsters. After admitting her dark secret to Alex, things get awkward fast for Monica. But it’s not long before Alex is turning the tables and making use of his new job as a genetic engineer to make his wife’s devious fantasy into reality.

Money Quotes:

He says that the chimeras are probably very excited to see me. (loc 522)

“Whoa,” is all that I can say, the words falling limply out of my mouth as I stare at the engorged members before me. (loc 574)

I want the chimera’s to use me like nothing more than a filthy twink sex doll, pound me as hard as they please while I beg for more. “Fuck me harder!” I scream out to the creature as he slams me from behind, “Slam that tight gay butt!” (loc 612)

Chuck Tingle alert:

Too much, too fast; I pull back and gasp, a string of spit connecting my lips to the head of the monster’s shaft as I struggle to catch my breath. (loc 594)

My God, I’d have thought that string of spit was trademarked.

Best Typo Ever:

Alex shrugged. “It’s been a while, sure. I just fingered it was the stress from the move.” (loc 366)

Verdict: You know the drill: one chimera, two chimera, three chimera, spurt. There is something eerily familiar about the prose, though. The hairs rose on the back of my neck when on the first page Bobby referred to Alex as his gay husband. Hmmmm. I wonder if the lab Alex works at could be on Huntertuck Island?

review: Fondled by the Flying Dutchman

Title: Fondled by the Flying Dutchman

Author: Cassidy Beach

fondled by the flying dutchman

WhatWhat: Tiffany Wong’s marriage to a jackass social-media billionaire ends badly, and to pay him back for his infidelity, she fucks the entire ghostly crew of the Flying Dutchman, plus the ship itself.

Money Quotes:

He named his 70-foot yacht Chick Magnet, which I probably should have taken as a red flag. Instead, I just told him it was funny. Some of my friends told me they’d heard he was a skeeve, but what did they know? I was the one who was married to the guy. (loc 67)

Oh Honey, no.

I went over to the helm and looked at the ship’s wheel. It was huge and wooden and had spokes all around it. When I went up to touch it, all the spokes magically transformed into cocks. (loc 156)

Verdict: This is another Cassidy Beach story where the setup and backstory is more memorable than the sex (okay, almost: that thing with the ship’s wheel is pretty damned unforgettable, as is the lesbian figurehead). This author has a talent for writing lousy boyfriends and then providing the satisfying spectacle of a woman using sex to get over them.

review: Punished by the Billionaire Dinosaurs Club

Title: Punished by the Billionaire Dinosaurs Club

Author: Whitney Fox

punished by the billionaire dinosaurs club

WhatWhat: Following a chance encounter with her former lover, billionaire dinosaur Bronco, Tara attends one of his parties and starts to hook up with Marcos the Stegosaurus. Bronco catches them and subjects Tara to a dinosaur gangbang, and catches the eye of a sweet raptor who asks her out after helping her clean up.

Money Quotes:

If I now know anything, it’s to never mess with the dinosaur elite. They run this town and can have you on food stamps within the week if they want to. Did Bronco love me? Maybe he was jealous that I had been blowing his friend and not giving him attention? (loc 12)

Who was I kidding, this wasn’t a punishment, this was my deepest and darkest fantasy. (loc 117)

Ow:

I continued to suck on my previous lover as he watched another dinosaur begin to tear my pussy apart. (loc 123)

Verdict: The copious amounts of dinosaur semen flying around were a bit alarming, and so was the rough sex, but at least she didn’t end up with Bronco. Bronco was a jerk.