review: Poltergeist Gangbang

Title: Monsters Made Me Gay: Poltergeist Gangbang

Author: Hank Wilder

monsters made me gayM/F Version: Violated by Monsters: The Poltergeist Project by Hannah Wilde

poltergeist project

WhatWhat: So, yeah: Like Hunter/Whitney Fox of Alli-Frog fame, this is another case where near-identical versions of the same story exist in M/F and M/M versions. I only read one, because life is short. Carl’s new house is haunted, but his wife doesn’t take it seriously. While she’s out of town he calls in a psychic, who advises him that the ghosts want to fuck him, and then they’ll leave.

Money Quotes:

I glance over at my wife, who lies face down in the pillows with a blissful look plastered across her sleeping face. (loc 19)

Okay, but how exactly do you know that if she’s lying facedown?

“Oh yeah, sorry!” I shout, shaking my head in exasperation as I reach into my purse and pull out two hundred dollars, fresh from the ATM. (loc 145)

Carl, honey, why are you carrying a purse? I suddenly suspect the M/F version of this was written first.

“They have spoken,” Ms. Peel informs me. “The ghosts here have a very simple request: to fuck you.” (loc 157)

I wonder what Ed and Lorraine Warren would make of that.

…between my wife’s long hours and her serious lack of attention to the situation at hand, I haven’t really found myself attracted to him in quite some time. (loc 186)

Yup, the “Violated by Monsters” version was definitely written first.

I suddenly find myself on my knees, looking up at an assortment of floating dicks that encircle me. (loc 216)

Verdict: I’m really, truly disturbed that a) the sex scene in this follows a very set Chuck Tingle pattern, and b) I’ve read enough Chuck Tingle to notice that. Much like the infamous sex rituals of fanfic (one finger, two fingers, three fingers, cock), this follows a predictable outline: sucking off multiple dudes, getting buttfucked while sucking off multiple dudes, multiple dudes do the buttfucking, one dude lies on his back and pulls the protagonist onto his cock, some other dude joins in from the rear to double-penetrate the human guy’s ass so he can self-describe it as “totally reamed out.” I’ve seen it done with unicorns and doughnuts, and now ghosts.

There’s a second story included called Chimera Group Encounter, but I’ll review that one separately.

review: Gay Aliens: Reptilian Rampage

Author: John Ellison

gay aliens

Mirror Image: Dominated by Aliens: Reptilian Rampage by Jeniffer Grant

dominated by aliens

WhatWhat: Three reptilian aliens abduct Mark, and sexually “test” him for a client, warning him that the fate of the entire Earth depends on the client’s approval.

Issues: There’s a misplaced sentence on the second page (it looks like a line from a sex scene got dropped into the wrong spot, somehow), and tense shifts all over the damned place.

I waved my arms around and tried to swim out, but that was completely futile. I guess I should just obey these guys. (loc 40/19%)

Also, why not just say “it looked like a dildo”? Clarity is your friend, authors.

If I wasn’t mistaken, it looked like what I would imagine an alien dildo to look like. (loc 47/22%)

There’s also this:

He fiddled with the metallic device for a second and got the thing to open up at the bottom. (loc 68/31%)

I’m sorry, that just reminds me of Larry’s writing student in Throw Momma from the Train: “Dive! Dive!” yelled the Captain through the thing! So the man who makes it dive pressed a button, or a something, and it dove.

Money Quote:

He inched the device in, and smoothly entering it inside me. I let out a gasp followed by a seductive moan. (loc 83/37%)

Dude, you’re clearly at least a sentence past needing to be seductive.

Verdict: It’s available through Kindle Unlimited, so if you can get past the lack of beta-reading, it’s entertaining enough.

review: Dominated by Monsters: Backyard Beast

Author: Jeniffer Grant

M/M incarnation: Gay Monsters Backyard Beast by John Ellison

backyard beast

What What: An eighteen-year-old girl with ambitions to marry someone “moderately wealthy” so she can leave her parents’ house has her sights set on the next-door neighbour, who obligingly morphs into some kind of red monster and has sex with her in the yard.

Money Quote:

Regardless, it looks like I was right about him having some kind of secret, but come the fuck on, he’s a shape-shifting monster of some sort now?! (17%)

Or possibly this one:

Now that we were in reverse cowgirl, well at least a variant of the position as his cock was jammed up the wrong whole, his hands had full excess to the front side of my tight buddy. (61%)

Yes, that’s three spelling errors in a single sentence.If that doesn’t throw you out of the mood, the sudden tense shifts might; the story bounces carelessly between present and past, on one glorious occasion achieving that mid-sentence:

He didn’t encumber himself with the thought that I might possibly be uncomfortable, or that maybe he’s being too rough. (53%)

I have no idea what kind of monster he is, other than a red one with sharp teeth. I couldn’t picture him or the narrator (although I know she has large breasts), but that wasn’t nearly as big a drawback as the lack of editing.

I have every sympathy with the reality that these things are written to earn money, and the authors don’t want to cut into their earnings by hiring editors, but for the love of porn: please have a grammatically-minded friend look them over.