review: Harambe the Gorilla: Dicks Out for Harambe

I think for this first week back online since the 2016 election, I’m going to try to clear a lot of the political erotica off my kindle. You would not believe the backlog of improbable stuff I downloaded and then didn’t get a chance to review.

To keep everyone from curling up in the fetal position I’ll try to intersperse that with some soothing abdl stories or something.

harambe-gorilla

Title: Harambe the Gorilla: Dicks Out for Harambe

Author: Richard Stroker

WhatWhat: A zookeeper has sex with, and falls in love with, Harambe the Gorilla, only to witness his tragic death.

Money Quotes:

“All new employees spend their first day working with Cincinnati’s brightest star, Harambe. Today you will be cleaning his enclosure and making sure he is as happy as can be.” Hugh chuckled slightly and began to leave. (loc 68)

Oh dear.

It was time for me to feed Harambe. The sexual tension within the enclosure was palpable. (loc 92)

I laughed way too hard at that.

I ran my tongue along the edge of Harambe’s giant banana, and he released a primal roar of satisfaction. After a long period of gorilla falacio…(loc 110)

Fellatio. It comes from the Latin fellare, meaning “to suck.”

Verdict: The sex scenes were mercifully brief and non-detailed. I mean, I wouldn’t loan it to your grandmother or anything, but you don’t get a lot of description of gorilla dick or anything. More a political parody-ish thing than actual erotica, this did succeed in making me laugh.

(update) review: Rammed by the Reviews for this Book

Observant readers will noteĀ  that I’ve already reviewed this book. But because this book morphs in response to reviews, an update is required.

rammed by the reviews

Title: Rammed by the Reviews for this Book

Author: Leonard Delaney

Money Quote:

“A raptor, like in the name of the blog,” the review said in its sultry, Canadian-accented voice. It stretched itself out, growing until it was the size of a duck. It made whirring sounds when it moved, as if, under the scaled skin, razor-sharp teeth, and hooked claws, it was a mechanized machine inside. (loc 163)

This is the second time I’ve appeared in erotic fiction in raptor form (the first was courtesy of Chuck Tingle). It’s doing interesting things to my self-image.

Just to clarify: I do, in fact, have a sultry Canadian voice. Sometimes it’s Ontario-ish and sometimes it’s Newfoundland-esque, but it’s always dead erotic.

Verdict: Dialogue rings true (for me anyway, I can’t speak for the other reviewer who has also been immortalized), and this was insane amounts of fun to read. I mean, my husband may require therapy to recover, but even he agrees that was an amazing, disturbing bedtime read.

Seriously, don’t miss your chance: go leave a review at Amazon or somewhere so you can experience the thrill of inclusion in what is surely our era’s signature art form.

Also, as a fellow Canadian Mr. Delaney is probably particularly appreciative of whatever coins get tossed his way. Our dollar is steadily sinking into the depths; we’re talking sub-sub-basement levels. If you can afford to support kindle authors, please do. They’re generally a decent group of people. I personally just bought five hard copies of The Pop Culture Value Combo (reviews to follow), four of which I shall bestow on unsuspecting friends, who I encourage to respond with gifts of chocolate and/or restraining orders.

review: Rammed by the Reviews for This Book

I have a confession to make before this even gets underway: I used to be seriously into ARGs. I haven’t suddenly turned pirate; I mean Alternate Reality Games, aka “the next terrible step when you’ve grown up with D&D.” So I was all over this book, because it’s about damned time things on my Kindle started changing and reacting to input from players. Readers. Whatever.

Title: Rammed by the Reviews for This Book

Author: Leonard Delaney

rammed by the reviews

WhatWhat: Christie Aackerlund, last seen in the grasp of a sea monster, is bored in its underground palace and starts writing Kindleporn. I’ve been there, Christie. Well, not the sea monster part. But the book is interactive, so she can’t get off until you-the-reader makes the next move…

Money Quotes:

She sighed, blowing a strand of her lava-red hair out of her granite-grey eyes. (loc 80)

I’m a sucker for books that know they’re books, and for all authorial nods to the conventions of their subgenre. Delaney has my number. In the colloquial sense, not literally.

She leaned back and, with a quiet hiss, her vagina opened wide. (loc 115)

Possibly Delaney is confusing “vagina” with “doorway on the Starship Enterprise” here. I’ve met guys who’d probably be capable of that mistake.

Verdict: It’s difficult to reach any conclusion here (which, coincidentally, is exactly what’s happening to the heroine), but I eagerly await the outcome of the author’s latest experiment in erotic fiction.

review: Pounded by the Gay Color Changing Dress

Author: Chuck Tinglegay color changing dress

What What: That dress–you know, the dress; in this he’s named Channing–rescues narrator Kent from some drunken guy’s unwanted advances outside a bar, then takes him home for sex and declarations of love and a sort of acid-trippy spiritual-ish ending.

Ow:

I need someone who makes a lot of gold, but isn’t afraid to get black and blue when push comes to shove. (location 34)

Money Quote:

The dress is stunning, with a chiseled face and ripped abs across his blue and black front, and the confident manner of his float gives him a manly aggression. (location 93/30%)

Why the Hell Not, I Guess:

The floating black and blue dress is nearby now, getting ready to roll away on his motorcycle. (location 99/31%)

Verdict: Amazing. The sex scenes are unforgettable. Like, you may need therapy to erase these, particularly the bit that’s sort of like a “pearl necklace” only not, because there’s no neck.

There’s all the standard Chuck Tingle overuse of “gay” (intense gay lust; gay, lustful urges; you know the drill), and an even stranger ending than I was prepared for. Probably you should buy this, because nothing I say here is going to adequately convey the strangeness, and it’s definitely entertaining.