review: Pounded in the Butt by my Irrational Bigoted Fear of Humans who were Born as Unicorns Using a Human Restroom

This review is  going to stray a little from the text itself. I’d like to apologize for that, both to my readers (who come here to be amused or find erotica) and to the author, Dr. Chuck Tingle, whose works are smart and shrewd and entertaining, and have evolved into damned clever social commentaries.

But I am angry this morning. Because of a clusterfuck not of his making, Chuck Tingle has been nominated for a Hugo Award. Whatever the intentions of the people nominating him,  there are a lot of us who have come to appreciate Tingle’s work. We hoped this might bring him some broader appreciation as people took the opportunity to read him, and see for themselves how he uses the tropes of scifi and the workaday necessities of shortform self-published erotica to create something new and amusing.

Instead, more established authors who have already earned the respect of their peers are using it as an opportunity to kick downwards, and it’s fucking disgusting. I spend my free time knee deep in pseudo incest and ABDL kink and God alone knows what else, looking for the glimmers of craft that shine through, enjoying (and sometimes cringing at) the broad sweep of human desire, and then I get…this:

There’s a way to have both. Requires either a) CT satiring the hell out of the RPs, or b) CT withdrawing.

Uh huh, only Chuck already satirized the hell out of the RPs (they appear here as the Scoundrels, for the hard-of-reading), and for his pains got called a rabid puppy. So you just keep on moving those goalposts, that’s swell.

Although I will admit I’m a bit boggled by someone who doesn’t know who Chuck Tingle is, and therefore gets to call him “they” even though that’s not how he’s chosen to present his persona, but who nevertheless is intermittently psychic enough to know he’s not a minority and only in it for the cash. That’s a neat skill, and I wish to God I could flawlessly discern the personal details of people’s pseudonyms so I could sort out the motives of some of the stuff I read.

Lest we forget, these demands for a gracious withdrawal by Tingle are being made by another Hugo nominee, so “graciousness required of thee but not me” is the rule here. Because that’s a noble stance, and in no way plays right into the fucking puppies’ paws by making the Hugos look like backpats-for-the-in-group.

The goddamned Hugos, Jesus, why is this self-righteous shit creeping into my ragged little subgenre and spoiling my fun? Fuck the lot of you. (Except the original If You Were a Dinosaur, My Love; that was breathtaking and made me cry, and I was so glad it got awarded. Even in the midst of today’s bad mood I have to throw some love at that.)[1]

Title: Pounded in the Butt by my Irrational Bigoted Fear of Humans who were Born as Unicorns Using a Human Restroom.

Author:the Hugo Award nominated Chuck Tingle.

bigoted humans restroom

WhatWhat: Honch thinks he sees a unicorn using a human restaurant, and has a heart attack. But Kipper is a human (even if he was born a unicorn) and saves his life, just in time for Honch to go get pounded in the butt by a manifestation of his own bigoted fear.

Money Quotes:

Just because I get disgusted when I see a unicorn trotting down the street, doesn’t mean I hate them, or even that I’m afraid of them. I just don’t want them anywhere near me. (loc 4)

For those of you having difficulty reading along at home, that is Honch speaking. Honch is the bigot from the title. He doesn’t represent the author’s views, and has (like the Scoundrels) been created entirely so the author can point out the problems with his beliefs. I know: reading is hard.[2] Keep at it. I have faith in you.

It’s a quiet night here in North Carolina, the sound of country music wafting out from the nearby stereo as the waitress kicks back and looks at her nails behind the counter. (loc 14)

Okay, this is going to be complicated, so take a deep breath and try to follow along as best you can. Even though this is shown as a scene in which Honch feels at home, and therefore you might think the author is condemning the South, country music, and waitresses with (no doubt red) nails, there’s a second, more sophisticated reading possible. It’s entirely likely that the author is mocking us-the-reader for having such firm preconceptions about just what sort of settings we’d find bigots in. Get it? The text is nudging you about your own prejudices. Wow. Imagine.

Unfortunately, I’m much weaker than I realized. Instead of displaying my aggression, I end up crumpling into the unicorn’s arms. (loc 67)

Sort of like if you nominate someone for something, and instead of outrage they provoke enthusiasm and support?

“Well, that’s a start,” says Kipper, “but it’s not really the point. The point is that these people can be anything they want to be. It’s not your business how they identify. Why would you want it to be your business when you can’t even tell? I mean, honestly, think of all the humans born as unicorns that you’ve peed next to and never even know.”

This is the kind of topicality and acceptance I’ve come to expect from Tinglers.

The irrational trans-species fear rolls his eyes. “Oh my god, I’m asking if you want to bang it out.” (loc 206)

The sentient fear has manifested as a unicorn-horned restroom sign, in case you were wondering.

Why not let people identify however they’d like: human, unicorn, plane, whatever. (loc 302)

Why not, Honch. Why not indeed.

Verdict: Chuck is a kinder, wittier person than I am.

 

 

 

 

  1. Do not start with me over whether that little gem is speculative or I will hammer a nail through your goddamned eye. That is as obtuse and bad-faith a misreading as claiming (about the author of this and this mind you) “CT’s brand of gay fiction appeals to straight dudebros“.
  2. This is sarcasm. I do not believe for one second that the people misreading Chuck Tingle’s intentions are doing so because they’re poor readers. I wish I did. That would be a more pleasant thing to believe than that they know perfectly well they’re lying about someone lower down the writer-hierarchy just so they can condemn him and dissuade Hugo voters from reading him without bias.

 

review: Feeling the Bern in my Butt

Title: Feeling the Bern in my Butt

Author: Chuck Tingle

feeling the bern

WhatWhat: Lorp has never met a candidate quite like hot, handsome Democratic contender Bernie Sambers, and soon the charismatic unicorn is riding Lorp’s ass in a public display of…I don’t know, politics? Does this actually happen in American leadership campaigns?

Money Quotes: Brace yourselves, dear readers.

I’d heard a little bit about Bernie Sambers, but not enough to quell the immediate gagging sensation I feel at yet another slimy politician scrambling for my vote. (loc 22)

So far, so realistic.

Every sign that I see has a message that resonates deeply within me, deeper than any candidate has ever been able to reach. While most politicians craft messages that tug at my heartstrings, these seem to go even father. [sic] He’s tugging at my butt. (loc 45)

Naturally Lorp’s roommate asks him if he’s feeling the burn. But wait: there’s something odd about Bernie Sambers:

From somewhere behind the hanging flags comes a stark white, galloping figure, his wintery mane flowing out behind him and the horn on his head shimmering brilliantly; Bernie Sambers. (loc 63)

This is honestly not all that different from encountering our-world Bernie supporters online, right down to the wonky punctuation.

I’m greeted by a sensual explosion of taste that shifts between cotton candy, bubblegum and cherry. This man can truly do no wrong. (loc 194)

Well, okay, I’ve never encountered a BernieBro so enthused he’d actually tasted the man.

“You trust me with your vote,” the unicorn laughs, “don’t you trust me with your butt?” (loc 212)

Yikes.

I can feel the democratic socialist vibrations filling my ass with warmth and then spilling out across my body, running down my arms and legs in a series of pleasant waves. (loc 226)

As a Canadian I’m feeling a little cheated. I mean, we’re socialist-ish, and all we get is free healthcare.

…no, never mind, I’d rather have the healthcare.

Anyway, I leave you with one last glimpse into how politics work in the Tingleverse. Or for all I know, how they actually work in the United States, because I’ll admit I have no idea what’s going on down there.

“I am pleased to say that Lorp Rims is my new running mate!” the unicorn bellows as we gallop past the onlookers, the cock still slamming away at my asshole. (loc 247)

Yes, that’s right: Lorp’s displaying his suitability for office by being fucked by a galloping unicorn as it passes through a crowd of supporters. I’m assuming that’s a metaphor for something.

Verdict: The American election cycle has already gone on forever, and I’ve read more politician-based erotica than anyone should have to, but this was admittedly entertaining. (Also, I’ve spoken to Bernie supporters who would probably believe the magical unicorn part. So there’s that.) I think I can safely say that this story was unforgettable, if only because my liver would never survive the amount I’d have to drink to forget it.

unicorn erotica

Doctor Unicorn’s Secret Mistress Doctor Unicorn's Secret Mistress 2

Innocent virgin Chelsea Blandford finds herself in a very exclusive hospital, under the care of arrogant unicorn Doctor Travan Shinestab. Will she submit to his demands and endure his highly unusual treatment?
5000 words of romance-saturated unicorn erotica; for mature readers only.

Unicorn SheikRavished by the Unicorn Sheik

Jessica Winters wasn’t expecting much excitement on her brother’s archeological expedition, but that was before she met Sheik Zacharan. The handsome unicorn has plans of his own.
If you read E.M.Hull’s classic novel and thought “this needs less rape, way fewer words, and a unicorn,” this is the story you’ve been waiting for.

review: Taken Mini-Golfing

Title: Taken Mini-Golfing

Author: Countess von Fondle

taken mini golfing

WhatWhat: Amber Avery and Trevor Thor go mini-golfing, and she demonstrates her new skill at swallowing all seven flavours of the rainbow (that is to say, she’s learned how to choke down all of his enormous rainbow unicorn erection). But the perfidy of the press leads to a heartbreaking cliffhanger…

Money Quotes:

The first headlines had read Trevor Thor, Unicorn Billionaire, Dating Blonde-Haired, Green-Eyed Nobody. Now, the publications knew my name was Amber Avery and had given us the joint name Trevber. (loc 31)

Still more memorable than Anastasia Steele, then.

Who ever thought I’d meet a lesbian raptor sword swallower? (loc 68)

Yeah, that always seems so weird the first time.

My pussy clenched tight, and the ben-wa balls shot out of me like bullets. Somehow, I just knew they’d both landed neatly in the thirteenth hole. (loc 211)

Also a better SHOT than Anastasia Steele.

Verdict: OH NO, NO, NO. My favourite series has ended on a terrible cliffhanger. I was riveted as always, and charmed by little details of Amber’s background (such as her Aunt Stephanie’s children, bless them) and her relationship (“Unicorn sperm is a powerful hallucinogen,” apparently), and then green gummy bear showed up with his camera and I knew, I just knew, that things were about to turn tragic. And I was right. Now all I can do is hope that installment eight puts things to rights again, and that the whole thing emerges in paperback by early November, say, so I can get it to people for Christmas.

review: Taken to Cirque Dinosaure

Title: Taken to Cirque Dinosaure

Author: Countess von Fondle

taken to cirque dinosaure

WhatWhat: Heroine Amber is trapped in Cirque Dinosaure, scheduled to perform and die for the amusement of, well, dinosaurs. But her hero-lover, billionaire unicorn-T-rex Trevor Thor, shows up to save the day. WHich is the least he can do, really, since it was his stupid housekeeper’s stupid prophecy that released the dinosaurs back when he was deflowering Amber.

Money Quote:

Maybe I could imagine a classic song, like Xanadu, and think of Trevor’s big dinosaur cock as my lucky pole. (loc 214)

A CLASSIC SONG LIKE XANADU. I literally shrieked with joy and horror at that line.

Verdict: You already know I love these stories. I’m running out of ways to explain to people just how perfect my inner twelve-year-old finds this series of erotic short stories, and also it’s making people look at me funny. But these are PERFECT, and if they come out as a paperback bundle, literally every adult I’m on gift-giving terms with is getting that for Christmas.

review: Hunter Dentist Pounded In The Butt By Cecil The Handsome Unicorn

Title: Hunter Dentist Pounded In The Butt By Cecil The Handsome Unicorn

Author: The Immortal Chuck Tingle

hunter dentist

WhatWhat: In order to feel like a real man with a big dick, obnoxious dentist Dr. Milber pays to go kill a beautiful unicorn, but instead finds himself overcome with gay desire and letting the unicorn mount him, in the non-trophy sense of the word mount.

Money Quotes:

Don’t get me wrong, I get hard just thinking about pulling another tooth or shooting a wolf in the face, but is that really all there is to life? (loc 35)

I reach down and pull off my shirt, revealing an incredible set of abs that can only be attained after years of strenuous dentistry. (loc 295)

That sentence is a thing of beauty.

Verdict: This feels inevitable, somehow. Dr. Tingle’s ability to react instantaneously to current events by shooting out streams of erotica is amazing and, frankly, a little terrifying.

Sadly, this was a little shorter than most Tingle efforts; the second half is a reprint of Angry Man Pounded By The Fear Of His Latent Gayness Over a Dinosaur Transitioning Into a Unicorn. But that feels fitting, in a way.

review: Dr. Chuck Tingle’s Complete Guide to Romance

Title: Dr. Chuck Tingle’s Complete Guide to Romance

Author: Chuck Tingle

dr chuck tingle's complete guide to romance

WhatWhat: The master of bizarre erotic romance featuring previously-stright dudes and, like, unicorns and jet planes and stuff, has written a self-help book. It’s the ultimate guide to romance, especially if you’re thinking about wooing a bogfoot or something.

Money Quote:

Even if your first date is at a restaurant, like many are, packing your own meal is still a good idea. Allow your date to order for their own meal, but show you are a man who knows what he wants by laying out whatever you prepared that morning for yourself. (loc 158)

That would make a memorable first impression, yes.

Nearby Areas:

Double penetration is an expert move performed by three partners. When this move is performed, two of the three lovers will insert themselves into a single butt simultaneously (or into nearby areas if a woman is involved). (loc 638)

Verdict: This was amazing. I hope it’s not Mr. Tingle’s last foray into self-help. The recipes were particularly…special. Also, the section on submissive romance showed a clearer grasp of the subject that Fifty Shades, so if you’re hung up on Christian Grey you might want to check Dr. Tingle’s guide.