review: Pounded by my Handsome Ghost Boats

Title: Pounded by my Handsome Ghost Boats

Author: Chuck Tingle

ghost boats

WhatWhat: Ralph is trying to relax at the pool, but the ghosts of several boats that died in a tragic fire at his family’s marina want to get laid.

Money Quotes:

The only thing that hasn’t exactly been a joy to deal with my are my families six rambunctious ghost boats, one of the lesser known drawbacks of having a dad with a dealership. (loc 14)

Sorry, Ralph, I have no sympathy whatsoever for anyone whose dad owns a dealership.

They like to do this on occasion, showing these unsuspecting guys the time of their lives and then disappearing days later, so that when the men ask around it will be revealed that the boats in question died long ago in a terrible marina fire. Spooky. (loc 24)

Spooky and mildly insane.

“I’ve always wondered what it would be like to fuck a ghost, and I’ve always wondered what it would be like to fuck a boat,” I admit. “Now I get to learn both!” (loc 169)

Verdict: I for one am relieved to see that his Hugo nomination hasn’t spoiled Dr. Tingle for the simpler pleasures in life, like ghost boats.

review: Pounded in the Butt etc.

Actual Title: Pounded in the Butt by my book “Pounded in the Butt by my Book ‘Pounded in the Butt by my Book “Pounded in the Butt by my Book ‘Pounded in the Butt by my Own Butt'”‘”

Author: Chuck Tingle

pounded etc etc

WhatWhat: A powerful nanobot being arises and becomes author Chuck Tingle.

Money Quotes:

“Because it’s meaningless,” I counter. “I want to have meaning…maybe it’s the pornography inside of me, but I want to bring joy, pleasure, and sensation. I want to make the world feel something, even if that feeling is the sensation of getting pounded. ” (loc 83)

*sniffle*

The nanobots start to form clothes and, as they do, I picture a way to reflect my interests; to fit in. The hobby that i randomly generate is martial arts and I go with it, manifesting an outfit derived from a porn film that takes place in an erotic dojo. (loc 165)

An…erotic dojo?

“A son and a wife,” I start, “but let’s add some character. How about the wife was in a tragic accident?”

“That’s dark,” the raptor counters.

“That’s life,” I tell him. (loc 173)

The Barbara backstory never fails to worry me. So I guess it’s working.

Seriously, following the hints about his ‘family’ that Tingle drops on Twitter is what I do instead of watching soap operas.

“Do it,” I command. “Teach me what it’s like to be fucked by a simulation of my own story from the future.” (loc 245)

This is a thing that I’m sure we’ve all wondered about.

I smile, realizing that, even if I was to confess my little secret to the world, nobody would ever believe me. (loc 329)

I’m never going to sleep again.

Verdict: We are all Chuck Tingle. We joke about it, but that’s because we know it’s true.

review: Space Raptor Butt Redemption

Title: Space Raptor Butt Redemption

Author: Chuck Tingle

space raptor butt redemption

WhatWhat: Astronaut Lance Tanner, last seen in the Hugo-nominated Space Raptor Butt Invasion, stands trial. The charge is being too weird for space, and the lawyer argues that a serious, historical institution like space travel can’t be associated with Lance and his raptor lover Orion. Worse yet, Lance’s mission was funded by Scoundrels Inc., and even though he didn’t know that he’s somehow guilty by association. But a demonstration for the courts wins Lance his freedom and his raptor.

Money Quotes:

I am world-renowned astronaut, Lance Tanner of the Earth Outpost Program, sanctioned with the unequivocally important role of searching out planets that could one day be inhabitable for human life as Earth becomes more and more toxic. (loc 20)

So Lance’s Earth, much like the real one, is drowning in dangerous levels of toxic smug?

“I don’t support bad guys,” I try to say as clearly as I possibly can.

The reporter just stares at me blankly. “So you’re not going to come out against them?” (loc 66)

Lance is basically being subject to a level of bad faith argument rarely seen outside of Twitter. It’s a dark day in the Tingleverse.

It takes a long night of working with helpful friends to translate my words into something that sounds even the slightest bit like a speech fit for a courtroom. (loc 78)

I feel like I’ve had a glimpse at the author’s process.

“Okay,” I counter, “but did you ever think that something could be dumb…and good?”

There is more chatter from the jury box.

The lawyer laughs. “Ha! In space stuff? Not a chance, space is for smart people.”

“Maybe that’s why nobody likes it enough to get a rocket off the ground,” I offer. “You know Chuck Buckarooski once said ‘An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way, and artist says a hard thing in a simple way.'”(loc 152)

You will never convince me that the Bukowski-quoting Chuck Tingle doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing.

“Have you ever heard of Andy Kaufm–” I start but the lawyer interjects. (loc 159)

The performance artist? Why yes, I have. Up on this layer there was a movie made about him, called Man on the Moon. He was entirely unlike any other performer, and a lot of people disliked that about him.

“So you’re telling me that you would rather just not go into space at all?” I ask, suddenly much more upset than I expected to be and in an entirely different way. “The core of the earth is dying because of these guys, right? The fate of the planet is up to astronauts exploring new worlds and inspiring others to do the same, and your answer is just to burn it all to the ground because my version of sace is not serious enough for you?”

“It was funded by Scoundrels Inc,” the lawyer repeats like a skipping record. “You wouldn’t have been up there in the first place if it wasn’t for Scoundrels Inc.” (loc 207)

 

pronouns
I’ve never seen the “tsk” sound more clearly illustrated.

When assholes are assholes you don’t react by shutting it all down and doing half their work for them, you react by finding joy in the darkness. (loc 242)

Verdict: I’M NOT CRYING. YOU’RE CRYING.

 

review: Cuckolded by Old Spice

Title: Cuckolded by Old Spice: Bigger Than Advertised

Author: Bibi Baxter

old spice

WhatWhat: Daryl’s wife Sandra is a witch, so she’s been switching it up for him in the bedroom, using her powers to morph into a variety of women. Now she wants a turn, except she can’t use her powers on another person, so she can’t change Darryl’s appearance. But she has an idea: she can create living avatars of the characters in commercials, and Daryl can watch.

Money Quotes:

“Oh for Pete’s sake, Daryl! How many times have I been some cute little giggling Asian chick, or ‘spicy Latina’ like you wanted?” she argued. (loc 64)

This author has a real knack for making me dislike the male point-of-view character, resulting in my not feeling sorry for him when he gets cheated on.

God, she was gorgeous. Why did I ever think switching it up was a good idea? Now I had to share her with the Keebler Elves or whatever. (loc 72)

michigan-keebler-cookies
Hmmmm.

I didn’t tell Sandra about any of it. It was probably best that she didn’t know my entire department, and apparently everyone in IT, had seen her getting it on with Mr. Clean and that Old Spice guy. (loc 288)

Verdict: Possibly a meditation on the mythic function of television advertising; possibly just an excuse for some inventive erotica. This was hilarious and wonderful. I especially appreciated Snap, Crackle, and Pop.  Also I’m having a sudden urge to buy Old Spice.

review: Hilary: From First Lady to Iron Lady

Title: Hilary: From First Lady to Iron Lady

Author: Rachel Johnson

hilary.jpg

WhatWhat: Hilary [sic] is president, and has sex. It’s honestly that straightforward. Also she sucks off an intern, which makes a nice change from certain other presidents.

Money Quotes:

Once or twice a week he had to service her needs. He was a Secret Service Agent after all. (loc 43)

So THAT’s what that means.

“I am here to unwind honey. None of that pump and ceremony please,” she said, with a casual smile on her face. (loc 52)

Unsure if brilliant or typo.

“Okay if you need more hours, let me know,” she spoke to him.

“You offer a very good Secret Service,” she spoke in a flirty voice. (loc 61)

Maybe a thesaurus could help here.

Sometimes Hilary just wanted to let her head down and relax, but it was not always possible. (loc 81)

Hair, surely?

She wanted to feel his bulk and his paper lead touch. (loc 103)

His…I’m sorry, what?

She was meandering her way along the passion river, in the lust boat. She didn’t need to paddle. One of his bicep ridden arms were sufficient to navigate any stormy waters. (loc 107)

Fun with metaphors.

He was the fountain of what she needed to elevate and water her desires. She positioned her hips so that it was easier for him. (loc 116)

Okay then.

Thousands would have bitten his right arm off, just to get a chance to be where he was, for one week. (loc 148)

Those zombie hordes are seriously competitive about internships.

Verdict: It’s good to see Hillary get her turn to star in one of these, and I was deeply relieved that Donald Trump didn’t turn up in this. I was also somewhat disappointed that the ghost of a young Margaret Thatcher didn’t put in an appearance, if I’m being honest. It could really use an editor or a beta reader, though.

review: Culkolded by the Lumberjacks

You wouldn’t think, looking at that title (or the cover), that this could turn out to have anything to do with the American election. But I’ve entered some previously-undiscovered circle of hell, and everything I read this week turns out to have Donald Trump in it.

Title: Culkolded by the Lumberjacks: The Helpless Treehugger

Author: Bibi Baxter

culkholded lumberjacks

WhatWhat: Aiden is president of Trees Before People, and when his wife chains herself to a tree to prevent the Drumph Real Estate Corporation from clearcutting he sneaks back to watch over her, and sees her take on three burly lumberjacks and Drumph himself.

Money Quotes:

It was going to be a good day for Trees Before People, the conservation activist group I was the current president of. For two weeks we had managed to prevent Drumph Realty Corporation from razing a patch of untouched forest, the only natural habitat of the Spotted Tick, one of Mother Earth’s most precious creatures. (loc 18)

Oh goody, this is being told from the point of view of my ex-husband.

I could tell by the way her D-cup breasts bounced under the cotton of her tank top she wasn’t even wearing a bra. I mean, it was her right as a feminist and everything, and she certainly didn’t need one since they were so full and perky, but I could see her large nipples straining to poke through the fabric. (loc 43)

I also noticed she was wearing her good underwear, the lacy black ones she only wore on my birthday. When the blond thug ripped them down her legs, I was even more surprised to see that she was completely shaven. (loc 178)

Yes, okay, they’re easy shots, but they’re taken with such lazy grace that I’m in love.

Natasha never let me enter that hole. According to her it was misogynist and degrading. Now she was about to let some stranger do it…with a dick that was twice my size!” (loc 241)

Verdict: God damn it, I didn’t want this to turn out to be hot. I really, REALLY didn’t want it to turn out to be hot and then have Donald Trump turn up, thereby running the risk of some horrible cross-pollination taking place in my subconscious mind. (But I think I’m okay. More than 24 hours have passed and I still find him sexually uninteresting. I may have natural immunity.)

This was funny and clever and refreshingly grammatical, and a pleasure to read. And then unexpectedly hot, which I suppose would usually be a bonus but in this instance was slightly worrying.

review: Feeling the Bern in my Butt

Title: Feeling the Bern in my Butt

Author: Chuck Tingle

feeling the bern

WhatWhat: Lorp has never met a candidate quite like hot, handsome Democratic contender Bernie Sambers, and soon the charismatic unicorn is riding Lorp’s ass in a public display of…I don’t know, politics? Does this actually happen in American leadership campaigns?

Money Quotes: Brace yourselves, dear readers.

I’d heard a little bit about Bernie Sambers, but not enough to quell the immediate gagging sensation I feel at yet another slimy politician scrambling for my vote. (loc 22)

So far, so realistic.

Every sign that I see has a message that resonates deeply within me, deeper than any candidate has ever been able to reach. While most politicians craft messages that tug at my heartstrings, these seem to go even father. [sic] He’s tugging at my butt. (loc 45)

Naturally Lorp’s roommate asks him if he’s feeling the burn. But wait: there’s something odd about Bernie Sambers:

From somewhere behind the hanging flags comes a stark white, galloping figure, his wintery mane flowing out behind him and the horn on his head shimmering brilliantly; Bernie Sambers. (loc 63)

This is honestly not all that different from encountering our-world Bernie supporters online, right down to the wonky punctuation.

I’m greeted by a sensual explosion of taste that shifts between cotton candy, bubblegum and cherry. This man can truly do no wrong. (loc 194)

Well, okay, I’ve never encountered a BernieBro so enthused he’d actually tasted the man.

“You trust me with your vote,” the unicorn laughs, “don’t you trust me with your butt?” (loc 212)

Yikes.

I can feel the democratic socialist vibrations filling my ass with warmth and then spilling out across my body, running down my arms and legs in a series of pleasant waves. (loc 226)

As a Canadian I’m feeling a little cheated. I mean, we’re socialist-ish, and all we get is free healthcare.

…no, never mind, I’d rather have the healthcare.

Anyway, I leave you with one last glimpse into how politics work in the Tingleverse. Or for all I know, how they actually work in the United States, because I’ll admit I have no idea what’s going on down there.

“I am pleased to say that Lorp Rims is my new running mate!” the unicorn bellows as we gallop past the onlookers, the cock still slamming away at my asshole. (loc 247)

Yes, that’s right: Lorp’s displaying his suitability for office by being fucked by a galloping unicorn as it passes through a crowd of supporters. I’m assuming that’s a metaphor for something.

Verdict: The American election cycle has already gone on forever, and I’ve read more politician-based erotica than anyone should have to, but this was admittedly entertaining. (Also, I’ve spoken to Bernie supporters who would probably believe the magical unicorn part. So there’s that.) I think I can safely say that this story was unforgettable, if only because my liver would never survive the amount I’d have to drink to forget it.