review: Slammed up the Butt by my Hot Coffee Boss

Title: Slammed up the Butt by my Hot Coffee Boss

Author: Chuck Tingle

slammed up the butt
This would go well with doughnuts.

WhatWhat: Sales have been lagging at Parkoon Lances, so Yonce Peppers has a new boss: Morcho Kibclaw. Morcho is a real bad ass, firing people left and right, and spilling himself over some woman who arrives late for a meeting. Also he’s a cup of coffee. Because of the laws of thermodynamics Morcho is also in constant need of heat input to keep from cooling down; because this is a Chuck Tingle story, the heat input takes the form of buttsex.

Of Course You Do:

I can’t help letting my breath catch in my throat, not expecting to be so enchanted by this man, not only because he is a cup of coffee, but because I consider myself to be totally straight. (loc 31)

It’s been years since I’ve taken geography, so for all I know this is true:

“It says here you’re from Florida, lance capital of the world.”

I shrug. “I know. It’s hard to believe, but I’ve just never understood the appeal. I’m more of a pitchfork or trident man myself, but I think that’s what makes me so good at this job. I truly understand the competition.” (loc 139)

Money Quote:

“What do you know about living coffee?” Asks Morcho.

This feels like a loaded question, so I tread carefully. “Well, I know that you’re brewed locally most of the time.”

Morcho nods.

“House blend?” I ask.

“Kona.” Morcho tells me. “But that’s very flattering.”

Verdict: I don’t want to spoil the ending, but I think Chuck Tingle may have invented a new kind of vore.

This has a callback to the chocolate milk cowboys, which I appreciate. Also the whole “lances as a viable business” thing reminds me of the examples in How Not to Write a Novel (which is one of my favourite books in the world, so I mean that as a compliment).

It’s a little strange to reflect on the number and variety of living foods that have shown up here. There’s this coffee, these Canadian coffees, doughnuts, and a gingerbread man. I have poutine, poutine, poutine, a spaghetti monster, and a cheesy puff. Sometimes I wonder if my reading habits are going to have long-term effects on me.

review: Humping the Hambandit

Title: Humping the Hambandit

Author: Leonard Delaney

humping the hambandit

WhatWhat: In a world where hamburgers have been made illegal, Emmy agrees to take part in a heist, and finds herself falling for one of the gang: the oddly attractive Hambandit. But crossing the McDonnell mob is dangerous business…

If you picture him like this it's a LITTLE less horrifying.
If you picture him like this it’s a LITTLE less horrifying.

Money Quotes:

“And that’s why I need your help,” said the Hambandit.

Captain Criminal, the famed sandwich pirate, stepped forward. “You have my sword.”

Two of the soft drinks from the Merry Meal Gang bowed. “And our straws,” they said in unison.

“And our potatoes, golden on the outside, soft and fluffy on the inside,” said a cardboard box full of french fries. (loc 81)

The big guy. Rumour was that he’d been in the burger-running game from the beginning, even before hamburgers became illegal. He was known by many names. The Man in the Big Red Shoes. The Dancing Clown. Ron. He used to be all right–an upstanding citizen, more or less. He even ran a house for sick kids, for Christ’s sake. Nobody knows what happened to turn him so rotten. (loc 137)

“Oh God. Robble robble. Robble robble!” he shouted. She pulled back before he could come. (loc 261)

“Easy, girl,” said the Colonel. “Now that’s better. Good girl, Wendy.” (loc 330)

Incidentally, that last quote (the one with Wendy) isn’t from a sex scene, but it was horrifying and hilarious in context.

Verdict: I made my husband do a junk food run before I read this, which is just as well, as I may never be able to eat a burger again.

This was BRILLIANT, and everyone should go read it right now. But it was disturbing as hell; I may be in therapy forever trying to come to terms with what happened to Grimmis, damn it.

There’s not actually a lot of sex in this, but that’s kind of a good thing, as the sex scene involves an unexpected and unsettling transformation (Emmy changes when she gets excited; I’m not spoiling things by saying more than that).

Is it just me, or is Canada seriously punching about its weight in the weird short erotica category? Leonard Delaney is a twisted, strange national treasure. He’s written the weirdest heist story ever, with kind of a mob-and-bootleggers flavour to it.

Review: For the Pleasure of the Alpha Poutine

Title: For the Pleasure of the Alpha Poutine

Author: Twisty McCox

for the pleasure of the alpha poutine

WhatWhat: In volume three of McCox’s poutine saga, Gord keeps thinking about the masterful junk food that inhabits the forests of Quebec, when the Alpha Poutine and its offspring show up in his bedroom.

Money Quotes:

Returning from the tender ministrations of the Alpha Poutine and its children with a song in his heart and a lingering tenderness in his ass,…((loc 33)

Helpful fries spread his buttocks and he could feel his hole winking as it tried to regain the sensation that had vanished, to repossess the fullness he still needed desperately. (loc. 123)

Verdict: This has to be the most Canadian erotica ever written, seriously. Also I keep craving poutine. NOT THAT WAY. But it’s still worrying. I’ll be honest though, if the author released the three of these as a paperback I’d buy multiple copies and gift it to all my friends.

review: Punished by the Alpha Poutine

Title: Punished by the Alpha Poutine

Author: Twisty McCox

I am so hungry right now.
I am so hungry right now.

WhatWhat: When we last saw Gord, he was earning fastfood success by pleasuring a giant sentient poutine. Strange things happen in the wilds of Canada, okay? In this, the second volume (of three!), Gord’s fast food empire is collapsing, so he returns; the Alpha Poutine, angered by how Gord has squandered his gift, turns him over to his offspring. Lots and lots of smaller poutines make sexual use of Gord, until finally the Alpha Poutine forgives him and grants him help.

Money Quote:

Gord struggled against it, the pressure far too much too soon, but the pack held him down as the first one made its point and he was quickly filled, his ass stretched around an insistent fry, thick and twitching inside him. (loc 80)

Verdict: One of the strangest entries in the “monster erotica” lists, but well-written, and highly entertaining.

review: In the Grip of the Alpha Poutine

Title: In the Grip of the Alpha Poutine

Author: Twisty McCox

in the grip of the alpha poutine

WhatWhat: Hoping for success in the fast food industry, Gord (I am actually dying of Canadiana right at this moment. GORD. This could not get more perfect.) goes looking for the fabled Alpha Poutine in the Quebec wilderness. It makes greasy, sexual use of him, which apparently guarantees his success.

This is the most Canadian thing I have read in…ever. Nothing could actually be more Canadian unless someone finds me a story where a hockey player gets buggered by a Double Double. To be honest I’m still having trouble believing this EXISTS.

Also, the “about the author” note at the back rivals Leonard Delaney’s “about the author” notes.

ALSO, I just realized both Delaney and McCox are Canadian. Weird. Is there some kind of Canadian Kindleporn Renaissance afoot?

Money Quote:

He thrashed frantically as the fries of the beast roamed across his prone form, exploring his body with their starchy, sticky touch and tearing his clothes to shreds until he was nude for its inspection, held firm on his hands and knees by a sticky mass of gravy, fries and cheese, his ass exposed. (loc 33)

Verdict: This could not be more perfect. Well, the quote above could have an Oxford comma; that would be more perfect. But let’s not get deliriously picky here. This is the best-written poutine erotica you’re going to find.

review: Cheesy Puff Came to Life and Pimped My Gay Ass

Title: Cheesy Puff Came to Life and Pimped My Gay Ass

Author: Max Wood

cheesy puff

WhatWhat: A noir-ish tale in which the narrator is rescued from his life in the projects by a live cheesy puff, who pimps him out and takes him on the road until it all comes to a bleak end in Reno. (A bleak end for the cheesy puff, that is: the narrator lives happily on the former puff’s money.)

The Grammarians from Space HATE it when do that:

“Sit that delicious ass in here” The orange arm extended as it patted a red fur bucket seat. (loc 152)

Seriously, punctuating speech is not that hard, and yet the story gets it wrong more often than not. This is the single most annoying thing about kindleporn as a genre.

Money Quote:

My eyes widened at the wondrous and puffed flour flopper that was lightly toasted with orange powder and chiseled like the finest of porn star pocket puppets. (loc 204)

Verdict: The author enjoyed improbable metaphors just a little too much for my taste, but the noir-ish flavor (and the tragic ending of poor cheesy) made it memorable. Awesome, cheesy goodness.