review: Taken Mini-Golfing

Title: Taken Mini-Golfing

Author: Countess von Fondle

taken mini golfing

WhatWhat: Amber Avery and Trevor Thor go mini-golfing, and she demonstrates her new skill at swallowing all seven flavours of the rainbow (that is to say, she’s learned how to choke down all of his enormous rainbow unicorn erection). But the perfidy of the press leads to a heartbreaking cliffhanger…

Money Quotes:

The first headlines had read Trevor Thor, Unicorn Billionaire, Dating Blonde-Haired, Green-Eyed Nobody. Now, the publications knew my name was Amber Avery and had given us the joint name Trevber. (loc 31)

Still more memorable than Anastasia Steele, then.

Who ever thought I’d meet a lesbian raptor sword swallower? (loc 68)

Yeah, that always seems so weird the first time.

My pussy clenched tight, and the ben-wa balls shot out of me like bullets. Somehow, I just knew they’d both landed neatly in the thirteenth hole. (loc 211)

Also a better SHOT than Anastasia Steele.

Verdict: OH NO, NO, NO. My favourite series has ended on a terrible cliffhanger. I was riveted as always, and charmed by little details of Amber’s background (such as her Aunt Stephanie’s children, bless them) and her relationship (“Unicorn sperm is a powerful hallucinogen,” apparently), and then green gummy bear showed up with his camera and I knew, I just knew, that things were about to turn tragic. And I was right. Now all I can do is hope that installment eight puts things to rights again, and that the whole thing emerges in paperback by early November, say, so I can get it to people for Christmas.

review: Taken to the Hot Air Balloon Regatta

Title: Taken to the Hot Air Balloon Regatta

Author: Countess von Fondle

taken to the hot air balloon regatta

WhatWhat: Their first date was a disaster, and the tabloids say unicorn billionaire Trevor Thor is seeing a supermodel, but Amber Avery accepts his invitation to the hot air balloon regatta.

Money Quotes:

Because I still yearned for the feel of his slick, pearly-diamond horn inside my fist. And the sight of his big, hard, rainbow-striped cock pulsing just before he came all over me with the beauty of a fountain in heaven’s atrium. (loc 26)

I looked over my shoulder and saw him galloping toward me, resplendent in the sunshine, his horn shining like a sword. He wore a navy polo and khaki pants. (loc 58)

When he still didn’t move, I shamelessly enticed him by placing three colored sugar cubes on my ankle. (129)

Verdict: My actual twelve year old self would never have been allowed near this (not to mention that there were no Kindles in the dark ages in which I was raised), but my inner twelve year old cannot get enough. I want stickers of these covers. And a binder. Like those Lisa Frank trapper-keepers, but cooler, and more erotic.

review: Taken to Da Club: My Billionaire Unicorn T-Rex Shifter 4

You guys, Chuck Tingle has some serious competition. And it’s het. Bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Yes, this is book four in a series. No, I don’t know why I read this one first. I think it popped up in my Amazon recommendations. Now tracking down the rest of the series is my life’s goal.

Title: Taken to Da Club: My Billionaire Unicorn T-Rex Shifter 4

Author: Countess Von Fondle

All you other dinosaur eroticists can just go home. We have reached Peak Dinosaur.
All you other dinosaur eroticists can just go home. We have reached Peak Dinosaur.

WhatWhat: Unicorn Billionaire Trevor Thor has drawn up a girlfriend contract for Amber Avery, but she won’t sign because she wants both sides of him, including his dark, T-Rex side. This leads to a dance-off and sex and ends in time travel. Doesn’t it always.

Somewhere Lisa Frank is Weeping and Reaching for a Bottle of Vodka and She Doesn’t Even Know Why:

…the penguin-printed bathrobe I’d thrown on over my underwear. (loc 142)

I saw glimpses of tigers, panthers, polar bears and even a standard poodle. (loc 158)

This was not like the glittery, rainbow, starlight orgasms I’d experienced with Trevor in his unicorn form. (loc 271)

Money Quotes:

That voice… Like black velvet dipped in honey dipped in real butter. It compelled me to obey. (loc 54)

My heart raced at his nearness, at his intoxicating scent. Cotton candy and sunlight with hints of butterscotch and sandalwood. In his anger, I also caught a whiff of cedar. (loc 65)

Its scent perfumed the air–musky like a forest, salty like a prehistoric sea. For some reason I wanted a rare steak. (loc 297)

Verdict: From the cover to the author’s name through the story and right up to the other titles in the series, this was perfection. PERFECTION. Why are these not available in paperback? Or as a poster series?

Other Titles in the Series: Apparently the first one, which I have not yet read, is called Taken for Ice Cream. And the sequel to this part is called Taken Back in Time: French White Wig Times.