review: Dinosaur Magicians Pinn and Tucker Make Their Wieners Disappear in my Butt

Title: Dinosaur Magicians Pinn and Tucker Make Their Wieners Disappear in my Butt

Author: Chuck Tingle

dinosaur magicians

WhatWhat: Arriving in Los Vegas with his friend and fellow party bro Shibs Bark, Larb sees a billboard and finds himself overwhelmed by (and this is a quote from the blurb) “gay attraction to these handsome dinosaur entertainers.” A private showing makes all his previously-unheld fantasies come true.

Money Quotes:

“You now have a magic dinosaur dick inside of you,” Pinn informs me. (loc 214)

I bet you never thought “what happens in Vegas” covered situations like that one.

Never could I have imagined that I would one day find myself in this situation, furiously sucking off two of the greatest dinosaur magicians on earth and loving every second of it. (loc 254)

Yes. Well. Never could I have imagined myself reviewing it, yet here we all are.

Verdict: I’m not entirely sure what to make of this one. Sure, it’s a “suddenly gay!” group sex scenario with dinosaurs and a happily-ever-after, but beyond that I’m unclear. Is this part of a new story arc? A one-off? Part of the ripped-from-the-headlines hyper-reality commentary? I don’t know how to categorize it.

I’m probably overthinking this, right?

review: Taken to Cirque Dinosaure

Title: Taken to Cirque Dinosaure

Author: Countess von Fondle

taken to cirque dinosaure

WhatWhat: Heroine Amber is trapped in Cirque Dinosaure, scheduled to perform and die for the amusement of, well, dinosaurs. But her hero-lover, billionaire unicorn-T-rex Trevor Thor, shows up to save the day. WHich is the least he can do, really, since it was his stupid housekeeper’s stupid prophecy that released the dinosaurs back when he was deflowering Amber.

Money Quote:

Maybe I could imagine a classic song, like Xanadu, and think of Trevor’s big dinosaur cock as my lucky pole. (loc 214)

A CLASSIC SONG LIKE XANADU. I literally shrieked with joy and horror at that line.

Verdict: You already know I love these stories. I’m running out of ways to explain to people just how perfect my inner twelve-year-old finds this series of erotic short stories, and also it’s making people look at me funny. But these are PERFECT, and if they come out as a paperback bundle, literally every adult I’m on gift-giving terms with is getting that for Christmas.

review: Guess Who’s Coming At Dinner?

Title: Guess Who’s Coming At Dinner?

Author: Tabatha Austin

guess who's coming at dinner

WhatWhat: Michael’s the product of a cloning experimentation: he’s a Modified Human, who looks like a mini T-Rex. So when Jessica brings him along to dinner at her friends’ place, her formerly open-minded friends display some bigoted behaviour that she decides to correct by fucking Michael in front of them on the dining room table.

Money Quote:

Michael’s sharp British voice spoke out. “Ah, quite the appetizer. Your pussy is as delicious as ambrosia. Truly a feast for the gods!”

My pussy muscles clenched and quivered as he spoke. “How about a second helping dinoman?”

“Smashing idea. I believe I shall.” (loc 274)

Verdict: British accents do that to me too, although not generally at dinner parties. I loved the set-up/backstory; it’s pretty much the only dino-porn scenario that makes actual sense. A fun read.

review: Taken to Jamaica Two

Title: Taken to Jamaica Two

Author: Countess von Fondle

taken to jamaica two

Previously: Taken for Ice Cream; Taken to the Hot Air Balloon Regatta; Taken to Da Club

WhatWhat: The virginal Amber Avery finally gives it up to billionaire Unicorn Dinosaur Trevor Thor, who then asks her to be his girlfriend (under contract, like another much less charming perma-virgin). But giving it up to him (on his private island, Jamaica Two) triggers an ancient dino-related prophecy. Oh, and he has wings now, because of his love for Amber and also because of a shark attack. It makes perfect sense in context.

Oh, Amber, Honey:

And a shark was still attacking me. Oh, crap! I’d forgotten. (loc 86)

Money Quote:

Was this whole, strange affair with Trevor just an elaborate set-up to lure me to the island for gladiatorial combat? I might have punched a shark in the eyeball, but I couldn’t kill another person.

No, I was just being paranoid. I probably could kill a person if I had to. (loc 135)

Verdict: I know I keep saying it, but twelve-year-old me would have loved this series un-ironically (and probably without fully understanding that the author wasn’t dead serious). Amber is like an Anna Steele written by a master, someone who sees and treasures her every idiocy and her epically plebian tastes.* Every scent, taste, sex scene and reference to ballet was perfect. I would bet cash money that Amber owns a ballerina-music box and Lisa Frank stickers.

*As opposed to actual Anna Steele, who appears to have been written by someone who shares her every idiocy and plebian taste.

review: Evil Warlock Haunts Me Butt

It is with great sadness that I come to this review, as it may well be the last Hunter Fox entry in the canon. Of course, the author has an enormous backlist, so I expect I’ll be reviewing him for some time to come. Nevertheless, while I hope he enjoys the adventures awaiting him, I can safely say that the world of Kindle erotic shorts won’t be the same if he leaves.

Title: Evil Warlock Haunts Me Butt

Author: Hunter Fox

evil warlock haunts me butt

WhatWhat: Shamus O’Grady has been his town’s drunkard ever since the woman he loved (or thought he did) was taken to Cork at the instigation of his nemesis, Theo McClellon. Now he attempts to pull himself together, and heads to Dublin, but along the way he crosses the lands of an evil warlock…which gives the warlock the power to help himself to young Shamus’ sixteenth-century ass.

Money Quotes:

I hadn’t been to Dublin in nearly five years and couldn’t wait to see my relatives in the massive city. It was rumored to have thousands of people now as civilians! (loc 29)

“Taste the passion, my boy.” The evil warlock said, before pushing the flaming orb at me. I felt a warmth come over my body as the magical substance entered me. It was instantly absorbed into my muscles and veins and I felt a lust for the warlock come over me. (loc 100)

I was the exact opposite of what he was use to, I was small, tight and smooth. (loc 117)

So the warlock is used to large, loose, hairy men? Gross. I’m kind of curious as to how the narrator knows that about a warlock he just met.

So Very Irish:

I turned around, the warlock was heaving and looking down at his glorious cock, which spewed green Irish cum. (loc 152)

The only thing that could improve on that would be if it tasted of Bailey’s Irish Cream.

Verdict: This may well be Hunter Fox’s best work to date. The historical setting was entertaining, the magic being connected to land ownership/tresspassing was a cool detail, and I loved the green cum (uh, loved reading about it, I mean. I would not much love to be confronted with that in real life). Enjoyable enough that I was willing to overlook the American spelling of Seamus, although I would still have preferred the title to be “Evil Warlock Haunts Me Arse.”

In a roundabout way, Hunter Fox is the reason I started this blog–or rather, I started because of a review at SBTB of one of his books. It was a funny, snarky, clever review, but as I read it (and the comments) it occurred to me that I’d also like to see reviews of these that weren’t written in the spirit of “taking one for the team.”

I wanted reviews that, however much awareness they displayed of the flaws and absurdities of this ragged-arsed little subgenre, genuinely enjoyed and appreciated them. So I decided that writing my own short reviews, in that spirit of hilarity and appreciation, might get the ball rolling…

review: Defiled by a Dinosaur

Title: Defiled by a Dinosaur

Author: Maya Reid

WhatWhat: Sabrina, admin assistant by day and exotic dancer by night, is dismayed to recognize her former lover in the audience: David, the tall slim T-rex who’d collared her four years ago. He wants to set her up with his friend Antoine, but she still wants David.

defiled by a dinosaur

Money Quotes:

After that, Sabrina had sworn that she would never have anything to do with David again. So why on earth was she sitting at his table, drink in hand, flirting with his young raptor friend under his watchful amused eyes? (loc 124)

David, like most T-Rexes, was wearing high-waisted pants that his arms could reach and unbuckle. (loc 214)

Verdict: If you can get past the part where there are dinosaurs, this is a pretty standard BDSM story. It’s less insane than most of the dino erotica we’ve reviewed to date, and well written. So NOT the crazed Chuck Tingle kind of erotica; more the “come on command” type of fantasy dominance and submission.

review: Lonely Author Pounded by Dinosaur Social Media Followers

I honestly had a hard time not titling this post OMG YOU GUYS I’M IN A CHUCK TINGLE NOVEL. Because I am. I make a brief cameo as reviewer Decha Mahl, and then I turn out to be a well-endowed gay dinosaur. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Title: Lonely Author Pounded by Dinosaur Social Media Followers

Author: Chuck Tingle

lonely author

WhatWhat: Award-winning erotica author Buck Trungle struggles with depression, and turns to his followers on the social media platform Torter for comfort. One by one his fellow Torterers show up to disclose that they are, in fact, gay dinosaurs; sex and existentialism follow in short order, and Buck feels much better.

Buck Trungle’s Torter Followers:

Bunter Cox

Dennard Lelaney

Seeky Darsust

Borb Ryrnes

Decha Mahl

Benny Baffe

Persace Tad

Cannah Hatherine

From Zubfeed Magazine:

Kenna Nuillaume

Watt Mitebed

The Plight of an Author:

It’s not so much that I can’t coax out an original idea, more like I find myself hating every original idea that happens to be coaxed. (loc 4)

Money Quotes:

“All of you?” I shout, throwing my hands up into the air. “Each and every one of you is just a gay dinosaur?” (loc 104)

Personally I Hope Dennard is Thrilled:

The author considers whether or not Dennard will be bothered by his inclusion in this book, and then decides that it’s probably fine. (loc 177)

The Best Line Tingle Has Ever Written:

“So what’s the big red button?” I ask, trying to get as many answers as I can before the sex starts and it all goes to hell. (loc 185)

Verdict: I phoned my husband at work to tell him about this. Seriously. But as the hours wore on and night fell I started to experience a kind of terror. What if I AM a gay dinosaur? Or what if I’m not, but just like the dinosaurs and Buck are in Chuck Tingle’s book, Chuck Tingle and I are just in someone else’s book? I CAN’T SLEEP.

But I loved the book. Now my life’s goal is to seek out fellow Torterers and possibly review their books. Or join them for some light teleportation, whatever.