review: Poltergeist Gangbang

Title: Monsters Made Me Gay: Poltergeist Gangbang

Author: Hank Wilder

monsters made me gayM/F Version: Violated by Monsters: The Poltergeist Project by Hannah Wilde

poltergeist project

WhatWhat: So, yeah: Like Hunter/Whitney Fox of Alli-Frog fame, this is another case where near-identical versions of the same story exist in M/F and M/M versions. I only read one, because life is short. Carl’s new house is haunted, but his wife doesn’t take it seriously. While she’s out of town he calls in a psychic, who advises him that the ghosts want to fuck him, and then they’ll leave.

Money Quotes:

I glance over at my wife, who lies face down in the pillows with a blissful look plastered across her sleeping face. (loc 19)

Okay, but how exactly do you know that if she’s lying facedown?

“Oh yeah, sorry!” I shout, shaking my head in exasperation as I reach into my purse and pull out two hundred dollars, fresh from the ATM. (loc 145)

Carl, honey, why are you carrying a purse? I suddenly suspect the M/F version of this was written first.

“They have spoken,” Ms. Peel informs me. “The ghosts here have a very simple request: to fuck you.” (loc 157)

I wonder what Ed and Lorraine Warren would make of that.

…between my wife’s long hours and her serious lack of attention to the situation at hand, I haven’t really found myself attracted to him in quite some time. (loc 186)

Yup, the “Violated by Monsters” version was definitely written first.

I suddenly find myself on my knees, looking up at an assortment of floating dicks that encircle me. (loc 216)

Verdict: I’m really, truly disturbed that a) the sex scene in this follows a very set Chuck Tingle pattern, and b) I’ve read enough Chuck Tingle to notice that. Much like the infamous sex rituals of fanfic (one finger, two fingers, three fingers, cock), this follows a predictable outline: sucking off multiple dudes, getting buttfucked while sucking off multiple dudes, multiple dudes do the buttfucking, one dude lies on his back and pulls the protagonist onto his cock, some other dude joins in from the rear to double-penetrate the human guy’s ass so he can self-describe it as “totally reamed out.” I’ve seen it done with unicorns and doughnuts, and now ghosts.

There’s a second story included called Chimera Group Encounter, but I’ll review that one separately.

review: Para-Sexual Activity

Title: Para-Sexual Activity

Author: Kiki Wellington

Series: Haunted Desperation

parasexual activity

WhatWhat: Hope is on a date with hot TV producer Jason, who might be interested in giving her group, the Sutter Avenue Paranormal Society, a television show. But the date goes to hell when she’s called upon to babysit a sort of Dybbuk box.

Money Quotes:

“I want a show!” Dale said enthusiastically. “Do you have any idea how much free pussy guys from reality shows actually get? All you have to do is be on TV, and women are throwing poon at you for miles.” (loc 87)

I have no idea if that’s true, but I kind of want to ask Ryan Buell or John Edward or someone. Although to be honest it sounds more like a job hazard than a perk.

“People get a lot of chances to speak at paracons when they have their own show.” (loc 127)

“I understand. Is there anything else I should know?”

“You need to call your mother.”

“My spirit guides told you that?”

“No. I ran into her at the supermarket this morning and she told me you haven’t been in touch for a while.” (loc 182)

Okay, this quote requires context: in both the previous books Hope trotted out the same horrible joke about SAPS standing for “sexy-ass paranormal slut.” Apparently even the other characters share my hatred of that one line:

“I still wish you’d cut it out with that stupid joke.” (loc 119)

Verdict: I swear I started downloading these because I loved the titles, and while the previous two books weren’t bad at all, this is the one that got me really, really hooked. It’s witty and sexy, and the revelation of what’s in the Dybbuk Box is perfect. Also, Hope got her start legend tripping; I’m starting to relate to this character, even if she does keep telling that one joke I hate.

Again: you have to have at least a teensy bit of an interest in paranormal investigations to fully enjoy the atmosphere of this, I think. Or at least, you have to not HATE them or fly into a blind rage every time you’re reminded they exist or anything.*

*True story: I know someone who practically froths at the mouth if you say the name “John Edward.” I think a medium ran over his dog and then refused to contact it or something. Okay, I made that last part up. But this guy HATES psychics. He would not enjoy this series, is all I’m saying.

review: Tentacle Squad

Title: Tentacle Squad

Author: Eden Redd

tentacle squad

WhatWhat: Sybil, a member of the tentacle squad, saves a scientist from the Tentacle Spawn (partly by fucking one of said spawn).

Wouldn’t He Be More Likely to Kick Her Out When He Was a Bear, Though?

“I know your only spending the night but this bag is pretty heavy. Are you moving in and won’t tell me till the morning?”

Sybil gave him a sly smile. “Would you kick me out if that was true?”

Caleb looked up in faux thought. “Not until I had my cup of coffee. I am a complete bear until I have a taste of caffeine ambrosia.” (loc 43)

Actually, given the huge amount of bear shifter porn out there, maybe he WOULD be less likely to kick her out when he was a complete bear.

Money Quote:

The siren’s nipples pointed and warmth flooded between her legs. John was silent as black tentacles oozed up from his skin. They rose up from his shoulders and from the skin over his ribcage. The same happened with the two men behind him. Their eyes drank in Sybil’s heaving breasts. Sybil found it difficult to control her hand as she touched her own stomach and glided downward. (loc 247)

Verdict: Sort of an action-adventure story in prose form, only with explicit sex. And tentacle monsters. Okay, so not like any actual action movie I’ve ever seen (although I would watch the hell out of a movie that met that description), but with that whole well-armed-rescue-team vibe.

The Space Grammarians were mildly irked (especially when “the lover’s cried out in bliss” at loc 107), but not enough to actually visit Earth or anything.

review: The Bare Witch Project

Title: The Bare Witch Project

Series: The Haunted Desperation Series

Author: Kiki Wellington

bare witch project

WhatWhat: The Sutter Avenue Paranormal Society get lost returning from the haunted B&Bof book one, and encounter Mary, a witch with a problem: her sister has cursed her so that no man can get near her (the sister astral-projects herself over and screws them first, apparently).

Money Quotes:

The whole enterprise was weird—why was I in a witch’s closet having sex with Dale? I had no idea. But as Dale shot a wad of come into my pussy, it didn’t matter to me either way. I was enjoying it…the logistics didn’t matter. (loc 362)

Verdict: The cringe-inducing “paranormal slut” conversation from the first book is repeated here, which almost made me quit reading, but I’m glad I didn’t. The characters are growing on me, and the dialogue is slightly snappier than in the first book.

But if I were an actual witch, there’s no way I’d be using dime store hand lotion. Hell, even without magic powers, I draw the line at cheap lotion.

review: The Sexorcist

Title: The Sexorcist

Series: The Haunted Desperation Series

Author: Kiki Wellington

sexorcist

WhatWhat: The Sutter Avenue Paranormal Society investigate a haunted B&B, and Hope has an encounter with the ghost that’s been driving female guests wild…then bumps into a television producer in the parking lot.

Money Quote:

He picked up the pace and pounded my ass harder, faster, while stroking my eager bud. Then he started screaming, so there was no denying I was getting fucked. It probably shook the whole house, but he didn’t seem to mind…and as another orgasm moved through me, I didn’t either. (loc 320)

Way to be Professional, Hope:

“SAPS?”

“Yeah, it stands for Sutter Avenue Paranormal Society.”

“I see.”

“It can also stand for something else.”

“What?”

“Sexy ass paranormal slut,” I said and then pursed my lips a little bit, hoping he would imagine what a sexy ass paranormal slut could do with her lips. (loc 400)

Verdict: I feel weird confessing this (although you already know I spend large chunks of time reading bizarre erotica, so why I’d feel weird confessing ANYTHING at this point is a mystery), but I adore those stupid paranormal shows where ghosthunters wander around in the dark going “Did you hear that?” about noises that the audience can’t hear. So I was predisposed to like this series. The clever installment titles helped as well.

But if you don’t enjoy ghosthunting, your attention might wander a bit, because there’s definitely more page time spent on the group dynamics and the set-up than there is on the sex. The writing is competent but not sparkling. I’m sticking with the series for now, to see if it hits its stride during the next few stories.

review: Lesbian Ghost Hunters: Wake-Up Call

Title: Lesbian Ghost Hunters #1: Wake-Up Call

Author: Merlyn Sloane

lesbian ghost hunters 1

WhatWhat: The narrator, who lives and works at a hotel,  is being haunted by a ghost whose attentions cause her to masturbate. This is getting to be a problem at work, but a ghosthunter named R.J. shows up and tells the maid how to get rid of her ghost: she needs to get the ghost off.

Plane, I think:

“So they’re there until either the light goes off, or they’re released to another plain.” (loc 232)

Money Quotes:

The day before, I had barely made it into an empty room before I doubled up, gasping, my fingers desperately fumbling with the waistband of my work pants. (loc 64)

The dark-haired woman watched me with evident glee. She held up some kind of electronic instrument.

“Just, you know, looking for the ghost,” she said, brandishing the device in my vague direction. “looks like you found her first though, so I’ll let you finish up. Professional courtesy.” (loc 109)

Verdict: Generally entertaining. I had one or two minor quibbles: what the hell is the narrator’s name? How did R.J. know there was a ghost at the hotel? But overall it was lovely, and I look forward to the rest of the series.

review: Gay Ghost Hunters

Title: Gay Ghost Hunters

Author: Catherine DeVore

gay ghost hunters

WhatWhat: Roderick and Jose have a television show, Gay Ghost Hunters, but neither of them actually believe in ghosts until they investigate Hell Manor, where wealthy Eric Gladstone murdered his lover, an unnamed servant. Both men still haunt the house; Gladstone is evil, but the servant is merely horny.

Money Quote:

“It looks like a trail,” he said, tracking it with the camcorder. “Of ectoplasm, I believe.” He was obviously trying not to laugh as he examined what was more than likely a trail of my cum on the floor. I punched his arm lightly. (loc 138)

Verdict: Light, charming, and well-written. I was hoping it was the beginning of a series, but I couldn’t find more. I did find other things by this author, however, and will definitely download them.