review: Cheesy Puff Came to Life and Pimped My Gay Ass

Title: Cheesy Puff Came to Life and Pimped My Gay Ass

Author: Max Wood

cheesy puff

WhatWhat: A noir-ish tale in which the narrator is rescued from his life in the projects by a live cheesy puff, who pimps him out and takes him on the road until it all comes to a bleak end in Reno. (A bleak end for the cheesy puff, that is: the narrator lives happily on the former puff’s money.)

The Grammarians from Space HATE it when do that:

“Sit that delicious ass in here” The orange arm extended as it patted a red fur bucket seat. (loc 152)

Seriously, punctuating speech is not that hard, and yet the story gets it wrong more often than not. This is the single most annoying thing about kindleporn as a genre.

Money Quote:

My eyes widened at the wondrous and puffed flour flopper that was lightly toasted with orange powder and chiseled like the finest of porn star pocket puppets. (loc 204)

Verdict: The author enjoyed improbable metaphors just a little too much for my taste, but the noir-ish flavor (and the tragic ending of poor cheesy) made it memorable. Awesome, cheesy goodness.

review: Bigfoot Sommelier Butt Tasting

Title: Bigfoot Sommelier Butt Tasting

Author: Chuck Tingle

bigfoot butt sommelier

WhatWhat: “Poon hound” Nick accompanies two other straight guys to a wine tasting, where he is immediately smitten with a handsome Bigfoot sommelier from whom he receives analingus and anal sex.

An Incredible What?

For a moment our eyes meet and I find myself overwhelmed by an incredible warm that immediately consumes my soul. (loc 79)

Money Quote:

“There is a definite high note of rose, with some smooth, buttery lows and a fine nutty finish. This is a delicious asshole.” (loc 192)

What the hell has Nick been eating?

Verdict: Nick and Torbo Gulgot live happily ever after, though it was unnerving that in the last scene he was about to hook his two (blissfully unaware) straight friends up with some other male Bigfoots.

review: Turned Gay by the Living Alpha Diner

Why yes, I am beginning to regret some of my life choices. Thank you for asking.

living alpha diner

Title: Turned Gay by the Living Alpha Diner

Author: Chuck Tingle

WhatWhat: Lars, a lean, clean-shaven twenty-year-old trucker planning to eventually go to college, meets a gay diner named Turk Dorby, and they have sex that will haunt my nightmares for weeks.

Quotes help make sense of things, right?

On the night I met Buck, I was starved for interaction. (loc 14)

So starved he’s delirious, I guess, because no one named Buck appears in this story.

For some reason I find myself looking away, slightly taken aback by the restaurants confident demeanor.

That’s the thing you’re taken aback by? Not the fact that the diner has a face, and just made eye contact with you?

Personally I’m taken aback by the missing apostrophe, but I soldier on bravely.

Again, I find myself reeling from a mysterious attraction deep down in the pit of my stomach, a sensation that I am vaguely familiar with… (loc 41)

I’m familiar with it too! But in my case that’s because I read way too many stories called “something or other turned me gay.”

I can feel my cock hardening just below the table, aching for release within my pants at the thought of these well crafted burgers and fries. (loc 62)

Man, I hope the waitress tasers him.

But of course she doesn’t, because he’s caught the eye of the diner itself, and after a few moments of awkward conversation he goes up on the roof to have sex with it, then down to the basement to have sex with another part of it, and then out back to have sex with yet another part of it. I don’t want to quote too heavily from the sex scenes, because they are hilarious and you should really read the story to appreciate them properly.

But let’s just agree that a cum-saturated man dashing through the dining room on his way out back to look for the diner’s ass is the kind of scene that more than earns Chuck his 70% of the $2.99.

Money quote:

“Do it!” Turk commands. “Blast that cum into my hot gay restaurant ass!” (loc 258)