review: Tamed by his Tentacles

Title: Tamed by his Tentacles

Author: Cassidy Beach

tamed by his tentacles

WhatWhat: Marie’s marriage to Rusty has turned out to be a disappointment, to put it mildly, so she goes away for the weekend with her sexy fried Trisha and then meets a handsome, horny octopus.

Money Quotes:

He swept me right off my feet. I couldn’t help myself. I met up with him after his shift was over, he got me drunk and then we made love in his truck. (loc 11)

(Don’t worry, that’s the abusive husband, not the muscular stud of an octopus. The octopus doesn’t drive a truck.)

On Friday afternoon after her work, Trisha came and picked me up in her pink Cabriolet convertible. (loc 84)

barbie cabriolet

I had been captured by a giant octopus! A giant octopus must have seen me standing naked in my window and wanted me. (loc 166)

It’s nice that her self-esteem’s still intact. Not everyone would so confidently leap to the assumption that the octopus wanted them. Mind you, it is touching her nipples at this point, so it’s not an entirely unwarranted assumption.

I felt so bashful being in the nude and surrounded by other octopuses…(loc 179)

Verdict: I’m developing a pronounced fondness for Cassidy Beach. I downloaded her stuff in the first place because it was summer (as it still is, at least for a little while), and…I really like seasonally-themed reading, okay? Even when it comes to erotica. All her covers feature improbably-angled Mermen or Tentacles or whatever: perfect beach reading.

Now that I’ve read a few, I’ve come to appreciate her way with backstory. The situations and characters are more elaborate than you’d expect from short-form erotica, and they’re hilarious and perfect. I’m definitely going to work my way through the rest of these.

review: Mounted by a Merman

Title: Mounted by a Merman

Author: Cassidy Beach

mounted by a merman

WhatWhat: Cheated on by her boyfriend in the most humiliating manner possible, former sorority girl Stephanie joins the rest of the Delta Delta Deltas on their annual beach vacation and discovers their secret: hot, horny mer-people.

Money Quotes:

Susie was blonde like me. Like I said she wasn’t as hot as me, but she was still hot. (loc 17)

[Patrice] was decently good looking, but nowhere as good looking as I was, even though we were both blonde. I could tell she must have been the token “hot girl” in that clique of nerds…. Every time she opened her mouth, though, it was a dead giveaway what a clueless nerd she was. She sounded like she had Asperger’s. She snorted, and she was always pushing her glasses up her prettyish nose.(loc 65)

There Jake was, dressed up in costume as a grizzly bear. Underneath him was lying the one and only Patrice, dressed up in a pink bunny rabbit suit….(loc 97)

Verdict: Okay, Stephanie is kind of an asshole, but once Jake cheats on her I ended up taking her side anyway, and was relieved when she met the blue-dicked, muscular merman. Compulsively readable and enjoyable, even though the viewpoint character is obsessed with comparing herself to other women.

Summertime Reading List

It’s summer. Time for all those seasonal things: summer camp, summer cabins, sea monsters, hot air balloons, gardening, deep sea diving, amusement parks, ice cream, archeological digs…

I’m just straight-up quoting the Amazon summaries, with links to my reviews if you want further information (except for publications associated with Short Attention Span Press, which don’t get reviewed here as a matter of policy).

taken to the hot air balloon regatta1. Taken to the Hot Air Balloon Regatta

Amazon summary: Amber Avery knows that mysterious unicorn billionaire, Trevor Thor, is dangerous. After all, he shifted into a T-Rex and almost killed her on their first date. But that doesn’t stop her from accepting his invitation to an exciting hot air balloon regatta, then being whisked away to a private love balloon after the race. Will Trevor give her the answers she seeks? Will he give her the greatest pleasure she’s ever known? Or will he shift again and give her a gristly death over the wild, shark-infested waters off Rhode Island?

2. Gay Centaur Punished My Butt gay centaur

Amazon summary: Corey is bored out of his mind on a work retreat, a team building camp in the Mountains of Colorado. Trying to get away for a bit to sneak a few swigs of whiskey, Corey runs into a sexy centaur who’s goal is to rock his world. He throws caution to the wind, escaping from the team building camp and riding with the centaur into the forrest. It’s not until the centaur’s charm fades and Corey learns what his real motives are all along… he’s not the sweet talker he thought he was!

3. Taken for Ice Cream taken for ice cream

Amazon summary:  When innocent Amber Avery moved to New York City from a trailer park in Texas, she never imagined she’d meet Trevor Thor, the world’s most mysterious and handsome unicorn billionaire. She certainly never dreamed that he’d ask her out for ice cream. How can she resist? What begins as a sensual flirtation ends with an explosive, erotic encounter at the Love Love Ice Cream Parlor. But Trevor Thor has a monstrous secret, and if he loses control, that secret could cost Amber her life!

camp tentacles4. The Camp Tentacles

Amazon summary: Young, innocent Jasmine wants to get away from her oppressive home town after a scandal. At the camp, she thinks her sexual adventures are over.
But when she meets the mysterious Mark and the hidden tentacle alien, she realizes that her journey of pleasure is only just beginning…

5. Pushed by the Sea Pen pushed by the sea pen

Amazon summary: Marine Biologist Doug has been working on this project for too damn long, but the last thing he expected to break up his regular scientific routine was a sea pen! Especially not one attached to a guy this hot!
The sea man wants to teach him a lesson about his rudeness and boy howdy is Doug ever ready to learn.

seduced by the vacuum cleaner 6. Seduced by the Vacuum

Amazon summary: Clara has returned to her grandparents’ old summer cabin after 10 years away. She used to spend happy but lonely summers there, her only friends the household appliances. She is happy to greet her old friends, especially the vacuum, who surprises her by being less machine and more…alive…than she could ever imagine.

7. The Curse of Bigfoot Butt Camp curse of bigfoot butt camp

Amazon summary: When Ken’s friend from the office talks him into a week at Bigfoot Butt Camp, he has no idea that his life is about to change forever.
The first hint comes when it’s announced that all campers must remain in their tents on the first night. Of course, Ken ends up out in the woods alone and discovers the deep dark secret of these handsome bigfeet; they become mummies under the light of the full moon.
Soon Ken find’s himself all wrapped up in a homosexual, undead encounter that will have your heart racing!

haunted billionaire roller coaster8. A Haunted Billionaire Roller Coaster Stole My Virginity

Amazon summary: Naive college girl Amber had been expecting to get lucky with her boyfriend when they snuck into Adventure City. What she never expected was to find herself taken and violated by the theme park’s main attraction, a wooden colossus of a roller coaster known as Titan. Haunted and horny, this suave coaster is going to make sure Amber has the ride of her life.

9. Garden Gnome Sex Party garden gnome sex party

Amazon summary: When Jenny adds a little whimsical flavor to her garden with a trio of gnome statues, she never suspects what’s in store. When the sun goes down, Jenny discovers her new lawn ornaments are ready to get busy, and they know how to use those pointy red hats to please a woman!

vindicated by the dinosaur ghost10. Vindicated by the Dinosaur Ghost

Amazon summary: Paleontologist Rob knows, just knows, that this dig in the badlands of Alberta is going to be the one to validate his crazy theory: dinosaurs were sentient! With the help of his affinity for the paranormal and what seems like an awfully friendly ghost, he’s going to find out just how sexy sentience is…and how hard he can be pushed.

11. Ravaged by the Magic Pebble ravaged by the magic pebble

Amazon summary: Jersey girl Camilla just needed some air. She didn’t know what possessed her to pick up the smooth, white stone on the beach, but when she did, she awakened the soul of a Renaissance sculptor tortured by centuries of unfulfilled lust. When the pebble finds a host body, Camilla will be at the mercy of a living statue with a rock-hard marble column!

long tongue liz12. Long Tongue Liz

Amazon summary: Gay or straight – no woman can resist the unusual Liz Coil when she wants to feed. When Sandy becomes the first girl to successfully escape her hungry approach it causes Liz to fall in love with her. Sandy’s runs away, frightened by her first lusty experience with another girl – but she soon regrets it. They both realize they have a lot to learn about each other if they are going to form an unusual bond.

13. Brobeck Pool Party brobeck pool party

Amazon summary: The Brobeck pool party soon leads to skinny-dipping! It’s harmless at first but there’s no denying the growing forbidden attraction between Suzette and Drake.
Will they act on it even though it’s TOTALLY TABOO?

buttcops14. Unicorn Butt Cops Beach Patrol

Amazon summary: Jeff just can’t seem to catch a break. Once a working professional at the top of his game, a string of bad luck has sent Jeff to the gutter, literally, where he struggles to survive as a homeless man on Venice Beach.
Things go from bad to worse when Jeff is caught stealing a carnitas taco, and is promptly chased down by the Unicorn Butt Cops, a new branch of government that specializes in hot, gay, anal poundings on inline skates.

15. First Time With a Fishman first time with a fishman

Amazon summary: Virginal Wavey Seabright has always been sheltered by her family’s strict religious sect, but this summer at Young Women’s Camp she’s about to discover the monstrous truth: she’s been saved for a Fishman, and he’s going to take what’s his! A 6000 word erotic short story intended for adult readers only. Warning: contains tentacles and Lovecraftian sects.

review: Ravaged by the Magic Pebble

Title: Ravaged by the Magic Pebble

Author: Fannie Tucker

ravaged by the magic pebbleAs I’ve said before, Fannie Tucker is my go-to “well written erotica” author. The grammar and writing are flawless in everything of hers I’ve read; I’d even go as far as saying these stories are literary, and for once I mean that in a good way.

WhatWhat: Camilla picks up a pebble on the Jersey Shore, and it turns out to be a remnant of a Renaissance statue, inhabited by the soul of its sculptor. It borrows some guy’s body to have sex with her.

Guy Who Gets Possessed and Then Discarded:

Vinnie blinked at her stupidly for a moment before his synapses slowly came together in what might generously be called an idea. “Oh, ya mean the ocean? Yeah, it’s real romantic, ain’t it? Makin’ me kinda horny, ya know?” (loc 77)

I felt really sorry for poor Vinnie. Okay, he gets a bit grabby, but so does the freaking statue. Maybe I’m biased: I’ve known actual Vinnies. They’re all right. They’re not Renaissance sculptors, sure, but they have their moments. They don’t deserve drowning, jeez.

Money quote:

Her body felt incomplete, an arch without its keystone, and she craved his cock inside her again. (loc 242)

In all seriousness, isn’t that kind of lovely?

Verdict: If you can get past Vinnie’s horrible fate, this is an amazing story.