review: Tamed by his Tentacles

Title: Tamed by his Tentacles

Author: Cassidy Beach

tamed by his tentacles

WhatWhat: Marie’s marriage to Rusty has turned out to be a disappointment, to put it mildly, so she goes away for the weekend with her sexy fried Trisha and then meets a handsome, horny octopus.

Money Quotes:

He swept me right off my feet. I couldn’t help myself. I met up with him after his shift was over, he got me drunk and then we made love in his truck. (loc 11)

(Don’t worry, that’s the abusive husband, not the muscular stud of an octopus. The octopus doesn’t drive a truck.)

On Friday afternoon after her work, Trisha came and picked me up in her pink Cabriolet convertible. (loc 84)

barbie cabriolet

I had been captured by a giant octopus! A giant octopus must have seen me standing naked in my window and wanted me. (loc 166)

It’s nice that her self-esteem’s still intact. Not everyone would so confidently leap to the assumption that the octopus wanted them. Mind you, it is touching her nipples at this point, so it’s not an entirely unwarranted assumption.

I felt so bashful being in the nude and surrounded by other octopuses…(loc 179)

Verdict: I’m developing a pronounced fondness for Cassidy Beach. I downloaded her stuff in the first place because it was summer (as it still is, at least for a little while), and…I really like seasonally-themed reading, okay? Even when it comes to erotica. All her covers feature improbably-angled Mermen or Tentacles or whatever: perfect beach reading.

Now that I’ve read a few, I’ve come to appreciate her way with backstory. The situations and characters are more elaborate than you’d expect from short-form erotica, and they’re hilarious and perfect. I’m definitely going to work my way through the rest of these.

review: Lust at Sea

Title: Lust at Sea

Author: Stefanie Quinn

lust at sea

WhatWhat: Samantha, a virgin destined to be a sexual sacrifice to a mysterious creature of the deep, is set on the beach of an uncharted island and ravished by tentacles. The tentacle monster is a good provider, though; the morning after he fucks her, she finds a barrel of fresh water on the beach, a sign that he’s accepted her and will continue to bring her food and water.

Just Where the Fuck is She Sailing From?

Soon, the only thing around us was water. The days turned into weeks; the weeks gave way to years. (loc 37)

I know sailing towards the equator in “an ancient wooden sailing ship” (loc 1) wouldn’t be FAST, but years? Really?

I Know It’s Painful for Some People, but Wow:

I gasped when he took my virginity, tearing my delicate hymen and making me into a woman. Fulfilling my purpose. The pain was incredible- worse than anything that I had felt before. (loc 103)

I hope this poor character never experiences childbirth. Although since she seems to be spending her life with a set of tentacles, I guess she’s safe.

Money Quote:

…at least I was in capable hands, even if they were tentacles. (loc 93)

She has a point, there. I’ve heard far worse first date stories than this one.

Verdict: Short, somewhat Lovecraftian story of tentacle sex, featuring an unexpectedly sweet ginormous sea monster. As sweet as it can be, I mean. It doesn’t bring flowers but it does bring water, which, let’s face it, is more of a priority anyway.

review: Tall, Dark & Slender: Caught in my Billionaire Brother’s Tentacles

Title: Tall, Dark & Slender: Caught in my Billionaire Brother’s Tentacles

Author: Stikki Minaj

tall dark and slender

WhatWhat: Rosaleen Surreal has reached an uneasy peace with her billionaire stepbrother, Phillip Kräken, while she reluctantly shares his penthouse and completes her graduate degree in cryptozoology. But when she follows him to Central Park West one night, sees his magnificent tentacles, and tries to defend his privacy from a pair of tabloid reporters, things take a turn for the intimate, and soon she’s mated to him…

Money Quotes:

“Ah, but this man in a suit is different,” Breton said with a surprising amount of patience. “For starters, he doesn’t have a face. It’s probably also worth mentioning that he is reported to have tentacles growing out of his back.” (loc 125)

Was it a coincidence? It had to be. Phillip Kräken was a billionaire playboy with more money than sense. Billionaire playboys don’t have tentacles. (loc 149)

For every part of me that was revealed, another dark, otherworldly appendage materialized to cup and caress my naked skin. (loc 344)

Verdict: If you’re bone-weary of billionaires, this one might change your mind. This story is well-written, and I’ve always liked Slenderman (NOT THAT WAY…well, maybe a little bit that way). Even the chapter titles are clever.